Grief is ugly and dirty

Grief. What is grief? I dont know the words to explain grief. But I do know how it feels.

It's been almost 8 months since Tony died. Not a day goes by without feeling his absence. Not a minute goes by, it seems. I see him every where. The memories overwhelm me sometimes. A lot of the times.

I feel this awful emptiness; sadness; loneliness. The days seem to get dimmer and dimmer. And no, that's not the time change. I feel I have no faith anymore. I feel like heaven doesn't exist. That when we die, that's it. There's nothing. That this feeling or belief of something coming after is just to bring us comfort. So it's not so hard to deal with - versus knowing that when we die, we cease to exist. I feel like when people have near death experiences, they are their brains reacting to lack of oxygen, and the "dreams" or whatever you want to call it, are reflections of their personal beliefs. That's why "heaven" looks different to different people.

So I don't think I believe Tony is in some wonderful after life. I don't believe he exists at all anymore.

And that's hard to swallow.

No one wants to witness grief. So we hold everyone at arms length, so we don't get dirty. Grief is messy. And anyone who gets close, gets splashed with it. No one likes that. And so people choose to avoid. They use words like "you handle this so well" and "I dint think I could handle this as gracefully as you". That avoids the question of "how are you today? How are you really?" No one asks that. Everyone offers to be there if you need them. But when you do, they are no where to be found. And thus, grief is loneliness.

Everyone grieves differently. I've never been one to hold feelings inside. I did it in high school. My depression was all consuming. I dressed in black. I rarely smiled one year. Or I put on a fake face. I mean, that's what everyone wants to see. I cut myself. The sadness had to get out somehow. Now, I'm faced with holding it in again. No one talks about it. My husband shuts up if I being it up. But if I wait for him, he never brings it up. He just goes about life life he always did. Ignore the bad. Ignore it and it doesn't exist. Tony's death is bad. So just ignore it. I'm the one that decorates his grave site. I'm the one pushing to find a head stone, tho he refuses to even sit and discuss it. I'm the one that wanted the memorial birthday. I'm the one that brought up having a scholarship in his name, and worries if we will find enough $ to fulfill the obligation. Grace also doesn't talk about it. Ignores it. She has said if we stay home on Christmas and do nothing, she will go hang with get friends. She doesn't want to be in a sad house.

So I hold it in. Every once in a while, it gets out. I talk or I cry. But inside, day by day, minute by minute even, I'm withering and shriveling up. I fear it won't be long until there's nothing left to feel inside. But maybe that's better, because feeling this awful consuming grief is overwhelming most of the time.

Jason woke up this morning and said "I'm glad Bubba died". Does he understand what he said? No. Probably not. Heck, we question if he even remembers Tony. I dont think he does. But, regardless if he understood his words or not, it doesn't hurt any less. It thrust a knife deep inside me when I heard the words.

No one understands this pain. Everyone grieves differently but no one - no one - wants to get dirty from it. No one wants to get close enough.