Walking this path

A little boy in our town has died. He drowned in his grandparents pool. An example of how tragic life can be at times, despite how much love we have to offer. My heart aches for these parents. For this mom. Her heart now missing a piece - as it traveled to heaved with him.

I don't know why I'm so drawn to situations like this. I see car wreck posts and it sucks me in, Especially if there's a fatality. I guess partly because I don't want someone else finding out like me. But - I think I'm still looking for a connection, to feel less alone.

I see other families lose their children. I remember a boy last year that was accidentally shot by a friend. 15 years old. Another that was fishing and got accidentally electrocuted by an unknown downed power line. He was 19. This little boy. 2 years old.

I've talked with other moms online. From my community. I don't know why I let myself get sucked in. Like I see out these online posts, these stories. I don't intentionally do that. But I think - I just .... want to offer comfort. For them to know they aren't alone. That others have walked this awful path.

But mostly.....I think I want to feel less alone. To feel recognized. For someone to see me. Not my outward appearance or physical self. But to SEE me. To say "I see you. I recognize you as a mother with a broken heart. A piece of your heart is missing. I see that. I recognize you in me. You are not alone."

But in reality, what do I have to offer another? My grief is unique. My pain is my own. Her pain will be her own. We have all walked this path - this unknown, awful road - of losing a child. Yet.....every step we take is uncharted. None have gone before. This is not a well beaten path. It has had thousands, if not millions, of mothers and fathers walk it before. Yet, it is also unwalked. Untouched by others. Rugged. I do not place my foot in the spot another's has stepped. But I step in a new, overgrown, thorny, gnarled up spot. I am not alone. Yet, I am utterly alone at the same time. I must forge my own way.