More dreams and a thought

(I recorded these in my phone several months ago. I haven't really dreamed of Tony since. )

1. Someone trying to kill us. We escape the house and leave. Walking down a moderately busy divided road. Maybe driving. We realize we lost Jason somewhere along the way. We turn back. As we are headed back, a car pulls in a driveway near us. A man gets out with a gun. We race away. I think in a car now. Get back the house and someone is there with Jason. They hold a gun to me and a gun to him. I'm screaming "NO NO NO NO NO!" and "I'm so sorry Jason!" and "You'll see your Bubba real soon". Then I wake up. 

2. Dream repeats several times after I wake up and go back to sleep. Someone is killing people. And it's pretty instant. I remember hearing someone walk thru something wet - like wet carpet. Then they died. Or they touched a wall or counter or some object. And they died. I decided we have to leave. We try to leave and walk out. It's like it's dusk or just before. I look over our shoulder and I see feet and legs of a body collapsed. I realize the shoes are Grace's. I want to scream but I still have to get Jason safe. And I wake up. 

3. Feb 15. I dream about Grace staying home because of her ankle (which was actually happening). But Tony is here. His friends come over. I start out dreaming about my house being messy. (Simone is really coming over and I'm stressed about the house). I remember teasing him. He's kind of aloof, being "cool" with his friends. I go to brush my teeth and I think "this is the last day I get to see him." Then I correct myself "this is the last day I talk to him. yesterday was the last day I saw him". I found it odd that I was aware of the date, even if I had the month wrong in the dream. (I last saw Tony for real on March 14. I last talked with him on March 15). I remember feeling very stressed, that I didn't know how to change it so he came home. I was trying to put toothpaste on my toothbrush, but kept missing. I had toothpaste all over the side of my toothbrush. I was trying not to cry. Then I woke up. 

4. Dream is really vague. We were outside between destinations or buildings. I don't remember the purpose. We weren't camping. But going to different meetings. A space shuttle was low overhead and crashed. I kept trying to get to Steve to see it. But he just didn't - he would look and not see it. I tried calling 911, but no one actually answered. Then we are sitting down, like an outdoor cafe maybe. Also in line to order. Tony was there. He was very stressed out. He had turned a tablet in to the school when he quit his job. But there was still a pornographic picture on it, that he said someone else (Grace friend John, and others) put on it. He said he told them when he turned it in, or maybe when it happened. I don't remember. But he got a call to come into Friendswood tomorrow for a very special meeting and he was worried it had something to do with the tablet. I was scared for him. Worried about him being arrested. (in real life, Grace's friend John has a history, according to Grace, of watching porn. And in real life, Tony has a warrant because he died before he could complete a traffic court - despite sending in copies of his death certificate. I had gotten a letter about warrant roundups. I'm guessing my dream combined the 2). I work up with my heart racing and very very tense. 

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(Not a dream but posted in my phone's notepad on march 10, 2017)

Every time I think of Tony's date of death - march 16 - it brings me to the scripture John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son". 

I have often wondered what pain God felt, how difficult it was as a Father, to observe His Son, taking on all the sufferings of the world. 

I'm just......sad

Sometimes I go to group therapy and it's good. And sometimes it's.....not.

The good - sometimes it feels good to commiserate with other moms who struggle with the similar emotions and have experienced that horrific loss of a child (no matter the age or the cause). And often, as long as I can stay positive and focus on the good things - and not get down deep in my feelings - it's good.

The bad - getting in deep in the feels. This session was hard. Listening to one more - who's also lost a young adult child in a car wreck - and the substitute facilitator compare the lingering in the hospital before dying as more difficult than the sudden loss = HARD. Listening to her describe how her child was able to save 4 lives because of organ donation (when an out of hospital death exempts that) = hard.

Talking about mother's day. Jason wants to go to church - with Nana - so that starts at 1. So I get to go for 3 hours and listen to how great mom's are (mine is) and how great it is to be a mom (it is - but.....I have an empty spot where a child once stood). I get to listen to how great God is - and how prayers are answered - and.....whatever platitude they decide to share. Grace has to work. She has prom on Saturday, late night so she will probably sleep late, and get up in time to get ready for work. Steve may have to work. His job is throwing him extra work this weekend to help us out (and them) - to pay for my upcoming eye surgeries. I'm actually not upset about them having to work. Because then there's not all this pressure to feign happiness at the recognition of being a mom. I don't have to go out to eat (what Steve likes to do) and pretend life is great. I don't have to open gifts and pretend life is great because my family loves me. (or feel neglected if they don't give a gift at all). It can be a normal day (minus the church - and mothers/motherhood is grand). Jason and I can play outside or watch movies or play monopoly or minion trouble. And then when it's over, I can go to bed and wake up and it's Monday. And Mother's Day is over.

