A little boy in our town has died. He drowned in his grandparents pool. An example of how tragic life can be at times, despite how much love we have to offer. My heart aches for these parents. For this mom. Her heart now missing a piece - as it traveled to heaved with him.
I don't know why I'm so drawn to situations like this. I see car wreck posts and it sucks me in, Especially if there's a fatality. I guess partly because I don't want someone else finding out like me. But - I think I'm still looking for a connection, to feel less alone.
I see other families lose their children. I remember a boy last year that was accidentally shot by a friend. 15 years old. Another that was fishing and got accidentally electrocuted by an unknown downed power line. He was 19. This little boy. 2 years old.
I've talked with other moms online. From my community. I don't know why I let myself get sucked in. Like I see out these online posts, these stories. I don't intentionally do that. But I think - I just .... want to offer comfort. For them to know they aren't alone. That others have walked this awful path.
But mostly.....I think I want to feel less alone. To feel recognized. For someone to see me. Not my outward appearance or physical self. But to SEE me. To say "I see you. I recognize you as a mother with a broken heart. A piece of your heart is missing. I see that. I recognize you in me. You are not alone."
But in reality, what do I have to offer another? My grief is unique. My pain is my own. Her pain will be her own. We have all walked this path - this unknown, awful road - of losing a child. Yet.....every step we take is uncharted. None have gone before. This is not a well beaten path. It has had thousands, if not millions, of mothers and fathers walk it before. Yet, it is also unwalked. Untouched by others. Rugged. I do not place my foot in the spot another's has stepped. But I step in a new, overgrown, thorny, gnarled up spot. I am not alone. Yet, I am utterly alone at the same time. I must forge my own way.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Therapy update
We started Bo's Place in December with Grace. She had started showing some red flags with dealing with things so Steve and I decided we needed to go. She joined the teen group for their LIGHT (9 week class) and we each joined our respective moms/dads groups. It went pretty well. Had some interesting projects. Some stories put things in perspective too that it could always be worse. Steve was able to feel like he wasn't alone in a lot of his thoughts and feelings. Grace struggled w/ the teen group - she hated doing the "baby" activities (the same activities the little kids were doing) and it wasn't a big group. It was pretty small. And she was the oldest I think.
So after the 9 week program ended in March, I was surprised that she asked to go on to the "ongoing" program. So we signed up and attend on 2/4 Wednesdays each month. We started on the last week in April. I was surprised again - when after the 1st week, Grace asked for the following 3 weeks to not go. I guess it was the 4th week though that the teen group really embraced her and she made friends. They snapchat together and I guess follow each other on various social media. Now she is excited.
I had one week where I didn't want to go - because Jason was in swim lessons and I didn't want to burden mom with having to go and take him back home. Plus moving the car seat - such a pain. When I brought up not going - Grace said "well, dad and I can still go". That was a big clue to me that she had found friends. I was a little worried again when 2 of the friends graduated and were moving away for college and military. But the next time therapy came around, no complaints and she went right back to the teens and goofing off and being silly.
I've struggled a couple times with ongoing. Its always hard to find your fit into a new group. I'm such an introvert anyway. But a lot of the moms have a different situation than me. That's that they all lost their children in the hospital. Whether thru cancer or accidents or something else - they all were in the hospital. Whereas we lost Tony immediately. I never got to say goodbye or hold his warm hand or anything. I'm not saying their situation was easier by any stretch of my imagination. It is just different. One night, at therapy, we had a substitute facilitator (who oversees the group and sort of keeps things moving). She was talking with one mom who was talking about the lingering in the hospital - and the facilitator said she thinks that's harder than instant death. That immediately isolated me and made my grief feel invalidated. I realize she's human, and a volunteer to boot. And had she realized that her words made me feel that way, she would have regretted them. But it made me not want to go back.
