No words

I just miss Tony. More than words can describe. Pain, grief, sadness - there just isn't a word that explains the feeling in one's chest, my heart. No word does it justice.

Anthony Johnson Spirit Award

So a few weeks after Anthony passed, I reached out to the Alvin Band Director, Chad Bowen. Steve and I wanted to do a band scholarship in Anthony's name. We knew this year would be fairly small - only $250 - because that was all we could afford. We hope in future years to garner donations that will help make it more substantial. We also have discussed donating funds in the beginning of the year to help with private lessons or offset band fees - as well as an end of year scholarship. We will see what happens there.

Anyway - at a local parade a couple weeks after emailing Mr. Bowen, he saw us on the side of the street (watching the parade with Grace and Jason). He ran over to me to tell me he had received my email and would get back to me that week - but he also wanted to tell me that the band directors decided they wanted to create an award in Anthony's name. The spirit award since he had so much band spirit. I was heavily touched by that.

We ended up meeting with the band booster club president, Dana Nichols, who helped us to determine how to proceed. We decided to just stick with the same requirements the booster club has for their scholarships, and to let the booster decide the recipient of the scholarship. At least for this year. This allows us time to determine how we want to proceed in future years. We delivered the money to the booster club Wednesday night, while the band was at the local What a burger playing and having a fundraiser. (As we were leaving, Steve stopped so Jason could hear and see the band playing. However, they started playing the fight song - and I asked him to just go, because I couldn't stand it. That's our fight song, since both Steve and I graduated from Alvin as well, and it was Anthony and Ashley's as well. It also stirred pride and excitement to hear it. Only this time, all I can see is Anthony dancing with his trombone while playing. He certainly was full of spirit. And it was just harder to hear this time)

Saturday night came along - and we attended Grace's band banquet - but it was also Alvin's banquet night. I received a message at some point from a friend - who said her daughter won the spirit award! And later, on a local facebook group, it was posted the pictures of the 2 spirit award winners, as well as the winner of the scholarship. I cried! I'm proud that Anthony can be remembered in this way! Of course, I wish he was remembered by still being here and I miss him more than words can explain. But I think this would make me proud - to know his love of band will continue through others!

The winners of the first Anthony Johnson Spirit Award are Lexi Hunt (10th grade) and Ari Mancha (12th) - and Ari also won the scholarship. Very proud that these young people exhibit the enthusiasm that reminds the directors of Anthony!

(The picture that exemplifies his enthusiasm and spirit. The principal, Dr B, instituted an "orange out" day to encourage students to dress in school colors and have school spirit. Tony took it seriously and covered his jeans and shoes in orange duct tape, wore an orange shirt, sprayed his hair orange and had orange sunglasses. He had to throw the jeans away because he couldn't get all the duct tape OFF the jeans! Ha!)

 (The video of the announcement of the winners)

(Lexi's award)

(The plaque with their names, and lots of room for more in future years!)

(Ari Mancha holding the plaque)

Shattered Dreams Program/Project

So something I haven't shared yet. There's this program called shattered dreams that stages a scene, typically fatal, of car accidents. Maybe drunk driving, maybe speeding and not paying attention, or texting, or whatever. At high schools. They have students as actors and some "die", some "seriously injured". Ems and police and life flight get called and it's done in front of the student body. To sort of make an impact.

So steve was asked, and agreed, to donate Tonys car to the program. He agreed on the stipulation that it would not be used in alvin or santa fe (more friends, or his sister, that would know the car). So it was used a few weeks ago. And I finally watched part of the video. It was basically speeding and distracted by friends in the car - and tonys car was the "victim" car so that made me feel a little better about it. I couldn't watch most of the video, mainly bc I can't see his car and not think about him being in it for his accident.

