A little boy in our town has died. He drowned in his grandparents pool. An example of how tragic life can be at times, despite how much love we have to offer. My heart aches for these parents. For this mom. Her heart now missing a piece - as it traveled to heaved with him.
I don't know why I'm so drawn to situations like this. I see car wreck posts and it sucks me in, Especially if there's a fatality. I guess partly because I don't want someone else finding out like me. But - I think I'm still looking for a connection, to feel less alone.
I see other families lose their children. I remember a boy last year that was accidentally shot by a friend. 15 years old. Another that was fishing and got accidentally electrocuted by an unknown downed power line. He was 19. This little boy. 2 years old.
I've talked with other moms online. From my community. I don't know why I let myself get sucked in. Like I see out these online posts, these stories. I don't intentionally do that. But I think - I just .... want to offer comfort. For them to know they aren't alone. That others have walked this awful path.
But mostly.....I think I want to feel less alone. To feel recognized. For someone to see me. Not my outward appearance or physical self. But to SEE me. To say "I see you. I recognize you as a mother with a broken heart. A piece of your heart is missing. I see that. I recognize you in me. You are not alone."
But in reality, what do I have to offer another? My grief is unique. My pain is my own. Her pain will be her own. We have all walked this path - this unknown, awful road - of losing a child. Yet.....every step we take is uncharted. None have gone before. This is not a well beaten path. It has had thousands, if not millions, of mothers and fathers walk it before. Yet, it is also unwalked. Untouched by others. Rugged. I do not place my foot in the spot another's has stepped. But I step in a new, overgrown, thorny, gnarled up spot. I am not alone. Yet, I am utterly alone at the same time. I must forge my own way.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Therapy update
We started Bo's Place in December with Grace. She had started showing some red flags with dealing with things so Steve and I decided we needed to go. She joined the teen group for their LIGHT (9 week class) and we each joined our respective moms/dads groups. It went pretty well. Had some interesting projects. Some stories put things in perspective too that it could always be worse. Steve was able to feel like he wasn't alone in a lot of his thoughts and feelings. Grace struggled w/ the teen group - she hated doing the "baby" activities (the same activities the little kids were doing) and it wasn't a big group. It was pretty small. And she was the oldest I think.
So after the 9 week program ended in March, I was surprised that she asked to go on to the "ongoing" program. So we signed up and attend on 2/4 Wednesdays each month. We started on the last week in April. I was surprised again - when after the 1st week, Grace asked for the following 3 weeks to not go. I guess it was the 4th week though that the teen group really embraced her and she made friends. They snapchat together and I guess follow each other on various social media. Now she is excited.
I had one week where I didn't want to go - because Jason was in swim lessons and I didn't want to burden mom with having to go and take him back home. Plus moving the car seat - such a pain. When I brought up not going - Grace said "well, dad and I can still go". That was a big clue to me that she had found friends. I was a little worried again when 2 of the friends graduated and were moving away for college and military. But the next time therapy came around, no complaints and she went right back to the teens and goofing off and being silly.
I've struggled a couple times with ongoing. Its always hard to find your fit into a new group. I'm such an introvert anyway. But a lot of the moms have a different situation than me. That's that they all lost their children in the hospital. Whether thru cancer or accidents or something else - they all were in the hospital. Whereas we lost Tony immediately. I never got to say goodbye or hold his warm hand or anything. I'm not saying their situation was easier by any stretch of my imagination. It is just different. One night, at therapy, we had a substitute facilitator (who oversees the group and sort of keeps things moving). She was talking with one mom who was talking about the lingering in the hospital - and the facilitator said she thinks that's harder than instant death. That immediately isolated me and made my grief feel invalidated. I realize she's human, and a volunteer to boot. And had she realized that her words made me feel that way, she would have regretted them. But it made me not want to go back.
But I did go back. This summer now, we are paired with the other 2/4 moms group as well as 1/3 wednesday group (tho, this week, there wasn't anyone from that group). The other 2/4 moms group - there were 3 of them. All lost their children in 2013 or 2014, so they have been together for a very long time. I questioned at one time (previously) - why there are 2 different moms groups but only 1 dad group. I knew most of their stories b/c steve had heard them. He really likes the other dads. But I hadn't really met any of the moms. So it was nice to meet them and hear (more of) their stories. But man, they like to talk! They have been together for so long and know so much about each other - it was kind of like sitting at the same table for lunch - but you are an outsider and everyone else is tight knit. It felt like I (we??) was a 3rd wheel to their group. But then, our 2/4 group is normally pretty quiet. There is a LOT of gaps in conversation and it can be awkward. I know 2 or 3 moms don't like to talk about their situations. So maybe that's why. I end up normally talking, I feel like, a lot - because I feel awkward with the silence. So I talk. But this past week I didn't - b/c I felt like an outsider. I'm so not a social person tho. So maybe that's why.
