So it's been several weeks since I've blogged. I think about it but it's been difficult to force myself to write anything. I also am frustrated with the blogger format. I don't understand why it does certain things (like highlights white when I copy/paste something) - and the person that would have helped me to understand it isn't with us anymore.
I've had such conflicting emotions and it's been difficult. I've been angry - and sad - I've blogged about both. But it's sort of changed over the weeks too. I've become angry at people for certain things - and not necessarily showing that I'm angry, but just feeling it. The depression becomes a burden too - where I force myself to get up with Jason, get us dressed and morning hygiene. There have been days I haven't made him anything until he specifically asked. I don't eat a lot so I don't tend to think about it.
The funny thing - I guess - I used to care about our diet. Raising our own food, canning our own food, eating few processed things. Not necessarily a "diet" - but just being healthier and pickier about our food. Organic. Whole food. Unprocessed. Unaltered. But now - we eat a lot of cinnamon rolls or store bought muffins for breakfast. Hot dogs, pot pies, fast food for dinners. I just don't care anymore. I might one day - but in the grand scheme of things, the effort into our previous eating habits is overwhelming and I just plain don't have it in me. So we eat junk and at least we are getting food in our bellies. And I'm okay with that.
Back to the depression. I'm checked out a lot. If Jason is happy watching Paw Patrol or Super Why or Curious George, or if he's happy on his tablet playing games - then I'm happy being checked out. I play my game on my phone or I surf facebook or maybe watch a tv show I record. It's a distraction from anything that currently is such a big effort. Grieving. Being present for my son. Doing chores or facing responsibilities. All that can be overwhelming so I end up checked out emotionally or mentally. Physically there but not really there.
I hate all that though. I mean - I know grief in and of itself is a negative thing. And thus - many of the emotions tied to it are thereby negative. But I hate being angry. I hate being depressed. The really negative feelings - they just don't help me. They don't bring Tony back. They don't help me feel better about any of it. I want to be able to think of Tony, see pictures, remember the times we had - and have a fondness about it all. I want to smile in my memories, not cry. And yet - it's been 7 weeks only - so of course, I'm still crying.
It hits me randomly as well. I can be driving down the road. And the thoughts creep in and I get choked up. Or when I'm at home. Or in the store. Or whenever. The worst has been at night. After everyone falls asleep - and I'm exhausted. My brain seems to kick into overdrive, and the thoughts go crazy and the grief overwhelms me and I cry. A LOT. By myself.
I have nightmares too. The biggest is that Tony isn't dead. He's in his coffin, buried - and he can't get out. And of course, because we donated his eyes, he can't see. And it becomes overwhelming for me - my heart races and aches with panic and anxiety. And I just bawl. The big ugly cry. The gut wrenching cry.
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We passed the 1 month mark on April 16. That day was also the day Grace had her first prom. It was "mo-pro" or Mormon Prom. Basically - a prom with high standards and conservative dress. Grace found a beautiful royal blue dress and looked beautiful. She asked a boy from church. 3 other girls and their dates showed up at our property for pictures with their parents. And then they went on their way. Steve drove the 3 couples while Grace and her date drove in her car. (our suburban couldn't fit everyone). They went to get frozen yogurt and then to the dance. Steve stayed up there in that part of town - and in the end, drove one of the boys home. Another parent picked up the other 5 youth. And Grace and her date came back here. She had a good time.
And honestly - it was a good distraction from the significance of the day. Distractions seem to keep me sane.
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