Anyway, I think it's kind of neat that his car was able to be involved in this program - to hopefully impact these kids in a way that they are safer. Another positive potentially, in the midst of our tragedy and loss.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa7WRfM8yTU

Random thoughts

"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die. I can fly my friends. "

----The show must go on, Queen (Tonys fave band)

"I don't want to die without any scars"
and
"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything"

--------- Fight Club (Tonys fave movie)

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I am grateful for my faith. I am grateful for God's plan for each of us. I'm grateful for my knowledge of what comes after this life and where my son is. I'm grateful that while I have lost my son here, I haven't truly lost him.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng#

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We have a food bowl for our cat - its on the porch railing so the dogs don't eat it. I keep seeing 2 cardinals come eat the food. One is quite dull in color compared to the other - so I figure they are male and female. I keep seeing both of them. Sometimes just one eats out of the bowl but when it flies off - the other one quickly joins. 

We came home the other day from eating out - and immediately saw in our chicken coop - that the cardinals had gotten inside and were trying to figure out how to get out. (the back of our coop is "open" - wire - not a solid wall so we were able to see). I got in the coop and left the door open and then tried to guide them to the door. They were quite frightened and kept trying to fly thru the chicken wire. Finally they both found their way out the door. It was kind of an interesting experience. 

Some people say cardinals are actually our missed loved ones visiting. I don't think it's Tony, but only because we have always had cardinals here. They are so bright and always capture my attention. Them, and the bright blue bluejays. Regardless - it's interesting to observe. 

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I was doing so good on the thoughts and sadness. Trying to be positivd. I hate the negative bc it makes the grief that much harder. Then I go to close my eyes and bam! All the anxiety and thoughts and sadness. I sure do miss my son. Hard to believe it's been 8.5 weeks. I drove by the accident site yesterday. I rarely drive that way so intentionally went that way. First time with just me driving. You can still see some skid marks.

I was thinking about the funeral. I wish I'd have taken more time to think about what to put in the casket with him. I remember a couple friends put momentos of theirs in there. I thought that was sweet. I think about when I was talking during the memories section. Ive tried really hard since it happened to be positive and remember all the good things. We have really worried about his young friends that have had to deal with this. But as I was talking, I started to get emotional.i remember one of his friends coming and putting his arm around me. Austin I think but honestly I'm not sure. That support and strength meant so much at that time when I was weak.

Anthony has some good friends. I regret that we didn't realize it sooner and take the time to get to know them before his death.

I sure do hate these long nights.

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I think I had my first dream of tony. I vaguely remember most of it. But he was back for a few days. Like, we knee he'd died and he'd come back to give us extra time. But he'd be his normal self when I'd try to take pictures and I had to tell him that I needed these pictures bc he was dead and we were going to lose him again. It wasn't sad. Most of what I remember was fun times like we always had. Like me telling him that was filled w laughter - like "come on dude! Focus! Let me do this! Haha".

I don't know what to make of it.

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I cancelled our counseling session this week. Steve and I had already talked about spacing it out - whether it's helping or not. He's not a talker. I am. I have to emotionally throw up to get some control back. To find some semblance of control at least. Holding it in doesn't help me AT ALL. I have to talk. I post a LOT on facebook. It seems to be how I process. People don't know how to respond to that. But i do it for me, more than anything else. I'm just not sure it helps though. It's not how Steve processes things; and the last 2 sessions I've ended up dreading going. The sessions turned out okay - but maybe if I'm' starting to feel like I don't want to go, I need to take a break. 

We tour Bo's Place next week. This is a grief support setup - various groups. One of them is called "Little Friends" - for 3 and 4 year olds. It's to help them try to make sense of something that they just don't understand. It's about an hour or so away though. But I guess the set up is - he and I will meet with the group (sort of mommy and me - or parent and me style), then he will go off with the little kids and the parent/adult goes off to their group. So maybe that will be helpful to me as well. 

Jason has been asking a lot of questions though. "Where is Bubba", "When is Bubba coming to visit me", "why did Bubba go to heaven" (and "I don't want Bubba to be in heaven"), "where is heaven" and "Is heaven in the mud where we put Bubba?" How do you help a 3 year old, who has very little to no abstract thinking processes, understand heaven - which is really an abstract concept? So I'm hoping it will help. 