We'll continue with therapy through July - then Bo's Place takes a break in August. In September, we will start back up (hopefully with Grace -but I guess depends on work and marching band) and take Jason. He'll be old enough to go. I don't know that he really needs help with grief, like he did when it first happened. But I want him to participate and find a way to keep Bubba alive for him - or close to his heart. They have lots of free camps and activities too that I think would be really fun for him.
So after the 9 week program ended in March, I was surprised that she asked to go on to the "ongoing" program. So we signed up and attend on 2/4 Wednesdays each month. We started on the last week in April. I was surprised again - when after the 1st week, Grace asked for the following 3 weeks to not go. I guess it was the 4th week though that the teen group really embraced her and she made friends. They snapchat together and I guess follow each other on various social media. Now she is excited.
I had one week where I didn't want to go - because Jason was in swim lessons and I didn't want to burden mom with having to go and take him back home. Plus moving the car seat - such a pain. When I brought up not going - Grace said "well, dad and I can still go". That was a big clue to me that she had found friends. I was a little worried again when 2 of the friends graduated and were moving away for college and military. But the next time therapy came around, no complaints and she went right back to the teens and goofing off and being silly.
I've struggled a couple times with ongoing. Its always hard to find your fit into a new group. I'm such an introvert anyway. But a lot of the moms have a different situation than me. That's that they all lost their children in the hospital. Whether thru cancer or accidents or something else - they all were in the hospital. Whereas we lost Tony immediately. I never got to say goodbye or hold his warm hand or anything. I'm not saying their situation was easier by any stretch of my imagination. It is just different. One night, at therapy, we had a substitute facilitator (who oversees the group and sort of keeps things moving). She was talking with one mom who was talking about the lingering in the hospital - and the facilitator said she thinks that's harder than instant death. That immediately isolated me and made my grief feel invalidated. I realize she's human, and a volunteer to boot. And had she realized that her words made me feel that way, she would have regretted them. But it made me not want to go back.
But I did go back. This summer now, we are paired with the other 2/4 moms group as well as 1/3 wednesday group (tho, this week, there wasn't anyone from that group). The other 2/4 moms group - there were 3 of them. All lost their children in 2013 or 2014, so they have been together for a very long time. I questioned at one time (previously) - why there are 2 different moms groups but only 1 dad group. I knew most of their stories b/c steve had heard them. He really likes the other dads. But I hadn't really met any of the moms. So it was nice to meet them and hear (more of) their stories. But man, they like to talk! They have been together for so long and know so much about each other - it was kind of like sitting at the same table for lunch - but you are an outsider and everyone else is tight knit. It felt like I (we??) was a 3rd wheel to their group. But then, our 2/4 group is normally pretty quiet. There is a LOT of gaps in conversation and it can be awkward. I know 2 or 3 moms don't like to talk about their situations. So maybe that's why. I end up normally talking, I feel like, a lot - because I feel awkward with the silence. So I talk. But this past week I didn't - b/c I felt like an outsider. I'm so not a social person tho. So maybe that's why.
We'll continue with therapy through July - then Bo's Place takes a break in August. In September, we will start back up (hopefully with Grace -but I guess depends on work and marching band) and take Jason. He'll be old enough to go. I don't know that he really needs help with grief, like he did when it first happened. But I want him to participate and find a way to keep Bubba alive for him - or close to his heart. They have lots of free camps and activities too that I think would be really fun for him.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
More dreams and a thought
(I recorded these in my phone several months ago. I haven't really dreamed of Tony since. )
1. Someone trying to kill us. We escape the house and leave. Walking down a moderately busy divided road. Maybe driving. We realize we lost Jason somewhere along the way. We turn back. As we are headed back, a car pulls in a driveway near us. A man gets out with a gun. We race away. I think in a car now. Get back the house and someone is there with Jason. They hold a gun to me and a gun to him. I'm screaming "NO NO NO NO NO!" and "I'm so sorry Jason!" and "You'll see your Bubba real soon". Then I wake up.
2. Dream repeats several times after I wake up and go back to sleep. Someone is killing people. And it's pretty instant. I remember hearing someone walk thru something wet - like wet carpet. Then they died. Or they touched a wall or counter or some object. And they died. I decided we have to leave. We try to leave and walk out. It's like it's dusk or just before. I look over our shoulder and I see feet and legs of a body collapsed. I realize the shoes are Grace's. I want to scream but I still have to get Jason safe. And I wake up.
