3 Month Heavenly Birthday

To you,  my son, 

Yesterday was 3 months to the day you passed from this life, to the next. I wonder what you are doing in heaven and I wonder if you miss us, or miss this life. There's so much we miss about you, but I wonder if it matters because you have moved to the next stage. So is it selfish to wish you were still here to show us a magic trick, bake a cake, fix my computer, tell us some new fun fact, show us math tricks, play with your brother or razz your sister?

Yesterday Jason and I bought some balloons and stopped by your grave.  I cry every time I'm there. I don't feel you when I'm there and it's just sad. Jason initially picked out a cars happy birthday balloon. It's kind of a birthday tho. Your 3 month heavenly birthday. He picked out a spiderman small balloon on a stick for him. But he decided on the way to the cemetery that he wanted the cars balloon. So we stuck the spiderman balloon stick in the ground. Jason and I talked about you and what we remember about you, and what we miss.

Jason says he's Bubba now. He says this often. Or he says he's a Bubba too. Sometimes it makes my heart hurt but it also makes me happy because he had a great example of a Bubba.

J was telling me not to cry, and I said "it's so hard because I miss Bubba so much". He said "it's so hard for me too". He asks so many questions. He said the white ford that is still sitting out here - "Bubba can drive the white car when he's not dead anymore".

 

We need to get a headstone one day for you (we have to wait 6 to 9 months for the dirt to settle). I don't know what to put on it. I wish I had something that just was so you - but you were so many things! A clue of what you'd like would be nice! ;-)

I bought Jason a bunch of new games to play at home. We used to love to play games as a family and it's hard now with just Grace, me and Dad. All our games are beyond Jason's level. And Candyland and Chutes & Ladders is frustrating to play. I think you'd like the games we bought him. I remember us having so I much fun playing games with you, so I want Jason to have fun family memories too. Grace even thought they were fun. Haha!

Jason is such a smart boy. He's always learning something new. In some ways he reminds me of Ashley. But in others, you. He's using a lot of math, but doesn't realize it. He makes shapes out of his cars. He knows what rhombus and trapezoid shapes are. I think you'd be really happy with that! Maybe he will be a math nut like you!

(J building a trapezoid with his cars)

He also has taken to playing "chef" and "restaurant". He likes to have customers tell him what they want to eat and then he makes is. It's really cute. I think I might give him one of your old chef coats.

Grace showed me a video the other day. She is getting very very talented with makeup and hair. She spends a lot of time watching makeup videos. Do you remember the movie Now You See Me? Well the 2nd one came out. So this video was a makeup artist, for the movie I think? Or promoting it. Not sure. Anyway, she was doing magic tricks w the makeup and her face (being made up). It sort of combined you and Grace! I thought you would really like it, even tho Dad says the magic tricks weren't great. Haha!

Finding Dory is out now. I can't remember if you wanted to see that. Jason is excited about it.

I worry about Grace. Her anaphylaxis is becoming more frequent and I wonder if it's stress induced. But we are having to increase and add medications. I fear often that we will lose her to this and I can't bear that.

Ashley has pushed me away again. It was expected, tho there wasn't a blowout this time. I really feel like even tho I birthed 4 children, I only have 2 left. It's hard on this mama's heart. I hope one day that Ashley can accept us, despite our political or religious or social differences. I hope we can one day put all the negative past behind us. Maybe you can help influence her? Or help me to find a better perspective, since you have a better eternal view than me now?

I think your friends are doing ok. They all got tattoos in your memory. Dad did too. I want one, even tho I know it's against the Gospel. But I don't know what I want, that would represent you or you and me. Any ideas? ;-) I don't hear from many friends but I follow them on social media. Jana got married. I know that you wanted to be there. Carolyn got engaged!! Imagine if you were here and rooming with carolyn! I'm excited for her, even tho I only met her once. Tristan and Ammie got married in the temple. Maybe you got to see that? I don't know. Austin took your puppy and named him Bubba I think. He shares pictures sometimes. Seems to be doing good.