I often question where I'm at in the world. Am I valuable to anyone? I feel so angry and bitter and utterly depressed most days. I don't feel I bring any goodness to anyone. I feel like I'm in this deep, dark hole, all by myself, and the only one that could rescue me is my son. That isn't here anymore. I wish I could find more enjoyment out of my family that is still here. I wish I didn't feel guilty eveery time I laughed or did something fun. I wish I didn't look at the dining table and see only the chair he used to sit. I wish I didn't open a cabinet and see kitchenware that he used to own. That should still be in his kitchen, being used by him. I wish I didn't feel this melancholy recognition of him in every aspect of my environment. I wish the lump in my throat and the heaviness in my stomach would just stop. And I wonder if this is my so called "new normal"?

Poems

I wrote a couple poems (I used to write a lot - before I ever had kids. I don't claim these are well written or very good. But they are mine) a few days before the anniversary.
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Untitled (My Boy)

A baby was born

So helpless and small

Blond hair, blue eyes

Your parents, enthralled

A boy full of wonder

Zest for life and adventure

Testing boundaries, exploring

Never willing to surrender

A young man you became

Always learning, always growing

Laughter and games filled our home

Friendship and love you were bestowing

You were a friend to everyone

No stranger did you meet

Your heart was always giving

Even after it no longer beat

How can I define you?

Your essence? Your soul?

Simple words cannot describe you;

Still, that is my goal.

You lit up a room

All you needed was your smile

Never worried about yourself

Although you had many trials

You said math was your language

You loved puzzles and games

Music, computers, even baking

Loving friends just the same

Your family you held dear

Helping dad, sharing ideals

Come to visit, play and share

Helping mom cook family meals

Your sister, you were close

Love of music and marching band

Teasing each other, playing games

Full of love, no demands

For your brother, you were best buds

Racing cars and playing trains

The two of you, so much alike

Always loved to entertain

Do you know how much we care?
Do you know the grief we feel?
You left too soon, so tragically

The hole you left cannot be filled.

Grief, empty, sorrow, sadness

Words don’t do justice to the pain

But the world keeps on turning

We can’t wait to see you again.

Melanie Johnson

3-13-17

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Grief Undefined

A knock at the door

And a look out the glass

How could I have known

This day would be your last?

My balance thrown off

The world, it stopped spinning.

Or maybe, sped up

My ears won’t stop ringing

My heart ripped apart

Bleeding love and pouring sadness

All the words we’ll never speak

I can’t understand this madness!

My soul feels heavy

My mind overburdened

My feelings are all numb

My movement feels wooden

The world appears dark

The cloud of grief turns it grey

My faith and my God

I feel of them quite betrayed

Each day comes and goes

The clock tick tocking away

Time slowly passes on

My heart cries, wishing you’d stayed

I try to be brave

I try to be strong

But I plead with my God

“Why must I go on?”

The days have moved forward

The pain ne’er refined

My life forever altered

My grief undefined.

Melanie Johnson

3-13-17

Update, including 1 year

So it's been months and months since I've posted. I don't know why it's so hard for me. But it is what it is.

We started back at Bo's place in December with Grace this time. We went thru their 9 week group sessions and then at the end of March I think we moved over to the ongoing groups. It's helpful to talk to other moms who have lost a child. And for Grace I think to talk to other teens who have lost a sibling. Steve said he's always dealt with things on his own. But with the group - he learned that a lot of what he's feeling is normal among the other dads. So he found it helpful. He seems to really like the ongoing group best.

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March 16 came and went. The 1 year anniversary. We decided to make it a commemoration kinda day I guess. We asked everyone to wear red, and for everyone to do a random act of kindness. We had shirts made up for us as a family. We went to the cemetery and my mom actually met us there (unplanned). She brought flowers. Jason asked us to hold hands around the grave. J whispered then, "I miss you Bubba". My mom said she missed him too. Then he fell to his knees. I asked if he was ok and he said "I'm just really sad". We visited some more and then when we were leaving, Jason ran to the cross and hugged it. And said "Bye Bubba".