3. Feb 15. I dream about Grace staying home because of her ankle (which was actually happening). But Tony is here. His friends come over. I start out dreaming about my house being messy. (Simone is really coming over and I'm stressed about the house). I remember teasing him. He's kind of aloof, being "cool" with his friends. I go to brush my teeth and I think "this is the last day I get to see him." Then I correct myself "this is the last day I talk to him. yesterday was the last day I saw him". I found it odd that I was aware of the date, even if I had the month wrong in the dream. (I last saw Tony for real on March 14. I last talked with him on March 15). I remember feeling very stressed, that I didn't know how to change it so he came home. I was trying to put toothpaste on my toothbrush, but kept missing. I had toothpaste all over the side of my toothbrush. I was trying not to cry. Then I woke up.
4. Dream is really vague. We were outside between destinations or buildings. I don't remember the purpose. We weren't camping. But going to different meetings. A space shuttle was low overhead and crashed. I kept trying to get to Steve to see it. But he just didn't - he would look and not see it. I tried calling 911, but no one actually answered. Then we are sitting down, like an outdoor cafe maybe. Also in line to order. Tony was there. He was very stressed out. He had turned a tablet in to the school when he quit his job. But there was still a pornographic picture on it, that he said someone else (Grace friend John, and others) put on it. He said he told them when he turned it in, or maybe when it happened. I don't remember. But he got a call to come into Friendswood tomorrow for a very special meeting and he was worried it had something to do with the tablet. I was scared for him. Worried about him being arrested. (in real life, Grace's friend John has a history, according to Grace, of watching porn. And in real life, Tony has a warrant because he died before he could complete a traffic court - despite sending in copies of his death certificate. I had gotten a letter about warrant roundups. I'm guessing my dream combined the 2). I work up with my heart racing and very very tense.
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(Not a dream but posted in my phone's notepad on march 10, 2017)
Every time I think of Tony's date of death - march 16 - it brings me to the scripture John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son".
I have often wondered what pain God felt, how difficult it was as a Father, to observe His Son, taking on all the sufferings of the world.
I'm just......sad
Sometimes I go to group therapy and it's good. And sometimes it's.....not.
The good - sometimes it feels good to commiserate with other moms who struggle with the similar emotions and have experienced that horrific loss of a child (no matter the age or the cause). And often, as long as I can stay positive and focus on the good things - and not get down deep in my feelings - it's good.
The bad - getting in deep in the feels. This session was hard. Listening to one more - who's also lost a young adult child in a car wreck - and the substitute facilitator compare the lingering in the hospital before dying as more difficult than the sudden loss = HARD. Listening to her describe how her child was able to save 4 lives because of organ donation (when an out of hospital death exempts that) = hard.
Talking about mother's day. Jason wants to go to church - with Nana - so that starts at 1. So I get to go for 3 hours and listen to how great mom's are (mine is) and how great it is to be a mom (it is - but.....I have an empty spot where a child once stood). I get to listen to how great God is - and how prayers are answered - and.....whatever platitude they decide to share. Grace has to work. She has prom on Saturday, late night so she will probably sleep late, and get up in time to get ready for work. Steve may have to work. His job is throwing him extra work this weekend to help us out (and them) - to pay for my upcoming eye surgeries. I'm actually not upset about them having to work. Because then there's not all this pressure to feign happiness at the recognition of being a mom. I don't have to go out to eat (what Steve likes to do) and pretend life is great. I don't have to open gifts and pretend life is great because my family loves me. (or feel neglected if they don't give a gift at all). It can be a normal day (minus the church - and mothers/motherhood is grand). Jason and I can play outside or watch movies or play monopoly or minion trouble. And then when it's over, I can go to bed and wake up and it's Monday. And Mother's Day is over.
I often question where I'm at in the world. Am I valuable to anyone? I feel so angry and bitter and utterly depressed most days. I don't feel I bring any goodness to anyone. I feel like I'm in this deep, dark hole, all by myself, and the only one that could rescue me is my son. That isn't here anymore. I wish I could find more enjoyment out of my family that is still here. I wish I didn't feel guilty eveery time I laughed or did something fun. I wish I didn't look at the dining table and see only the chair he used to sit. I wish I didn't open a cabinet and see kitchenware that he used to own. That should still be in his kitchen, being used by him. I wish I didn't feel this melancholy recognition of him in every aspect of my environment. I wish the lump in my throat and the heaviness in my stomach would just stop. And I wonder if this is my so called "new normal"?