Your cousin, Faith, graduated. She got accepted to Sam Houston State I think. Someplace in Huntsville anyway. Haha! I'm so excited for her! Grace finished 10th grade and also made drum line captain.

(Alex, Faith and Grace at Faith's graduation party)

We set up a scholarship in band in your name and Bowen made a spirit award too. So at the banquet, Ari Mancha got that. I guess yall knew each other?

Angie isn't doing so good. She seems to have left the church and moved in with a boyfriend. I wish you could somehow influence her. She was planning a mission. I don't know what happened.

It seems a lot has happened in 3 months, but also not a lot. I wonder what the 3 months feels like where you are. How does time pass there and what measurements are used? Who are you talking with and helping. You were always a helper so I know you are helping there too. I wonder if you miss us. Because you understand things differently now, I wonder if that's just a mortal, earthly emotion. Do you have regrets? Do you visit us? Or watch over us? I wonder about you all the time. I love you so much. I hope you still feel that.

Happy 3 month heavenly birthday Son.

Love, Mom

Unrealistic dream

I had another dream the other day about Tony.

I ran across a photo of him on instagram. He had updated it with a selfie showing a new gun he had bought. (When he turned 21 later this year, he was going to get his license to carry and a gun to carry) I saw it and thought it was a really neat thing for him!

But then I remembered - he's dead. We buried him! I texted him to call us right away! My feeling was panic and excitement - he wasn't dead!! He wasn't dead!! 

I mean, what happened? We buried him but it wasn't his body then! Right? 

I remember later in the dream showing Steve and we saw injuries on his mouth and head that looked like they were healing. I felt upset that he hadn't texted me back and I couldn't get a hold of him!! But he had to he alive - and ok!! Why hadn't he reached out to us in these past weeks and months? Why hadn't his friends told us? I was so excited that he was alive and that I would he able to hug him again!

And then... I woke up.

And then... had to face That he was still gone. 

That it was just a dream.

A day in my life

It's been almost 3 months. Let me take you thru my day. (Things I didn't include - the near non-stop prayers in my heart and head. The fake smiling and laughing with my family or friends, trying to pretend things are normal. Sitting in a bathtub, crying.) I hope this is able to convey how nearly every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of my lost son, often at the expense of those people still actively in my life.

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I normally wake about 6 when my alarm goes off. My first thought is "Tony". I re-remember every day at that first moment of waking.

I was making sure Grace was getting up for school, but school is out now. I usually talk to Steve. He'll fall back asleep after his alarm so I doze and wake, doze and wake, til he's up and gone to work. Sometimes I think about Tony, even though I don't really want to. I want to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested. Thinking about Tony makes me sad or anxious and it makes sleep difficult.

About 830 Jason usually wakes up and wakes me, if I'm still asleep. He'll usually play w my hair or scratch my back while I look at my phone. Then we get up.

Normally we would get dressed for the day and brush our teeth. Lately he just comes in the living room with his diaper still on. We usually dont bother to change clothes unless we need to leave the house or hopefully before Steve gets home. And we usually don't brush our teeth til then either. The TV immediately turns on to "his" shows. Then I get something to drink and eat. That usually consists of packaged muffins, waffles, cereal bars, or cereal. He picks at his food while he watches tv. I'm building great habits here.

I usually read Facebook or play a game on my phone. I do this so I don't think.

Sometimes I read him books or he tells me he wants to play a game. Sometimes I sit on the porch so the pups come around and climb all over me.

Usually at some point I need to run an errand. So we get dressed and cleaned up. We fight the dogs out to the truck. Get buckled in. Then leave. Now, maybe it's a short errand or maybe it's long. 

Sometimes Jason talks non stop, to which I honestly only halfway pay attention. Sometimes he is quiet. If we brought his tablet then he is quiet. It doesn't matter if the radio is on or not. I don't really hear it, or certainly don't "feel" it. (I used to be a sing in the car kinda girl) My mind wanders. 

