It's been awhile since I posted last. We have passed the 4 and 5 month marks - and I'm learning if I stay busy on those days, I don't focus on it as much. Thus, it's a little easier to get thru the day.
Jason and I went to a Grief Therapy program in Houston - a facility called Bo's Place. They have lots of therapy options but we attended an 8 week class called Little Friends (for ages 3-5). I'll make a separate post about that.
We had a family activity the other night - painting rocks (a local facebook group started this fun thing - where you paint rocks and leave them around town and people find them and keep or rehide them. Kinda like geocaching or pokemon go). So we all painted rocks (and found out Grace is PHENOMINAL at her art). We enjoyed our time doing it - and for the first time, I didn't feel extra sad that we were doing something Tony couldn't do with it. Maybe it was because it was an activity we had never done before with him. I'm not sure. But I went to bed that night almost feeling a little guilty - that I didn't feel sad. I had to recognize that this was a good thing. I still need to make memories with my kids and they don't need to always be overshadowed by sadness.
A couple months ago - I had a few dreams about Tony. I had begged and pleaded with God to let me dream of my son, to give me some message he was ok. I always read about people getting all these signs that Their loved one is ok. I haven't really gotten that. So I finally dreamed about him - and it wasn't reassuring. I may make a post about those dreams too.
I did end up having a day where 3 things happened that made me FINALLY feel he was telling me he is ok.
We are trying to plan a 21st birthday bash - a memorial birthday party. I need to get on the ball with that. We are also trying to organize his scholarship fund. (and everyone else is having birthdays too coming up - mine is next week, followed by Jason's 4th at the end of the month. Then in November is Grace and Steve's)
Grace wants to invite a friend over for Thanksgiving because she spent it alone last year and it looks like she will again this year. I told her it was fine - but to realize it may also be a hard day for us. I'm hopeful that having a friend over, and possibly going to my sister's, will keep us distracted enough to not focus on the empty seat.
In some ways, I feel the grief has gotten worse. But in therapy, I realized that it is possible I have moved from beyond that "shock" (where we still felt this was a joke, or that he would still walk thru the door) - to "acceptance". That's a hard stage. Accepting that my beautiful boy - this handsome young man so full of life - is now gone. It's very hard to look at pictures and not feel that grief. The pictures, for me, just show how much life he had.
But in some ways I think things are getting easier. Or rather, I've gotten stronger. I don't panic every time Grace leaves the house to drive somewhere. I don't panic every time she forgets to text me that she arrived ok. I can talk about Tony a little more often, without tears.
We are approaching the 6th month mark. Steve will be out of town at that time, and I'm not sure how to keep myself occupied. I dread this anniversary. To know half a year has passed - in a freaking blink of an eye - without hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hug, witnessing his vibrance. It's very difficult.
We are also experiencing facing death in a new way. Steve's mom had another heart attack and was hospitalized in July. This time there was enough damage that she has been placed on hospice. She is currently in a nursing home not far from here and Steve can visit every day. Jason and I go up about 3 or so times a week. But, for me at least, it brings up a lot of emotions about Tony and his death.
I had a neat message from a friend of Tony's. Her grandfather had passed away - and she wanted to know if I could help plan the funeral. She said funerals have always been sad, but Tony's wasn't. At first I was taken aback. But it was also a compliment. Because we really wanted that - for his friends to not have such a sad memory. I didn't help her plan it - but I did tell her the starting point we had for Tony. Who was he? What did he love? What kind of person was he? And how do we honor those memories? How do show others the beautiful person - without making it about our loss and grief?
Jason doesn't talk about Tony as often. He still includes him in the family (when he names people or draws pictures). I do wonder if almost 6 months is taking its toll on his memory. It makes me so so so sad to think about Jason not growing up with his fantastic older brother. I hope we can do a good job of keeping his memory alive.
I think Grace is struggling. And I think this is what we sort of expected. Marching Band is in full swing. Grace is a drum line leader. She's playing snare again this year. However, the percussion director has left and a new director came in, but he doesn't know percussion. So there is a lot of stress on her - both as a leader this year - and as a possible teacher since they don't have that. She had a breakdown the other night - crying and letting out all the stress and frustration with band and school. She doesn't talk about Tony much. Occasionally mentioning a memory but she never talks about his death. I am considering taking her to Bo's place after marching season - even if she doesn't want me to. Just to see if it helps her. I feel she needs to connect with other people, her age, that lost someone. But also - that are dealing with parents that are grieving. I think that might be the hardest for her - maybe she doesn't feel she can talk about it. Or maybe she feels like she isn't grieving correctly. I'm SO open with my grief, and Steve is stoic and rarely talks too. I worry a lot about her.
My faith is practically non-existant these days. I've lost faith mostly in the people in my ward as a source of strength. I need to put that aside and go to church for me. But my ward is a difficult one. Many people have left over the years and talked about how different it is elsewhere. I attend very occasionally with my mom at her ward. There's such a difference there for me. I feel, in a way, several of those members care more about me and my family and our grief - than my own ward. But I'm currently bitter and not really wanting to let go of that either. I need to find a place where I'm comfortable letting go of that grief. Mom is praying for me.
I guess that's pretty much what's happened since my last post.
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