The good - sometimes it feels good to commiserate with other moms who struggle with the similar emotions and have experienced that horrific loss of a child (no matter the age or the cause). And often, as long as I can stay positive and focus on the good things - and not get down deep in my feelings - it's good.
The bad - getting in deep in the feels. This session was hard. Listening to one more - who's also lost a young adult child in a car wreck - and the substitute facilitator compare the lingering in the hospital before dying as more difficult than the sudden loss = HARD. Listening to her describe how her child was able to save 4 lives because of organ donation (when an out of hospital death exempts that) = hard.
Talking about mother's day. Jason wants to go to church - with Nana - so that starts at 1. So I get to go for 3 hours and listen to how great mom's are (mine is) and how great it is to be a mom (it is - but.....I have an empty spot where a child once stood). I get to listen to how great God is - and how prayers are answered - and.....whatever platitude they decide to share. Grace has to work. She has prom on Saturday, late night so she will probably sleep late, and get up in time to get ready for work. Steve may have to work. His job is throwing him extra work this weekend to help us out (and them) - to pay for my upcoming eye surgeries. I'm actually not upset about them having to work. Because then there's not all this pressure to feign happiness at the recognition of being a mom. I don't have to go out to eat (what Steve likes to do) and pretend life is great. I don't have to open gifts and pretend life is great because my family loves me. (or feel neglected if they don't give a gift at all). It can be a normal day (minus the church - and mothers/motherhood is grand). Jason and I can play outside or watch movies or play monopoly or minion trouble. And then when it's over, I can go to bed and wake up and it's Monday. And Mother's Day is over.
I often question where I'm at in the world. Am I valuable to anyone? I feel so angry and bitter and utterly depressed most days. I don't feel I bring any goodness to anyone. I feel like I'm in this deep, dark hole, all by myself, and the only one that could rescue me is my son. That isn't here anymore. I wish I could find more enjoyment out of my family that is still here. I wish I didn't feel guilty eveery time I laughed or did something fun. I wish I didn't look at the dining table and see only the chair he used to sit. I wish I didn't open a cabinet and see kitchenware that he used to own. That should still be in his kitchen, being used by him. I wish I didn't feel this melancholy recognition of him in every aspect of my environment. I wish the lump in my throat and the heaviness in my stomach would just stop. And I wonder if this is my so called "new normal"?
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Poems
I wrote a couple poems (I used to write a lot - before I ever had kids. I don't claim these are well written or very good. But they are mine) a few days before the anniversary.
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Untitled (My Boy)
A baby was born
So helpless and small
Blond hair, blue eyes
Your parents,
enthralled
A boy full of wonder
Zest for life and
adventure
Testing boundaries,
exploring
Never willing to
surrender
A young man you
became
Always learning, always
growing
Laughter and games
filled our home
Friendship and love
you were bestowing
You were a friend to
everyone
No stranger did you
meet
Your heart was always
giving
Even after it no
longer beat
How can I define you?
Your essence? Your
soul?
Simple words cannot
describe you;
Still, that is my
goal.
You lit up a room
All you needed was
your smile
Never worried about
yourself
Although you had many
trials
You said math was
your language
You loved puzzles and
games
Music, computers,
even baking
Loving friends just
the same
Your family you held
dear
Helping dad, sharing
ideals
Come to visit, play
and share
Helping mom cook
family meals
Your sister, you were
close
Love of music and
marching band
Teasing each other,
playing games
Full of love, no demands
For your brother, you
were best buds
Racing cars and
playing trains
The two of you, so
much alike
Always loved to
entertain
Do you know how much
we care?
Do you know the grief we feel?
You left too soon, so tragically
Do you know the grief we feel?
You left too soon, so tragically
The hole you left
cannot be filled.
Grief, empty, sorrow,
sadness
Words don’t do
justice to the pain
But the world keeps
on turning
We can’t wait to see
you again.
Melanie Johnson
3-13-17
-------------------------------------------
Grief Undefined
A knock at the door
And a look out the
glass
How could I have
known
This day would be
your last?
My balance thrown off
The world, it stopped
spinning.
Or maybe, sped up
My ears won’t stop
ringing
My heart ripped apart
Bleeding love and pouring
sadness
All the words we’ll
never speak
I can’t understand
this madness!
My soul feels heavy
My mind overburdened
My feelings are all
numb
My movement feels
wooden
The world appears
dark
The cloud of grief
turns it grey
My faith and my God
I feel of them quite
betrayed
Each day comes and
goes
The clock tick
tocking away
Time slowly passes on
My heart cries,
wishing you’d stayed
I try to be brave
I try to be strong
But I plead with my
God
“Why must I go on?”