But I did go back. This summer now, we are paired with the other 2/4 moms group as well as 1/3 wednesday group (tho, this week, there wasn't anyone from that group). The other 2/4 moms group - there were 3 of them. All lost their children in 2013 or 2014, so they have been together for a very long time. I questioned at one time (previously) - why there are 2 different moms groups but only 1 dad group. I knew most of their stories b/c steve had heard them. He really likes the other dads. But I hadn't really met any of the moms. So it was nice to meet them and hear (more of) their stories. But man, they like to talk! They have been together for so long and know so much about each other - it was kind of like sitting at the same table for lunch - but you are an outsider and everyone else is tight knit. It felt like I (we??) was a 3rd wheel to their group. But then, our 2/4 group is normally pretty quiet. There is a LOT of gaps in conversation and it can be awkward. I know 2 or 3 moms don't like to talk about their situations. So maybe that's why. I end up normally talking, I feel like, a lot - because I feel awkward with the silence. So I talk. But this past week I didn't - b/c I felt like an outsider. I'm so not a social person tho. So maybe that's why.
We'll continue with therapy through July - then Bo's Place takes a break in August. In September, we will start back up (hopefully with Grace -but I guess depends on work and marching band) and take Jason. He'll be old enough to go. I don't know that he really needs help with grief, like he did when it first happened. But I want him to participate and find a way to keep Bubba alive for him - or close to his heart. They have lots of free camps and activities too that I think would be really fun for him.
So after the 9 week program ended in March, I was surprised that she asked to go on to the "ongoing" program. So we signed up and attend on 2/4 Wednesdays each month. We started on the last week in April. I was surprised again - when after the 1st week, Grace asked for the following 3 weeks to not go. I guess it was the 4th week though that the teen group really embraced her and she made friends. They snapchat together and I guess follow each other on various social media. Now she is excited.
I had one week where I didn't want to go - because Jason was in swim lessons and I didn't want to burden mom with having to go and take him back home. Plus moving the car seat - such a pain. When I brought up not going - Grace said "well, dad and I can still go". That was a big clue to me that she had found friends. I was a little worried again when 2 of the friends graduated and were moving away for college and military. But the next time therapy came around, no complaints and she went right back to the teens and goofing off and being silly.
I've struggled a couple times with ongoing. Its always hard to find your fit into a new group. I'm such an introvert anyway. But a lot of the moms have a different situation than me. That's that they all lost their children in the hospital. Whether thru cancer or accidents or something else - they all were in the hospital. Whereas we lost Tony immediately. I never got to say goodbye or hold his warm hand or anything. I'm not saying their situation was easier by any stretch of my imagination. It is just different. One night, at therapy, we had a substitute facilitator (who oversees the group and sort of keeps things moving). She was talking with one mom who was talking about the lingering in the hospital - and the facilitator said she thinks that's harder than instant death. That immediately isolated me and made my grief feel invalidated. I realize she's human, and a volunteer to boot. And had she realized that her words made me feel that way, she would have regretted them. But it made me not want to go back.
But I did go back. This summer now, we are paired with the other 2/4 moms group as well as 1/3 wednesday group (tho, this week, there wasn't anyone from that group). The other 2/4 moms group - there were 3 of them. All lost their children in 2013 or 2014, so they have been together for a very long time. I questioned at one time (previously) - why there are 2 different moms groups but only 1 dad group. I knew most of their stories b/c steve had heard them. He really likes the other dads. But I hadn't really met any of the moms. So it was nice to meet them and hear (more of) their stories. But man, they like to talk! They have been together for so long and know so much about each other - it was kind of like sitting at the same table for lunch - but you are an outsider and everyone else is tight knit. It felt like I (we??) was a 3rd wheel to their group. But then, our 2/4 group is normally pretty quiet. There is a LOT of gaps in conversation and it can be awkward. I know 2 or 3 moms don't like to talk about their situations. So maybe that's why. I end up normally talking, I feel like, a lot - because I feel awkward with the silence. So I talk. But this past week I didn't - b/c I felt like an outsider. I'm so not a social person tho. So maybe that's why.
We'll continue with therapy through July - then Bo's Place takes a break in August. In September, we will start back up (hopefully with Grace -but I guess depends on work and marching band) and take Jason. He'll be old enough to go. I don't know that he really needs help with grief, like he did when it first happened. But I want him to participate and find a way to keep Bubba alive for him - or close to his heart. They have lots of free camps and activities too that I think would be really fun for him.
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