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I survived Mother's Day. Nothing exciting happened. Church was hard, of course, but I went. A sister said I looked like I needed a hug - and then patted my knee and said "whatever is going on, just know it will get better." She didn't know Tony died. I told her. I'm sure she felt like crap. I feel like I'm constantly having to think about how *other* people feel. I ended up leaving the class early. It was too hard. I yelled at my family. I sulked. We went out to eat to get out of the house. It was miserable for me. I got a nap but it was fitful. Someone from church dropped off a sweet gift. I posted on my facebook - about mothers day. Just like happy mothers day, especially for those who have lost a child. I also told friends to stop for a minute, before griping about their kids, complaining they were forgotten or didn't get what they wanted or the kids were fighting or whatever. Just stop and be grateful that they are even there to fight, to make messes, to forget a mothers day card. I didn't survive Mothers Day gracefully. But I survived.

That seems to be how I'm plugging along. Not gracefully. Not elegantly. Grief is ugly. It's passionate and distorted, terribly powerful, and clumsy. It sneaks up on you and quietly consumes you. Or it jumps from behind the curtain and makes your heart freeze. It's screaming and shouting; pounding your fists; curling into a ball on the floor; crying from the depths of your being; anguish oozing from every pore. No matter how strong the faith - the depth of grief is determined by the love experienced and the loss that is left. My son is NOT lost forever - but in this time, in MY time, right now here on earth, my son is gone. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces and putting it back together and stitching it back up doesn't work. The pieces are now changed and don't fit right. Some pieces are missing. I want to stop the hemorrhaging of grief however - so I keep stitching pieces together in hopes that they will somehow fit, and slow the gushing. 

I miss my son with every fiber of my being. I can't go any time at all without something reminding me of him - or thoughts creeping inward. His role in our lives was so big and so deep and so powerful - that his absence is felt everywhere. I miss my son. My baby. My handsome man. I also miss my friend. The man he had grown to be - I enjoyed him as a friend as well as a mom. And I miss my friend. 

Making a choice

I've been having nightmares for awhile now. And I had been trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle of the accident - hoping if I could get a fuller picture, maybe my nightmares would stop.

I met with the medical examiner to go over some of the terminology that I didn't understand; to try to get answers on some of the findings; and to talk about a mistake in the autopsy. (2 parts go over broken bones but another part says no broken bones).

After speaking with the medical examiner, and not really getting the answers I wanted - but getting the answers I needed - I decided to make a choice.

I wanted to know for certain that Tony passed instantly, with no suffering or pain. The medical examiner couldn't give that to me. I wanted that peace of mind. But I wasn't getting it. However, Tony had major head/brain injuries - and that is what likely caused his quick death (vs some of the other devastating injuries).

One thing that stands out to me - is when we hit our heads really hard - we are stunned. It takes some time to feel the pain. Or have an awareness of what happened.

So I *choose* to believe that IF he didn't pass instantly - that IF he was awake before he passed - that he felt no pain. I *choose* to believe that he didn't really have an awareness of his situation. And I *choose* to believe he didn't feel fear or pain.

I made that choice on Tuesday.

I haven't had a nightmare since. Wednesday came and I spent time with Grace in the morning and I felt more "present" (emotionally" with her. I enjoyed our time. I spent the afternoon "present" with Jason, playing board games with him.

I have felt more peace.

And that is a tender mercy.

I'm choosing to find ways to be more present; to be more appreciative of the positive things in my life, of the people; and to find a way to smile at my memories of my precious boy, instead of shedding tears. I have blessings every day, and I'm *choosing* to see them and be thankful for them.

More details

I had requested the autopsy report and received that in the mail. I wasn't sure if I would read it or not. But, I had to. I had to know.

One thing I've decided about myself - first off, I'm a talker. I can't hold my emotions in and process them. I have to process them by essentially regurgitating my feelings. Emotional vomit. That's basically what it is. I have to throw them all up - and then it's like I can see them. I can touch them. I can examine and analyze them and begin to make sense of them.

So I had to read the autopsy. I needed the details. I needed to put together this picture.

I had hoped it would say he had broken his neck (as much as one can "hope" for that) - and that would confirm what everyone said: that he had passed instantly.