The days have moved
forward
The pain ne’er
refined
My life forever
altered
My grief undefined.
Melanie Johnson
3-13-17
Update, including 1 year
So it's been months and months since I've posted. I don't know why it's so hard for me. But it is what it is.
We started back at Bo's place in December with Grace this time. We went thru their 9 week group sessions and then at the end of March I think we moved over to the ongoing groups. It's helpful to talk to other moms who have lost a child. And for Grace I think to talk to other teens who have lost a sibling. Steve said he's always dealt with things on his own. But with the group - he learned that a lot of what he's feeling is normal among the other dads. So he found it helpful. He seems to really like the ongoing group best.
------------------------------
March 16 came and went. The 1 year anniversary. We decided to make it a commemoration kinda day I guess. We asked everyone to wear red, and for everyone to do a random act of kindness. We had shirts made up for us as a family. We went to the cemetery and my mom actually met us there (unplanned). She brought flowers. Jason asked us to hold hands around the grave. J whispered then, "I miss you Bubba". My mom said she missed him too. Then he fell to his knees. I asked if he was ok and he said "I'm just really sad". We visited some more and then when we were leaving, Jason ran to the cross and hugged it. And said "Bye Bubba".
Prior to going to the cemetery, we went to the EMS, then the Fire Department, and finally the police department. We dropped off cards with angels inside and messages for them. We wanted to honor them and recognize the work they do, as well as the baggage with which they are often left.
We didn't do much else because Grace had to pack and head to youth conference. March 16 last year - she was just returning home from youth conference. It was a hard day. One thing that happened though - I received a card in the mail with 3 pictures of Tony from several years back. He was 15 I believe. It was a very sweet (and bittersweet) thing to receive.
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The biggest problem I've faced recently is my faith. I struggle to maintain a belief in God or that Tony is in heaven. That it's real and not just some idea to help us have comfort. It hasn't helped that my church family, for the most part, has left us alone to our own devices. I had asked a few times for leaders to please try to take Grace under their wings. Mostly b/c I felt I was struggling with my own demons and issues - it was hard to stand - that I felt I needed their help to support grace. Instead, it never happened and I was made to feel ridiculous for even asking - and the girls in youth pretty much ostracized her. We started occasionally attending other wards (The mormon church congregations are divided geographically and you are assigned a ward, or church family, to attend based on where you live. You can attend any ward - but your records, and any ability to serve, is tied to your ward). Partly with my mom and partly with other girls she was friends with. It's been interesting to hear how the leaders in THOSE wards still reach out to her and check in with her.
I've been lucky I guess but there's been a couple women in my ward who reach out. One lost her own child many years ago. She has such a sweet and tender heart. The other has been a friend for many years. She is who sent me the pics of Tony that arrived on the 16th. She has sent me several cards or notes over the last year.
But overall - I feel very forgotten. It's very well documented that significant loss can really impact one's faith and belief system - and it seems like it's a time when a church family should buoy up one who is at risk for drowning. 2 years ago I was released from serving in the young women program. Prior to that calling - I hadn't served for 3 years. I prayed often, attended my meetings, spoke to my leaders - and was given multiple excuses why they didn't want to burden me with a calling. We are also told that God calls those that want to serve. So this time, after I was released, I prayed. I sort of 'doubled down" in my efforts with scripture study and prayer. I volunteered a few times to help out in nursery when the nursery leader asked. I offered, and took meals to a couple people in need. I've tried to reach out as best I could to those that had health issues or struggled thru their own problems or loss. At holidays and other times, I sent messages to various friends that had lost someone and were going thru their own first holidays. I didn't want them to feel forgotten on difficult days. I attended church less, because it was difficult. Some days it's difficult to even get dressed. Regardless, after I was released and through this time, I have no calling. Recently I searched church talks/conferences/messages online - on how to stay faithful and be strong in the lack of a calling. And guess what? I could find NO articles/talks on not having a calling. But a significant amount of talks on the importance of serving, how to fulfill callings, why we should serve, etc etc etc. So yay. I feel like I just take up space at church and serve no real purpose.
Also, the mormon church assigns home teachers to sort of care take each member family. Prior to Tony's death, our home teacher was faithful - visiting every month. For a few years. In the last year - maybe 4 times total. I feel like our family doesn't matter. I have been told that all families have struggles and problems, not just me/us. Which I understand - but if a family or member specifically asks for help or ministering, why should they be told they are basically unimportant? That's how it feels anyway. And the crux of it all - my daughter has fallen away, like me. I bear the responsibility of that to a major degree. But it's also a huge reason why I question God. Why would he leave me to flounder all alone? Why would my requests for help be consistently rebuffed? I prayed often for help, for someone to help. And in return, my daughter has all but left her beliefs behind, and I'm left questioning what I ever believed.
