3 Month Heavenly Birthday

To you,  my son, 

Yesterday was 3 months to the day you passed from this life, to the next. I wonder what you are doing in heaven and I wonder if you miss us, or miss this life. There's so much we miss about you, but I wonder if it matters because you have moved to the next stage. So is it selfish to wish you were still here to show us a magic trick, bake a cake, fix my computer, tell us some new fun fact, show us math tricks, play with your brother or razz your sister?

Yesterday Jason and I bought some balloons and stopped by your grave.  I cry every time I'm there. I don't feel you when I'm there and it's just sad. Jason initially picked out a cars happy birthday balloon. It's kind of a birthday tho. Your 3 month heavenly birthday. He picked out a spiderman small balloon on a stick for him. But he decided on the way to the cemetery that he wanted the cars balloon. So we stuck the spiderman balloon stick in the ground. Jason and I talked about you and what we remember about you, and what we miss.

Jason says he's Bubba now. He says this often. Or he says he's a Bubba too. Sometimes it makes my heart hurt but it also makes me happy because he had a great example of a Bubba.

J was telling me not to cry, and I said "it's so hard because I miss Bubba so much". He said "it's so hard for me too". He asks so many questions. He said the white ford that is still sitting out here - "Bubba can drive the white car when he's not dead anymore".

 

We need to get a headstone one day for you (we have to wait 6 to 9 months for the dirt to settle). I don't know what to put on it. I wish I had something that just was so you - but you were so many things! A clue of what you'd like would be nice! ;-)

I bought Jason a bunch of new games to play at home. We used to love to play games as a family and it's hard now with just Grace, me and Dad. All our games are beyond Jason's level. And Candyland and Chutes & Ladders is frustrating to play. I think you'd like the games we bought him. I remember us having so I much fun playing games with you, so I want Jason to have fun family memories too. Grace even thought they were fun. Haha!

Jason is such a smart boy. He's always learning something new. In some ways he reminds me of Ashley. But in others, you. He's using a lot of math, but doesn't realize it. He makes shapes out of his cars. He knows what rhombus and trapezoid shapes are. I think you'd be really happy with that! Maybe he will be a math nut like you!

(J building a trapezoid with his cars)

He also has taken to playing "chef" and "restaurant". He likes to have customers tell him what they want to eat and then he makes is. It's really cute. I think I might give him one of your old chef coats.

Grace showed me a video the other day. She is getting very very talented with makeup and hair. She spends a lot of time watching makeup videos. Do you remember the movie Now You See Me? Well the 2nd one came out. So this video was a makeup artist, for the movie I think? Or promoting it. Not sure. Anyway, she was doing magic tricks w the makeup and her face (being made up). It sort of combined you and Grace! I thought you would really like it, even tho Dad says the magic tricks weren't great. Haha!

Finding Dory is out now. I can't remember if you wanted to see that. Jason is excited about it.

I worry about Grace. Her anaphylaxis is becoming more frequent and I wonder if it's stress induced. But we are having to increase and add medications. I fear often that we will lose her to this and I can't bear that.

Ashley has pushed me away again. It was expected, tho there wasn't a blowout this time. I really feel like even tho I birthed 4 children, I only have 2 left. It's hard on this mama's heart. I hope one day that Ashley can accept us, despite our political or religious or social differences. I hope we can one day put all the negative past behind us. Maybe you can help influence her? Or help me to find a better perspective, since you have a better eternal view than me now?

I think your friends are doing ok. They all got tattoos in your memory. Dad did too. I want one, even tho I know it's against the Gospel. But I don't know what I want, that would represent you or you and me. Any ideas? ;-) I don't hear from many friends but I follow them on social media. Jana got married. I know that you wanted to be there. Carolyn got engaged!! Imagine if you were here and rooming with carolyn! I'm excited for her, even tho I only met her once. Tristan and Ammie got married in the temple. Maybe you got to see that? I don't know. Austin took your puppy and named him Bubba I think. He shares pictures sometimes. Seems to be doing good.

Your cousin, Faith, graduated. She got accepted to Sam Houston State I think. Someplace in Huntsville anyway. Haha! I'm so excited for her! Grace finished 10th grade and also made drum line captain.

(Alex, Faith and Grace at Faith's graduation party)

We set up a scholarship in band in your name and Bowen made a spirit award too. So at the banquet, Ari Mancha got that. I guess yall knew each other?

Angie isn't doing so good. She seems to have left the church and moved in with a boyfriend. I wish you could somehow influence her. She was planning a mission. I don't know what happened.

It seems a lot has happened in 3 months, but also not a lot. I wonder what the 3 months feels like where you are. How does time pass there and what measurements are used? Who are you talking with and helping. You were always a helper so I know you are helping there too. I wonder if you miss us. Because you understand things differently now, I wonder if that's just a mortal, earthly emotion. Do you have regrets? Do you visit us? Or watch over us? I wonder about you all the time. I love you so much. I hope you still feel that.

Happy 3 month heavenly birthday Son.

Love, Mom