It didn't say that. His injuries were devastating though. And with my background in nursing and my medical knowledge, I felt sure - had he survived the initial impact, he would not have made it to the hospital. He may not have even made it until an ambulance or life flight would have gotten there.

As much as I would like to disclose his injuries - I do not believe that it would be helpful to anyone that might read this. So suffice it to say - his injuries were devastating.

As a mom - while we never, ever want to lose a child - we certainly don't want our children to suffer. And this accident - while I did not witness it - I have imagined it many times. I have imagined the fear he had while losing control of his car. I have imagined the pain and suffering because I can't be sure he passed instantly. And it overwhelms me and causes me anxiety and grief.

I had many questions though about the autopsy, so I scheduled an appointment to meet with the medical examiner.

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I also met with the investigating officer of the accident. Officer Muhl. He met with me and Steve on a Friday afternoon. I knew what I thought had happened - based on friend statements and based on what I understood the day of the accident. But it didn't match up with the police report. So I needed to meet with him to go over details. I needed the information to further the picture of what happened I was trying to put together.

So basically, Tony and his friends in the other car were speeding. Maybe 75 mph (the speed limit was 45). Tony tried to move from the right hand lane, to the left hand lane. Either to pass his friends or something. His friends moved over to block him. They were goofing off. Tony swerved back to the right lane and, basically, just over corrected. He lost control, and slid sideways into a parked truck. He was on asphalt, which, the officer explained, has less friction capacity than concrete. So he was unable to really grip the road to slow. Based on the impact, he hit the truck at about 70 mph. And the officer explained our bodies can really only withstand an impact of about 40 mph. He told me that Tony did not suffer. Skid marks proved this is what happened.

I think Tony would have appreciated the explanation because a lot of math was referenced. It was oddly comforting to me. Like, maybe I could feel Tony smiling that in life he loved math - and in death, math was used to determine what happened.

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Initially I felt kind of mad at his friends. Like, because they were goofing off, and because they moved to block him, he wrecked. Ultimately however, Tony chose to speed. He chose to play games in the car. And ultimately, he paid that price. I feel grief and empathy for his friends and what they witnessed, and what they lost as well. I feel for them - imagining the guilt and emotions they must feel. My anger at their actions serves no purpose. It doesn't change anything that happened.

Anger is just a part of grief though. It doesn't have to make sense. And the best sense I can make of it - whatever sense there is - I feel this way because they are present. They are young men I CAN feel angry towards. It's difficult to direct any anger towards Tony since he's not here. But in reality, HIS choices heavily contributed to the outcome.

And as Steve has pointed out several times, we have played those games in the cars with each other when we were younger. We have done reckless things, immature things, dangerous things. And the only difference? We got lucky. We didn't die.

Untitled

So it's been several weeks since I've blogged. I think about it but it's been difficult to force myself to write anything. I also am frustrated with the blogger format. I don't understand why it does certain things (like highlights white when I copy/paste something) - and the person that would have helped me to understand it isn't with us anymore.

I've had such conflicting emotions and it's been difficult. I've been angry - and sad - I've blogged about both. But it's sort of changed over the weeks too. I've become angry at people for certain things - and not necessarily showing that I'm angry, but just feeling it. The depression becomes a burden too - where I force myself to get up with Jason, get us dressed and morning hygiene. There have been days I haven't made him anything until he specifically asked. I don't eat a lot so I don't tend to think about it.

The funny thing - I guess - I used to care about our diet. Raising our own food, canning our own food, eating few processed things. Not necessarily a "diet" - but just being healthier and pickier about our food. Organic. Whole food. Unprocessed. Unaltered. But now - we eat a lot of cinnamon rolls or store bought muffins for breakfast. Hot dogs, pot pies, fast food for dinners. I just don't care anymore. I might one day - but in the grand scheme of things, the effort into our previous eating habits is overwhelming and I just plain don't have it in me. So we eat junk and at least we are getting food in our bellies. And I'm okay with that.