-----------------------------------------
Since the year/milestone has passed, the time, the grief, has gotten stronger and more difficult. In some ways - easier. Maybe that's what it means when people say "it gets easier with time" - b/c i can laugh a little easier, less guilt anyway, or go to the store without a breakdown. But the missing him - the sadness - the constant ache - it's all worse. I know I have depression and need 1 on 1 counseling to help me through it - but $ is tight and no insurance coverage. So I suffer through. But it just seems the world is very dim without Tony in it. 2017 was a difficult transition b/c it is the first year in that Tony didn't spend time. My anxiety is awful. I sleep terribly but even if I do sleep - I wake up often from nightmares or anxiety. My heart races. I have this constant ache in my stomach - like waiting for something bad to happen. I've always been an introvert and would avoid social situations - but it's worse now. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Sometimes, the cry just falls out. Completely unexpected - no notice to try to grab hold of it. But most days, I just stuff the grief down deep. And plaster a smile on - for my family. For my friends. For anyone else I encounter. Grief makes everyone really uncomfortable and it doesn't help me at all to let it out - and then have everyone else feel awkward. So I just put my mask on and go about the day - praying it doesn't slip and let anyone see what's behind.
---------------------------------------
We started back at Bo's place in December with Grace this time. We went thru their 9 week group sessions and then at the end of March I think we moved over to the ongoing groups. It's helpful to talk to other moms who have lost a child. And for Grace I think to talk to other teens who have lost a sibling. Steve said he's always dealt with things on his own. But with the group - he learned that a lot of what he's feeling is normal among the other dads. So he found it helpful. He seems to really like the ongoing group best.
------------------------------
March 16 came and went. The 1 year anniversary. We decided to make it a commemoration kinda day I guess. We asked everyone to wear red, and for everyone to do a random act of kindness. We had shirts made up for us as a family. We went to the cemetery and my mom actually met us there (unplanned). She brought flowers. Jason asked us to hold hands around the grave. J whispered then, "I miss you Bubba". My mom said she missed him too. Then he fell to his knees. I asked if he was ok and he said "I'm just really sad". We visited some more and then when we were leaving, Jason ran to the cross and hugged it. And said "Bye Bubba".
Prior to going to the cemetery, we went to the EMS, then the Fire Department, and finally the police department. We dropped off cards with angels inside and messages for them. We wanted to honor them and recognize the work they do, as well as the baggage with which they are often left.
We didn't do much else because Grace had to pack and head to youth conference. March 16 last year - she was just returning home from youth conference. It was a hard day. One thing that happened though - I received a card in the mail with 3 pictures of Tony from several years back. He was 15 I believe. It was a very sweet (and bittersweet) thing to receive.
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The biggest problem I've faced recently is my faith. I struggle to maintain a belief in God or that Tony is in heaven. That it's real and not just some idea to help us have comfort. It hasn't helped that my church family, for the most part, has left us alone to our own devices. I had asked a few times for leaders to please try to take Grace under their wings. Mostly b/c I felt I was struggling with my own demons and issues - it was hard to stand - that I felt I needed their help to support grace. Instead, it never happened and I was made to feel ridiculous for even asking - and the girls in youth pretty much ostracized her. We started occasionally attending other wards (The mormon church congregations are divided geographically and you are assigned a ward, or church family, to attend based on where you live. You can attend any ward - but your records, and any ability to serve, is tied to your ward). Partly with my mom and partly with other girls she was friends with. It's been interesting to hear how the leaders in THOSE wards still reach out to her and check in with her.
I've been lucky I guess but there's been a couple women in my ward who reach out. One lost her own child many years ago. She has such a sweet and tender heart. The other has been a friend for many years. She is who sent me the pics of Tony that arrived on the 16th. She has sent me several cards or notes over the last year.
