We started back at Bo's place in December with Grace this time. We went thru their 9 week group sessions and then at the end of March I think we moved over to the ongoing groups. It's helpful to talk to other moms who have lost a child. And for Grace I think to talk to other teens who have lost a sibling. Steve said he's always dealt with things on his own. But with the group - he learned that a lot of what he's feeling is normal among the other dads. So he found it helpful. He seems to really like the ongoing group best.
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March 16 came and went. The 1 year anniversary. We decided to make it a commemoration kinda day I guess. We asked everyone to wear red, and for everyone to do a random act of kindness. We had shirts made up for us as a family. We went to the cemetery and my mom actually met us there (unplanned). She brought flowers. Jason asked us to hold hands around the grave. J whispered then, "I miss you Bubba". My mom said she missed him too. Then he fell to his knees. I asked if he was ok and he said "I'm just really sad". We visited some more and then when we were leaving, Jason ran to the cross and hugged it. And said "Bye Bubba".
Prior to going to the cemetery, we went to the EMS, then the Fire Department, and finally the police department. We dropped off cards with angels inside and messages for them. We wanted to honor them and recognize the work they do, as well as the baggage with which they are often left.
We didn't do much else because Grace had to pack and head to youth conference. March 16 last year - she was just returning home from youth conference. It was a hard day. One thing that happened though - I received a card in the mail with 3 pictures of Tony from several years back. He was 15 I believe. It was a very sweet (and bittersweet) thing to receive.
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The biggest problem I've faced recently is my faith. I struggle to maintain a belief in God or that Tony is in heaven. That it's real and not just some idea to help us have comfort. It hasn't helped that my church family, for the most part, has left us alone to our own devices. I had asked a few times for leaders to please try to take Grace under their wings. Mostly b/c I felt I was struggling with my own demons and issues - it was hard to stand - that I felt I needed their help to support grace. Instead, it never happened and I was made to feel ridiculous for even asking - and the girls in youth pretty much ostracized her. We started occasionally attending other wards (The mormon church congregations are divided geographically and you are assigned a ward, or church family, to attend based on where you live. You can attend any ward - but your records, and any ability to serve, is tied to your ward). Partly with my mom and partly with other girls she was friends with. It's been interesting to hear how the leaders in THOSE wards still reach out to her and check in with her.
I've been lucky I guess but there's been a couple women in my ward who reach out. One lost her own child many years ago. She has such a sweet and tender heart. The other has been a friend for many years. She is who sent me the pics of Tony that arrived on the 16th. She has sent me several cards or notes over the last year.
But overall - I feel very forgotten. It's very well documented that significant loss can really impact one's faith and belief system - and it seems like it's a time when a church family should buoy up one who is at risk for drowning. 2 years ago I was released from serving in the young women program. Prior to that calling - I hadn't served for 3 years. I prayed often, attended my meetings, spoke to my leaders - and was given multiple excuses why they didn't want to burden me with a calling. We are also told that God calls those that want to serve. So this time, after I was released, I prayed. I sort of 'doubled down" in my efforts with scripture study and prayer. I volunteered a few times to help out in nursery when the nursery leader asked. I offered, and took meals to a couple people in need. I've tried to reach out as best I could to those that had health issues or struggled thru their own problems or loss. At holidays and other times, I sent messages to various friends that had lost someone and were going thru their own first holidays. I didn't want them to feel forgotten on difficult days. I attended church less, because it was difficult. Some days it's difficult to even get dressed. Regardless, after I was released and through this time, I have no calling. Recently I searched church talks/conferences/messages online - on how to stay faithful and be strong in the lack of a calling. And guess what? I could find NO articles/talks on not having a calling. But a significant amount of talks on the importance of serving, how to fulfill callings, why we should serve, etc etc etc. So yay. I feel like I just take up space at church and serve no real purpose.
Also, the mormon church assigns home teachers to sort of care take each member family. Prior to Tony's death, our home teacher was faithful - visiting every month. For a few years. In the last year - maybe 4 times total. I feel like our family doesn't matter. I have been told that all families have struggles and problems, not just me/us. Which I understand - but if a family or member specifically asks for help or ministering, why should they be told they are basically unimportant? That's how it feels anyway. And the crux of it all - my daughter has fallen away, like me. I bear the responsibility of that to a major degree. But it's also a huge reason why I question God. Why would he leave me to flounder all alone? Why would my requests for help be consistently rebuffed? I prayed often for help, for someone to help. And in return, my daughter has all but left her beliefs behind, and I'm left questioning what I ever believed.
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Since the year/milestone has passed, the time, the grief, has gotten stronger and more difficult. In some ways - easier. Maybe that's what it means when people say "it gets easier with time" - b/c i can laugh a little easier, less guilt anyway, or go to the store without a breakdown. But the missing him - the sadness - the constant ache - it's all worse. I know I have depression and need 1 on 1 counseling to help me through it - but $ is tight and no insurance coverage. So I suffer through. But it just seems the world is very dim without Tony in it. 2017 was a difficult transition b/c it is the first year in that Tony didn't spend time. My anxiety is awful. I sleep terribly but even if I do sleep - I wake up often from nightmares or anxiety. My heart races. I have this constant ache in my stomach - like waiting for something bad to happen. I've always been an introvert and would avoid social situations - but it's worse now. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Sometimes, the cry just falls out. Completely unexpected - no notice to try to grab hold of it. But most days, I just stuff the grief down deep. And plaster a smile on - for my family. For my friends. For anyone else I encounter. Grief makes everyone really uncomfortable and it doesn't help me at all to let it out - and then have everyone else feel awkward. So I just put my mask on and go about the day - praying it doesn't slip and let anyone see what's behind.
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