Maybe I pass a spot in the road where Tony wrecked before (he had 2 wrecks on the main road near our home so it's usually a daily occurrence to pass those spots) - and I think about him. Or maybe it's conversations we had. It could be just thinking about his voice and how, even this early out, I don't remember his voice. Maybe I think about times we went together to wherever I'm going now. Or it could be I think how it would be if he could go with us.

Maybe I think about the day - like today. Beautiful, sunny. I think about him showing up at home, in shorts, tee, flip flops, with his radio blaring, smile on his face - and some new thing he learned, or was doing, to share with us. 

Sometimes I think about his wreck. Actually, that's most of the time. Him losing control and his thoughts or fear as he was about to crash. I think often about the police showing up at my house too. How I felt like my world split wide open.

So driving is not pleasant.

If we go to the store, guaranteed I will see something that reminds me Tony. Maybe it's cooking supplies, or its graphic tees. Maybe it's a deck of cards or some dice. It could really be anything. There are a million or more memories.

I struggle with Jason. I don't have the energy to chase him or keep up. I don't want to fight him by putting him in a basket. But it's usually a constant battle with him running, getting into things, hiding, etc. I'm surprised I haven't lost him.

Maybe we go somewhere social. Maybe it's story time at the library. We go in to the story room and I sit down. Sometimes I correct him if he's not listening. Sometimes I dont. I usually sit there. I'm always just on the edge of a cliff - the tears are always waiting to overwhelm me. After the story, they do a craft. This takes patience and presence for me. I have to help Jason and instruct Jason and not lose my patience with him. He is only 3 after all. Luckily the craft takes about 10 minutes. Then we go to check out books. This means he plays on the iPad setup for kids, and I grab books and check out. Then I have to convince him to leave. Sometimes I bribe him. (Let's go to sonic) Sometimes I just tell him. Most times, I have to carry him (and my purse, the books, the craft), while he screams, to the truck. It usually takes about an hour from start to finish and I'm exhausted.

I used to take him to the park next door afterward. Now I dont. He gets mad and cries. And I just wish he'd hush.

I often see black or dark grey small, 2 door sporty type cars on the road. Every time I think about Tony. Very occasionally I see a black scion tc. It makes my heart stop. It's all I can do to keep the truck on the road, continue to breathe, and see through the tears.

Maybe I see a car for sale. I think of Tony, because I remember car shopping with him.

Maybe I drive past a friend's (or ex girlfriend)  home and I think about him.

Maybe I drive past Civil Vape Shop - and I think of all the time he spent there with his friends.

After whatever for we had to leave the house, we come home. He hates it normally. I prefer it. Immediately he asks "can I watch my shows?" Sometimes I say no and he says "can I play on my tablet?" And I usually give in. Luckily his tablet has a lot of educational games so it pacifies my concerns about too much screen time. (But really, I don't care right now about too much screen time) Maybe I have bags of stuff from the store to put away. So maybe I do that. If it's anything cold, that at least gets put away.

Then I sit on the couch and get on my phone to turn my brain off. He's watching his shows or on his tablet. I'm on my phone. Next to each other but in completely different worlds.

Sometimes I see posts about job availability and I think about how I used to always send him those posts.

Sometimes I see posts by his friends and I think about the memories of him and that friend. Or maybe I think about what they posted, and how he would react if here. Or maybe I think how he won't get that milestone. (2 friends recently got engaged. Another recently married - he had planned to be there for that wedding) Sometimes I have to leave the room because I'm crying.

Sometimes I see a post of a car accident and read that maybe there's a fatality, often people giving way too much identifying information and stupid opinions. I think of reading about his wreck, and reading it was a fatality, and a dark grey scion tc. I usually cry or get upset at those posts.

Sometimes I remember to feed Jason lunch. Actually, remember may be misleading. I should say, sometimes Jason tells me he's hungry. So I make him a sandwich, a cheese stick, and gummy fruit snacks. (And I don't care that it's not that healthy) Maybe lunch happens around 12 or 1. Maybe I remember to feed him around 3 or 4.