Back to the depression. I'm checked out a lot. If Jason is happy watching Paw Patrol or Super Why or Curious George, or if he's happy on his tablet playing games - then I'm happy being checked out. I play my game on my phone or I surf facebook or maybe watch a tv show I record. It's a distraction from anything that currently is such a big effort. Grieving. Being present for my son. Doing chores or facing responsibilities. All that can be overwhelming so I end up checked out emotionally or mentally. Physically there but not really there.

I hate all that though. I mean - I know grief in and of itself is a negative thing. And thus - many of the emotions tied to it are thereby negative. But I hate being angry. I hate being depressed. The really negative feelings - they just don't help me. They don't bring Tony back. They don't help me feel better about any of it. I want to be able to think of Tony, see pictures, remember the times we had - and have a fondness about it all. I want to smile in my memories, not cry. And yet - it's been 7 weeks only - so of course, I'm still crying.

It hits me randomly as well. I can be driving down the road. And the thoughts creep in and I get choked up. Or when I'm at home. Or in the store. Or whenever. The worst has been at night. After everyone falls asleep - and I'm exhausted. My brain seems to kick into overdrive, and the thoughts go crazy and the grief overwhelms me and I cry. A LOT. By myself.

I have nightmares too. The biggest is that Tony isn't dead. He's in his coffin, buried - and he can't get out. And of course, because we donated his eyes, he can't see. And it becomes overwhelming for me - my heart races and aches with panic and anxiety. And I just bawl. The big ugly cry. The gut wrenching cry.

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We passed the 1 month mark on April 16. That day was also the day Grace had her first prom. It was "mo-pro" or Mormon Prom. Basically - a prom with high standards and conservative dress. Grace found a beautiful royal blue dress and looked beautiful. She asked a boy from church. 3 other girls and their dates showed up at our property for pictures with their parents. And then they went on their way. Steve drove the 3 couples while Grace and her date drove in her car. (our suburban couldn't fit everyone). They went to get frozen yogurt and then to the dance. Steve stayed up there in that part of town - and in the end, drove one of the boys home. Another parent picked up the other 5 youth. And Grace and her date came back here. She had a good time.

And honestly - it was a good distraction from the significance of the day. Distractions seem to keep me sane.

Messages from friends

Sharing just a handful of messages and memories we received

From his church friend Pauline Renfroe: "Melanie, I just woke up and saw your post. I'm in tears... I am so sorry. Tony is such an incredible spirit. The only thought that comes to my mind is that he is serving his mission now. I don't know what to say, because all I can do is cry. I wish words helped heal things like this because I would say them all to help the pain."

A band friend - Alexis Wittwer: "I just want to let you know I am sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you and your family. It was a pleasure to be in band with AJ and even though I haven't talked to him since I graduated he was a great guy! He was loved by a lot of people and my news feed has been flooded all afternoon with posts of kidness, sadness, and comfort. "

A missionary that served in the young singles ward - Allie Hunt: "Hello- you probably don't remember me; I served as a missionary in the young single adult branch for half of my mission and was able to get to know Tony and be in your home with your beautiful family. I'm extremely saddened to hear of his passing, and can't even begin to imagine what you are going through! Just know my prayers are with you and your wonderful family! God bless!"

High school friend - Autumn Walleck: "Hi I just wanted to message you and express how sorry I am for your loss. I just saw on Facebook about AJ and it really tore me up. In high school he was always there for me making sure I had a great day even through the roughest moments of my life. He truly was a great guy and I am so incredibly sorry for the hurt you must be feeling because I can't imagine. I know how hurt I am and I haven't even seen him much since graduation, but I'll be praying and thinking of your family through this rough time."

The facilitator for a girl and a gun chapter that I attend, Tracy Hughes: "Melanie...I know that your super busy and can't chat right now, but I wanted you to know that your A Girl and A Gun sisters are with you in though and prayer. You have an army of ladies ready to help if they're needed. We had a moment of silence for Tony, you and your family before we started breakfast and bullets this morning. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))"
(A moment of silence - that really touched me)

A friend - Cain Collins: "I know that we've never met. But I wana offer my condolences. Aj was one of my best friends and he was there for me when I lost my grandma pat. He was truly an amazing person and one that the whole world is gonna miss."