But overall - I feel very forgotten. It's very well documented that significant loss can really impact one's faith and belief system - and it seems like it's a time when a church family should buoy up one who is at risk for drowning. 2 years ago I was released from serving in the young women program. Prior to that calling - I hadn't served for 3 years. I prayed often, attended my meetings, spoke to my leaders - and was given multiple excuses why they didn't want to burden me with a calling. We are also told that God calls those that want to serve. So this time, after I was released, I prayed. I sort of 'doubled down" in my efforts with scripture study and prayer. I volunteered a few times to help out in nursery when the nursery leader asked. I offered, and took meals to a couple people in need. I've tried to reach out as best I could to those that had health issues or struggled thru their own problems or loss. At holidays and other times, I sent messages to various friends that had lost someone and were going thru their own first holidays. I didn't want them to feel forgotten on difficult days. I attended church less, because it was difficult. Some days it's difficult to even get dressed. Regardless, after I was released and through this time, I have no calling. Recently I searched church talks/conferences/messages online - on how to stay faithful and be strong in the lack of a calling. And guess what? I could find NO articles/talks on not having a calling. But a significant amount of talks on the importance of serving, how to fulfill callings, why we should serve, etc etc etc. So yay. I feel like I just take up space at church and serve no real purpose.
Also, the mormon church assigns home teachers to sort of care take each member family. Prior to Tony's death, our home teacher was faithful - visiting every month. For a few years. In the last year - maybe 4 times total. I feel like our family doesn't matter. I have been told that all families have struggles and problems, not just me/us. Which I understand - but if a family or member specifically asks for help or ministering, why should they be told they are basically unimportant? That's how it feels anyway. And the crux of it all - my daughter has fallen away, like me. I bear the responsibility of that to a major degree. But it's also a huge reason why I question God. Why would he leave me to flounder all alone? Why would my requests for help be consistently rebuffed? I prayed often for help, for someone to help. And in return, my daughter has all but left her beliefs behind, and I'm left questioning what I ever believed.
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Since the year/milestone has passed, the time, the grief, has gotten stronger and more difficult. In some ways - easier. Maybe that's what it means when people say "it gets easier with time" - b/c i can laugh a little easier, less guilt anyway, or go to the store without a breakdown. But the missing him - the sadness - the constant ache - it's all worse. I know I have depression and need 1 on 1 counseling to help me through it - but $ is tight and no insurance coverage. So I suffer through. But it just seems the world is very dim without Tony in it. 2017 was a difficult transition b/c it is the first year in that Tony didn't spend time. My anxiety is awful. I sleep terribly but even if I do sleep - I wake up often from nightmares or anxiety. My heart races. I have this constant ache in my stomach - like waiting for something bad to happen. I've always been an introvert and would avoid social situations - but it's worse now. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Sometimes, the cry just falls out. Completely unexpected - no notice to try to grab hold of it. But most days, I just stuff the grief down deep. And plaster a smile on - for my family. For my friends. For anyone else I encounter. Grief makes everyone really uncomfortable and it doesn't help me at all to let it out - and then have everyone else feel awkward. So I just put my mask on and go about the day - praying it doesn't slip and let anyone see what's behind.
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Holidays
Halloween. Jason wanted to be a ghost - which is super easy and I was thankful for that. I didn't have the emotional capacity to have something complex to do. I remember last Halloween though. Jason was Clark Kent - wearing a white shirt and glasses and slicked back hair. He had a super man t-shirt underneath. Tony didn't go out with us. As a matter of fact, I had spent most of the day texting him on and off - with no response. As a mom, I always worry about my kids. And Tony had had a few car accidents and it scared me. Plus, living on his own, I worried all the time about his health and wellbeing. In the later part of the evening - we reached out to Austin, his best friend, to see if they were together or if he had heard from Tony. He hadn't. So Steve and I drove over there. Lo and behold - in the parking lot, we see Austin. He's beat us there. And it seemed suspicious, but they assured us it wasn't. Ha! Well, Tony had slept most of the day and never heard his phone. I was ready to wring his neck for worrying me like that! He later apologized.
I wished often that Tony could see his brother dressed up. Jason had no fear going to knock on doors or tell people trick or treat - and thank you! We stopped by IHop afterwards for hot chocolate and some dinner.
Thanksgiving - we held it at my sister's. Normally we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas - one at our house and one at hers. Tony LOVED to cook - so he was always busy baking pies or making cookies or creating dishes to eat, like his bacon wrapped green beans. My sister handled all the food. We brought pumpkin pie and I think that was it. Steve normally makes devilled eggs but Stephen and Alex (brother in law and niece) were doing those this year. And Alex made an apple pie in memory of Tony, b/c he liked making one from scratch. We spent a lot of time visiting and eating. Grace brought a friend - who would have otherwise spent the holiday alone. We got to meet Faith's boyfriend - and I think Tony would have liked him. Tyler visited for a short time before he had work and then went to his girlfriend's house. There was an empty chair at the table in memory of Tony.