Prior to going to the cemetery, we went to the EMS, then the Fire Department, and finally the police department. We dropped off cards with angels inside and messages for them. We wanted to honor them and recognize the work they do, as well as the baggage with which they are often left.

We didn't do much else because Grace had to pack and head to youth conference. March 16 last year - she was just returning home from youth conference. It was a hard day. One thing that happened though - I received a card in the mail with 3 pictures of Tony from several years back. He was 15 I believe. It was a very sweet (and bittersweet) thing to receive.

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The biggest problem I've faced recently is my faith. I struggle to maintain a belief in God or that Tony is in heaven. That it's real and not just some idea to help us have comfort. It hasn't helped that my church family, for the most part, has left us alone to our own devices. I had asked a few times for leaders to please try to take Grace under their wings. Mostly b/c I felt I was struggling with my own demons and issues - it was hard to stand - that I felt I needed their help to support grace. Instead, it never happened and I was made to feel ridiculous for even asking - and the girls in youth pretty much ostracized her. We started occasionally attending other wards (The mormon church congregations are divided geographically and you are assigned a ward, or church family, to attend based on where you live. You can attend any ward - but your records, and any ability to serve, is tied to your ward). Partly with my mom and partly with other girls she was friends with. It's been interesting to hear how the leaders in THOSE wards still reach out to her and check in with her.

I've been lucky I guess but there's been a couple women in my ward who reach out. One lost her own child many years ago. She has such a sweet and tender heart. The other has been a friend for many years. She is who sent me the pics of Tony that arrived on the 16th. She has sent me several cards or notes over the last year.

But overall - I feel very forgotten. It's very well documented that significant loss can really impact one's faith and belief system - and it seems like it's a time when a church family should buoy up one who is at risk for drowning. 2 years ago I was released from serving in the young women program. Prior to that calling - I hadn't served for 3 years. I prayed often, attended my meetings, spoke to my leaders - and was given multiple excuses why they didn't want to burden me with a calling. We are also told that God calls those that want to serve. So this time, after I was released, I prayed. I sort of 'doubled down" in my efforts with scripture study and prayer. I volunteered a few times to help out in nursery when the nursery leader asked. I offered, and took meals to a couple people in need. I've tried to reach out as best I could to those that had health issues or struggled thru their own problems or loss. At holidays and other times, I sent messages to various friends that had lost someone and were going thru their own first holidays. I didn't want them to feel forgotten on difficult days. I attended church less, because it was difficult. Some days it's difficult to even get dressed. Regardless, after I was released and through this time, I have no calling. Recently I searched church talks/conferences/messages online - on how to stay faithful and be strong in the lack of a calling. And guess what? I could find NO articles/talks on not having a calling. But a significant amount of talks on the importance of serving, how to fulfill callings, why we should serve, etc etc etc. So yay. I feel like I just take up space at church and serve no real purpose.

Also, the mormon church assigns home teachers to sort of care take each member family. Prior to Tony's death, our home teacher was faithful - visiting every month. For a few years. In the last year - maybe 4 times total. I feel like our family doesn't matter. I have been told that all families have struggles and problems, not just me/us. Which I understand - but if a family or member specifically asks for help or ministering, why should they be told they are basically unimportant? That's how it feels anyway. And the crux of it all - my daughter has fallen away, like me. I bear the responsibility of that to a major degree. But it's also a huge reason why I question God. Why would he leave me to flounder all alone? Why would my requests for help be consistently rebuffed? I prayed often for help, for someone to help. And in return, my daughter has all but left her beliefs behind, and I'm left questioning what I ever believed.

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Since the year/milestone has passed, the time, the grief, has gotten stronger and more difficult. In some ways - easier. Maybe that's what it means when people say "it gets easier with time" - b/c i can laugh a little easier, less guilt anyway, or go to the store without a breakdown. But the missing him - the sadness - the constant ache - it's all worse. I know I have depression and need 1 on 1 counseling to help me through it - but $ is tight and no insurance coverage. So I suffer through. But it just seems the world is very dim without Tony  in it. 2017 was a difficult transition b/c it is the first year in that Tony didn't spend time. My anxiety is awful. I sleep terribly but even if I do sleep - I wake up often from nightmares or anxiety. My heart races. I have this constant ache in my stomach - like waiting for something bad to happen. I've always been an introvert and would avoid social situations - but it's worse now. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Sometimes, the cry just falls out. Completely unexpected - no notice to try to grab hold of it. But most days, I just stuff the grief down deep. And plaster a smile on - for my family. For my friends. For anyone else I encounter. Grief makes everyone really uncomfortable and it doesn't help me at all to let it out - and then have everyone else feel awkward. So I just put my mask on and go about the day - praying it doesn't slip and let anyone see what's behind.