Sometimes I do chores. I hate cleaning the kitchen. No one else does it so maybe it sits for a couple days. But I get to wash things that we use that either 1) belonged to him and now don't, or 2) he used often in this kitchen when he cooked or baked for us. Laundry gets piled up so that it's an all day, or several day event, to wash. But it's also an excuse to not get dressed. To not leave the house.

I used to go over the bank account fairly often, and watched over our bills. Now I neglect those and only start paying attention when my card is declined. I had to borrow money against the headstone fund recently just to make sure bills got paid. They were already late and we had no money.

Often I have tech problems. Maybe my laptop has an issue or the printer. Maybe it's my phone. It causes me to think of Tony and how he always helped me with our tech issues. And how I now have to navigate it without him.

Steve usually comes home and I'm so ready for the day to be over. I feel exhausted and drained, yet I've done virtually nothing to cause this. Nothing has been set out for dinner, and I have no ideas what to make. So maybe I put hot dogs in some water to cook. Or pot pies in the oven. Maybe Steve tries to cook something that isn't instant. Often we eat sandwiches or go thru the fast food line. I rarely want to eat so unless something is made for all of us, Jason can get forgotten. Maybe Grace or Steve make sandwiches for themselves, but fail to think about Jason. I can't criticize because I forget to feed him lunch sometimes. Jason doesn't care too much, as long as he can have cheese sticks, gummy snacks, or whatever other snack that satisfies his need at the time, but totally ruins any set feelings or needs for "meal" time. (this sounds awful - like he doesn't get fed. He does. He snacks a LOT too because it's easier. But he does eat, hasn't gotten sick, or anything)

I stare at pictures of Tony we have in the living room. He is almost constantly right there in my mind.

We watch TV often in the evenings. A lot of shows were ones Tony and I (or us) watched together. It's bittersweet watching shows and knowing we can't discuss it, him and I. Sometimes it's movies. Even then, Tony loved movies and watched so many. But even if it wasn't something maybe I knew he had seen, maybe it's got a story line that features death. It really doesn't matter what triggers a memory or thought, because so many things do.

Grace may be home but most likely she's at work or church. So at some point she comes home. Then she wants to talk or show me things and I have to be patient and present. Maybe it's silly snap chats or she tells me something that happened. I have to laugh bc that's the appropriate thing. Sometimes she complains about church or work or band, and I honestly don't care. Where I might have gotten upset in the past, now I basically ignore it.

Mostly, no one really, truly, talks to one another. Keep it superficial. Keep it light. Don't fall apart. Hold it together.

Maybe Grace has an allergic reaction and has to go to the hospital. Maybe I think about her dying and having to lose her too.

Maybe she is late getting home and I worry she has been in a wreck and is dying or dead.

At some point we have to get Jason to bed. Did he get a bath tonight? Or this week? I don't know. Did he brush his teeth today? Or this week? Who knows? Did I?

So, as Steve, Jason and I lie in bed - my brain starts. They usually fall asleep fairly quickly. I cant. Not unless I have sleeping pills on board. (I'm out of them now) So I lay there, toss and turn, and think. Things I don't want to think about, yet the thoughts creep in anyway. I think about the car accident. Or maybe the police at my door. I can spend hours turning and tossing, tossing and turning, thinking about tony, crying almost every night, feeling such a deep, dark ache in my chest, or nauseated feeling in the pit of my stomach. Eventually I fall into a fitful sleep.

Sometimes I wake up, and then can't fall back asleep because the thoughts and memories take over. And it doesn't matter what memory or thought is keeping me awake. Or worrying me. Because I have a million or more.

I'm failing as a mother to my living children. I'm failing as a wife to my husband. I'm failing myself as an individual. And I'm failing God. I'm also failing Tony, because I don't think he wants us feeling like this. 

Yet......... here I am.

Forgotten

Do you ever feel alone or like your friends have forgotten about you, or your struggles? Or like no one understands? Well, wait til you have a child (or spouse from what I hear) die.

People don't know what to say - so they say nothing. They don't know what to do - so they do nothing. If you cry, they say things like "it's ok", "it will be ok", "don't worry", and "He's in a better place". People don't want to feel sad. So when you feel sad, they move away.

