Making a choice

I've been having nightmares for awhile now. And I had been trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle of the accident - hoping if I could get a fuller picture, maybe my nightmares would stop.

I met with the medical examiner to go over some of the terminology that I didn't understand; to try to get answers on some of the findings; and to talk about a mistake in the autopsy. (2 parts go over broken bones but another part says no broken bones).

After speaking with the medical examiner, and not really getting the answers I wanted - but getting the answers I needed - I decided to make a choice.

I wanted to know for certain that Tony passed instantly, with no suffering or pain. The medical examiner couldn't give that to me. I wanted that peace of mind. But I wasn't getting it. However, Tony had major head/brain injuries - and that is what likely caused his quick death (vs some of the other devastating injuries).

One thing that stands out to me - is when we hit our heads really hard - we are stunned. It takes some time to feel the pain. Or have an awareness of what happened.

So I *choose* to believe that IF he didn't pass instantly - that IF he was awake before he passed - that he felt no pain. I *choose* to believe that he didn't really have an awareness of his situation. And I *choose* to believe he didn't feel fear or pain.

I made that choice on Tuesday.

I haven't had a nightmare since. Wednesday came and I spent time with Grace in the morning and I felt more "present" (emotionally" with her. I enjoyed our time. I spent the afternoon "present" with Jason, playing board games with him.

I have felt more peace.

And that is a tender mercy.

I'm choosing to find ways to be more present; to be more appreciative of the positive things in my life, of the people; and to find a way to smile at my memories of my precious boy, instead of shedding tears. I have blessings every day, and I'm *choosing* to see them and be thankful for them.