His friend (and was supposed to be his roommate) Carolyn Odonnell: "I don't even know what to say.. I'm so so so sorry. I can't imagine what your going through. He was so loved. I was so happy to meet you on Monday. He talked about how amazing you are. Please, if you need ANYTHING let me know. I don't care what it is. I'm here for anything you need I would love to help. Just give me the word and I'm there."
Her facebook post "Anthony, We didn't know each other longer than this past year but we clicked immediately and we became friends. So much so that in 2 weeks we were suppose to move in together. We had so many plans, we even picked out your puppy together. It would have been so fun living with you. I knew we would have come home from work every day and talk about all the assholes that we had to deal with and work on your bike. We had so many plans I don't even know what to do with our apartment now. I miss you so much. I wish I had gone into work on time yesterday so I could have talked to you one last time. Losing two close people in one month has to have been one of the hardest points in my life. I know you and Nicole are watching all of us from up there. Prayers towards your closer friends and your sweet mother and family.

RIP Brother, amazing friend, and the best roommate I could have ever had"

A facebook post from a friend from school (and son of a friend of ours) - Rob Smith "I recently lost a close friend of mine, Anthony Johnson. He and I were great friends throughout junior high and part of high school. It was hard hearing the news and then coping with it. I do wish I was able to aactually be there but I'm on this bog metal box for awhile, so when i do return, AJ, ol' buddy ol' pal, I'll stop by and chat. Thank you for all the memories and teaching me that life is a very vauble thing. "

I don't have a specific message from a friend Jennifer Warman - but she sent many, and worked with the high school band director to get the news out to band students, share the crowdfund page, and get a lot of pictures from his band/high school days. I remember Tony speaking often of Jennifer and her sweet baby. 

A poem a friend of ours, Kayla Bourque, wrote for us: "My Baby Boy

There are no words to say all that is in my heart. A child full of life, a man full of love, You brightened my day just by being you. My baby boy.

Received by Jesus, much too soon for me, As my tears fall, He is wiping your tears away. As I feel broken, you are made complete. My baby boy.

What I wouldn't give just to hold you one more time. To kiss your cheek and hear you say, “I love you.” One more time. My baby boy."

A friend from high school, Taylor Faulkner: "Hi it's me again. I just wanted to share with you and thank you for raising such a gentlemen son. He was always there for me to talk to and he always checked up on me when I posted sad stuff on Facebook. He was such a great friend. I just wanna thank you again and send your family my love. Hope to see you Tuesday. "

A message to our family from the Christensen family at church: "Steve I really don't know you as a person, and I hope to change that in the future but on the other hand I feel like I've known you for a long time because I've known Tony for a long time and through his actions and how he treated other people I know you are and awesome man, dad, and husband! Melanie I've know you for a long time and have always been uplifted when you are around. I know that you also have contributed large parts of who you are to what made Tony who he was. I love how even at the toughest of times you both are finding the happy times and shared moments that become memories! Grace I've watched you and Tony grow up in more ways than one and I am truly blessed to know all of you. To all of you we are keeping y'all in our thoughts and prayers. If there is anything that you need please don't hesitate to reach out to us! I'm sorry that it has taken me this long to reach out to y'all since that day you called me Melanie I just didn't have words to express how I felt and feel! From the bottom of our hearts we love y'all. "

From Diane Dart, mom to Dylan (which was one of tony's best friends): "Hi. I don't think I've ever met you but I've known AJ for a long time. I just wanted to let you know how truly sorry I am for your loss. AJ was at our house the other night with Tres and my son eating dinner. We sat around the table and talkedand laughed for a few hours. He was a wonderful young man who was always welcome at our house. If there's anything we can do to help please let me know. I'm so sorry."

A girl from church we've known since she was itty bitty, and Tony dated for a short time - Autumn Mosis: "Hey Sis Johnson. I've meant to message you.. I just haven't known what to say. I love your family so much. Tony was an incredible young man. He made such a great impact on me. There are so many memories, but I don't know what to share. He was always super supportive of me, and I am so grateful for his influence in my life. Please, let me know if there's anything I can do. I love you all!"

