Holidays

Halloween. Jason wanted to be a ghost - which is super easy and I was thankful for that. I didn't have the emotional capacity to have something complex to do. I remember last Halloween though. Jason was Clark Kent - wearing a white shirt and glasses and slicked back hair. He had a super man t-shirt underneath. Tony didn't go out with us. As a matter of fact, I had spent most of the day texting him on and off - with no response. As a mom, I always worry about my kids. And Tony had had a few car accidents and it scared me. Plus, living on his own, I worried all the time about his health and wellbeing. In the later part of the evening - we reached out to Austin, his best friend, to see if they were together or if he had heard from Tony. He hadn't. So Steve and I drove over there. Lo and behold - in the parking lot, we see Austin. He's beat us there. And it seemed suspicious, but they assured us it wasn't. Ha! Well, Tony had slept most of the day and never heard his phone. I was ready to wring his neck for worrying me like that! He later apologized.

I wished often that Tony could see his brother dressed up. Jason had no fear going to knock on doors or tell people trick or treat - and thank you! We stopped by IHop afterwards for hot chocolate and some dinner.

Thanksgiving - we held it at my sister's. Normally we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas - one at our house and one at hers. Tony LOVED to cook - so he was always busy baking pies or making cookies or creating dishes to eat, like his bacon wrapped green beans. My sister handled all the food. We brought pumpkin pie and I think that was it. Steve normally makes devilled eggs but Stephen and Alex (brother in law and niece) were doing those this year. And Alex made an apple pie in memory of Tony, b/c he liked making one from scratch. We spent a lot of time visiting and eating. Grace brought a friend - who would have otherwise spent the holiday alone. We got to meet Faith's boyfriend - and I think Tony would have liked him. Tyler visited for a short time before he had work and then went to his girlfriend's house. There was an empty chair at the table in memory of Tony.

Last Thanksgiving, my sister and brother in law had to travel to Iowa for some emergent but messy family business. So Alex, who was 11 at the time, stayed here. We hoped her and Grace would have time together but their interests are so different. We did play family games and Telestrations was a blast with Alex. But the most fun she had - was spending time with Tony. Tony had gotten addicted again to wuffriddles (something like that) - that he did ages ago with our oldest. So he had started it back up and got Alex hooked on it too! And they would spend hours doing that - or talking about different things. Tony became her favorite cousin. He loved the things he loved and had a way of making most anyone interested. And he was great at making others feel loved and welcome.

Christmas. Shopping has been a nightmare and a distraction - all rolled into one. We bought a little memorial tree - it's white, about 2' tall. And we decorated with red lights, red beads and ornaments. We put a couple ornaments from Tony as a child on the tree. I also bought an ornament - mixing spoon and whisk - that reminded me of Tony and his love of cooking/baking. I also placed a small red tree at the cemetery with a couple ornaments. Buying gifts for the kids is hard because I loved to do that for them. And I LOVED going to Kenneth Cole and buying him a new tie or shirt and vest (he loved dressing up) or buying him a sarcastic or retro tee from Target. Last year I bought him a convection oven because he thought he would get more use out of that, than a microwave. Plus a few other kitchen goodies for his apartment that he had asked for. This year, I don't have him to buy for and it's painful. I did buy a little puzzle and some skittles to put in his stocking because I can't bear the thought of it remaining empty.

Christmas Eve we went to my sisters house and it was fun. The kids had a good time. My sister had an empty chair for Tony. It was good to see my nieces and nephew and my family. But it was hard. Last Christmas was the last time my sister saw Tony.

Christmas Day we stayed at home - opened gifts, played, cooked. Tried to be positive for the kiddos. By the end of the day I was exhausted tho.

It's been 5 months almost now and this was a saved draft. I'm not sure why I didn't come back to edit it and publish. I think about writing all the time. I just don't usually do it.

Anyway - our first holidays - we survived I guess. It was difficult and Tony's absence was definitely noticed.