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Holidays

Halloween. Jason wanted to be a ghost - which is super easy and I was thankful for that. I didn't have the emotional capacity to have something complex to do. I remember last Halloween though. Jason was Clark Kent - wearing a white shirt and glasses and slicked back hair. He had a super man t-shirt underneath. Tony didn't go out with us. As a matter of fact, I had spent most of the day texting him on and off - with no response. As a mom, I always worry about my kids. And Tony had had a few car accidents and it scared me. Plus, living on his own, I worried all the time about his health and wellbeing. In the later part of the evening - we reached out to Austin, his best friend, to see if they were together or if he had heard from Tony. He hadn't. So Steve and I drove over there. Lo and behold - in the parking lot, we see Austin. He's beat us there. And it seemed suspicious, but they assured us it wasn't. Ha! Well, Tony had slept most of the day and never heard his phone. I was ready to wring his neck for worrying me like that! He later apologized.

I wished often that Tony could see his brother dressed up. Jason had no fear going to knock on doors or tell people trick or treat - and thank you! We stopped by IHop afterwards for hot chocolate and some dinner.

Thanksgiving - we held it at my sister's. Normally we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas - one at our house and one at hers. Tony LOVED to cook - so he was always busy baking pies or making cookies or creating dishes to eat, like his bacon wrapped green beans. My sister handled all the food. We brought pumpkin pie and I think that was it. Steve normally makes devilled eggs but Stephen and Alex (brother in law and niece) were doing those this year. And Alex made an apple pie in memory of Tony, b/c he liked making one from scratch. We spent a lot of time visiting and eating. Grace brought a friend - who would have otherwise spent the holiday alone. We got to meet Faith's boyfriend - and I think Tony would have liked him. Tyler visited for a short time before he had work and then went to his girlfriend's house. There was an empty chair at the table in memory of Tony.

Last Thanksgiving, my sister and brother in law had to travel to Iowa for some emergent but messy family business. So Alex, who was 11 at the time, stayed here. We hoped her and Grace would have time together but their interests are so different. We did play family games and Telestrations was a blast with Alex. But the most fun she had - was spending time with Tony. Tony had gotten addicted again to wuffriddles (something like that) - that he did ages ago with our oldest. So he had started it back up and got Alex hooked on it too! And they would spend hours doing that - or talking about different things. Tony became her favorite cousin. He loved the things he loved and had a way of making most anyone interested. And he was great at making others feel loved and welcome.

Christmas. Shopping has been a nightmare and a distraction - all rolled into one. We bought a little memorial tree - it's white, about 2' tall. And we decorated with red lights, red beads and ornaments. We put a couple ornaments from Tony as a child on the tree. I also bought an ornament - mixing spoon and whisk - that reminded me of Tony and his love of cooking/baking. I also placed a small red tree at the cemetery with a couple ornaments. Buying gifts for the kids is hard because I loved to do that for them. And I LOVED going to Kenneth Cole and buying him a new tie or shirt and vest (he loved dressing up) or buying him a sarcastic or retro tee from Target. Last year I bought him a convection oven because he thought he would get more use out of that, than a microwave. Plus a few other kitchen goodies for his apartment that he had asked for. This year, I don't have him to buy for and it's painful. I did buy a little puzzle and some skittles to put in his stocking because I can't bear the thought of it remaining empty.

Christmas Eve we went to my sisters house and it was fun. The kids had a good time. My sister had an empty chair for Tony. It was good to see my nieces and nephew and my family. But it was hard. Last Christmas was the last time my sister saw Tony.

Christmas Day we stayed at home - opened gifts, played, cooked. Tried to be positive for the kiddos. By the end of the day I was exhausted tho.

It's been 5 months almost now and this was a saved draft. I'm not sure why I didn't come back to edit it and publish. I think about writing all the time. I just don't usually do it.

Anyway - our first holidays - we survived I guess. It was difficult and Tony's absence was definitely noticed.