Friend from high school - Rob Mullins "I went to High School with AJ as well as played basketball with him at Harby Junior High. We use to be much closer friends then, but I still count him as one of my closest friends. I dont know if you remember me, bu AJ went to one of my birthday parties at a paintball field in Jr. High. He was a great friend and will be greatly missed. I am currently in college in AZ so I will not be able to make it to the ceremony. But as part of the open mic. invite I would like to tell you my personal favorite memory. Like I said before, we use to play basketball together in Jr high. I wasnt personal very good at it, but AJ would help me in gym or during training he would pep me up during games, he would cheer, he was a great person. I also loved his food!!! ha ha again sorry for your loss"

A band mate - Natalie Noel "Hi Mrs. Johnson. You probably don't know me, but I was in band with AJ. We weren't really close, but I would like to think we were friends. Anyways, he was always so nice! He always went above and beyond. AJ was the first one there and the last to leave every time. He was one of the only kids to always be helping with the truck, loading it and unloading. Every time. He was always holding the door for everybody, putting everybody ahead of him. He had so much personality. He'll always be remembered. I have a 2 year old and I cannot imagine losing him. So my prayers are with you and your family. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. God Bless you ma'am!"

His best friend, Dylan's, post after the funeral "Had the honor of being one of the pall bearers at one of my best friend's funerals today, I'd like to thank Steve Johnson and Melanie Rose Johnson for giving that honor to me and even inviting me. It was rough but we made it through. ‪#‎red4aj‬"

His best friend, Austin's, post on facebook after the funeral "Today i was given the honor to walk my best friend to his Final resting place thanks too the Johnson family , i cant begin to tell you how much aj meant to me and how i cant even imagine how his family must feel , today i saw my brother off for the last time ever . You are loved and you will be missed aj , but youll always be in my heart . ‪#‎red4aj‬"

Band mate Rachael Hawkins (sharing a pic of her, Tony and his girlfriend at the time Dianna) "This picture was taken at our first high school marching band game. We had the best time ever and we talked about all the fun we were going to have through high school. You stayed a close friend all through high school and I'm so glad I could call you a close friend. You will be greatly missed, AJ"

Also Rachael posted this on facebook "I can't believe this happened. Anthony you were such a wonderful friend to me. Thank you for helping me with my homework when I didn't understand it. Thank you for always making me smile and laugh when I was having a bad day. And thank you for just being a great guy. RIP Anthony Johnson"

Adrian Seigfried from church "Everyone deserves a friend like Anthony Johnson. I will miss you my brother and I will always remember the awesome life you had. You impacted me more than you know and I will always look up to you. Rest easy."

Band Mate Kaylee Snider (sharing pics from the Disney band trip) "These were taken two years ago on the senior part of the spring trip for 2014. Mr. Bowen had two tickets that were only about 5 rows away from the stage at the Blue Man Group and Aj and I played rock, paper, scissors and won them. We sat next to each other in awe of their performance on stage and then even got to take a picture with one of them! Shortly after the concert, we went outside and that's when I snapped a shot of him in front of the Universal globe. I can't believe such a good hearted and great friend of mine is gone. He was definitely too young, and will be missed by all who've met him. I'm so sorry for his family to have to go through this, but I hope they know how many people adored him. We love you Aj, rest in peace."

A friend Christian Moore "Anthony Johnson You were one of the last people to see me off before basic at the shop. And you asked me to come back and tell you about the adventure. Sorry I never got the chance. Rest in peace brother"

Friend, Cheyenne Lindsay "I don't know what to say.. Anthony Johnson was one of the nicest people I've met and so caring to everyone and for this to happen.. I'm lost for words. Rip Anthony you were truly a great friend."

Cousin Tyler Tucker "You were such a good kid. Smartest in our generation of the family. You shared my love for Star Wars and being a geek but you also had a wild side. You were the only one in the family I could relate to with my love for adrenaline and risk taking but now you know just what's on the other side. You were loved and I miss you much already"