I don't go to church much. I usually get hugs or bombarded with "i miss you" or "it's good to see you". (That's good, right? That means I'm not forgotten, right? Except, the minute I leave church, I hear from no one. For weeks. Day after day.) But if I show sadness, I get scripture thrown at me - how scriptures tell us where he is, what he is doing, etc - and that should bring me comfort. Like, somehow, if I show sadness or grief - it's somehow tied inversely to my faith. Weak faith = grief and sadness. Strong faith = happiness and joy in the loved ones salvation. Well guess what? None of that is true! What is true? I can have a terrifically strong faith and still grieve deeply!! Why is that? Because I loved deeply! I loved hard! My heart ACHES deeply because I still love him and I MISS him! I miss him terribly! Not because I'm unaware of his salvation, or because I lack faith. But because, in my mortal form, this earthly state, my timeline is vastly different from beyond the veil. So each day seems an eternity without my son. I KNOW I will see him again. But that time frame I agonizing while I'm still here and he is not!

I post on facebook a lot. Maybe people feel like those virtual "(((hugs)))" and heart emojis somehow express their sympathy and I feel less alone. Except it doesn't work that way.

I feel like I'm left to mourn, alone. That no one cares enough to mourn with me. The emojis and (((hugs))), etc - they aren't real hugs. They aren't a friend just sitting next to me, even if nothing gets said. They aren't someone going through old photos with me, and laughing at the memories, or crying at the memories. They aren't helping me tackle laundry because all my energy involved getting out of bed and feeding my 3 year old. There isn't an EFFORT involved in those things.

The funny thing - someone I knew online, met in a group of similar interest, but didn't really KNOW - frequently sent me private messages. Maybe it was a silly heart emoji - but it was sent on her time, when she thought of me. Or maybe an inspirational thought or saying. Maybe just a note to say "hi, I'm thinking of you. You don't need to respond but just know I'm here." This lady I didn't really even know was a friend when my local friends were absent. She had so much on her plate, and it constantly astounds me to think of the time she took to send me messages often. She was an example to me.

Because you see, before I lost a child, I thought a Facebook comment was enough. I thought a hug when the person showed up on my world was enough. I didn't really make the effort to go into their world.

Now I know. Grief lingers. It stays for a long time. Maybe you know someone that died and it made you sad. Maybe you cried and felt lost. And then, after the funeral, you moved on. Maybe you thought of the person who passed frequently but maybe it didn't affect your life; your day to day activities. But someone intimately tied to that person - a parent, a spouse, a child - they lost something that is much harder with which to move forward. The grief stays with them. But the world kept spinning. People kept doing their day to day things. Maybe you were one of them. But someone, somewhere, struggled just to crawl out of bed; just to put a bite of food in their mouth; just to even get dressed.

And now, they are alone and feel forgotten.

(this is not to suggest, imply, outright state that there haven't been moments that I felt people cared. Someone from church left goodies for me, even a card and pampering gift on mothers day - because she herself knew the struggle and pain of that first mother's day. But that time seems to have passed and I'm left to mourn and grieve alone.)

Cross

We can't place a headstone for 6 to 9 months on average (maybe over a year with all the rain we've had). The cemetery places a tiny, flat grave marker. I hate it. I don't know how to "decorate" Tonys grave because his tastes were decidedly different than mine. But I hate seeing his grave. I did put a couple solar garden lights out there and a couple pinwheels. We also noticed friends would leave something and we wanted it to be protected from weather.

So I asked a neighbor, who has a woodworking / craft business, if they could make a cross. Something simple with his name and dates on it. I was willing to pay. But she offered to do it for free. She said they had the supplies already there.

It turned out great! And we bought a little waterproof box for friends to put things in, and attached it to the back. I bought a little cardinal pinwheel - because everyone says cardinals are visitors that have passed on. And I bought a purple/blue butterfly because that's Jason's favorite color. I wanted him to feel like something he liked was there. And we put a solar spotlight on it.