Last Thanksgiving, my sister and brother in law had to travel to Iowa for some emergent but messy family business. So Alex, who was 11 at the time, stayed here. We hoped her and Grace would have time together but their interests are so different. We did play family games and Telestrations was a blast with Alex. But the most fun she had - was spending time with Tony. Tony had gotten addicted again to wuffriddles (something like that) - that he did ages ago with our oldest. So he had started it back up and got Alex hooked on it too! And they would spend hours doing that - or talking about different things. Tony became her favorite cousin. He loved the things he loved and had a way of making most anyone interested. And he was great at making others feel loved and welcome.
Christmas. Shopping has been a nightmare and a distraction - all rolled into one. We bought a little memorial tree - it's white, about 2' tall. And we decorated with red lights, red beads and ornaments. We put a couple ornaments from Tony as a child on the tree. I also bought an ornament - mixing spoon and whisk - that reminded me of Tony and his love of cooking/baking. I also placed a small red tree at the cemetery with a couple ornaments. Buying gifts for the kids is hard because I loved to do that for them. And I LOVED going to Kenneth Cole and buying him a new tie or shirt and vest (he loved dressing up) or buying him a sarcastic or retro tee from Target. Last year I bought him a convection oven because he thought he would get more use out of that, than a microwave. Plus a few other kitchen goodies for his apartment that he had asked for. This year, I don't have him to buy for and it's painful. I did buy a little puzzle and some skittles to put in his stocking because I can't bear the thought of it remaining empty.
Christmas Eve we went to my sisters house and it was fun. The kids had a good time. My sister had an empty chair for Tony. It was good to see my nieces and nephew and my family. But it was hard. Last Christmas was the last time my sister saw Tony.
Christmas Day we stayed at home - opened gifts, played, cooked. Tried to be positive for the kiddos. By the end of the day I was exhausted tho.
It's been 5 months almost now and this was a saved draft. I'm not sure why I didn't come back to edit it and publish. I think about writing all the time. I just don't usually do it.
Anyway - our first holidays - we survived I guess. It was difficult and Tony's absence was definitely noticed.
I wished often that Tony could see his brother dressed up. Jason had no fear going to knock on doors or tell people trick or treat - and thank you! We stopped by IHop afterwards for hot chocolate and some dinner.
Thanksgiving - we held it at my sister's. Normally we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas - one at our house and one at hers. Tony LOVED to cook - so he was always busy baking pies or making cookies or creating dishes to eat, like his bacon wrapped green beans. My sister handled all the food. We brought pumpkin pie and I think that was it. Steve normally makes devilled eggs but Stephen and Alex (brother in law and niece) were doing those this year. And Alex made an apple pie in memory of Tony, b/c he liked making one from scratch. We spent a lot of time visiting and eating. Grace brought a friend - who would have otherwise spent the holiday alone. We got to meet Faith's boyfriend - and I think Tony would have liked him. Tyler visited for a short time before he had work and then went to his girlfriend's house. There was an empty chair at the table in memory of Tony.
Last Thanksgiving, my sister and brother in law had to travel to Iowa for some emergent but messy family business. So Alex, who was 11 at the time, stayed here. We hoped her and Grace would have time together but their interests are so different. We did play family games and Telestrations was a blast with Alex. But the most fun she had - was spending time with Tony. Tony had gotten addicted again to wuffriddles (something like that) - that he did ages ago with our oldest. So he had started it back up and got Alex hooked on it too! And they would spend hours doing that - or talking about different things. Tony became her favorite cousin. He loved the things he loved and had a way of making most anyone interested. And he was great at making others feel loved and welcome.
Christmas. Shopping has been a nightmare and a distraction - all rolled into one. We bought a little memorial tree - it's white, about 2' tall. And we decorated with red lights, red beads and ornaments. We put a couple ornaments from Tony as a child on the tree. I also bought an ornament - mixing spoon and whisk - that reminded me of Tony and his love of cooking/baking. I also placed a small red tree at the cemetery with a couple ornaments. Buying gifts for the kids is hard because I loved to do that for them. And I LOVED going to Kenneth Cole and buying him a new tie or shirt and vest (he loved dressing up) or buying him a sarcastic or retro tee from Target. Last year I bought him a convection oven because he thought he would get more use out of that, than a microwave. Plus a few other kitchen goodies for his apartment that he had asked for. This year, I don't have him to buy for and it's painful. I did buy a little puzzle and some skittles to put in his stocking because I can't bear the thought of it remaining empty.
Christmas Eve we went to my sisters house and it was fun. The kids had a good time. My sister had an empty chair for Tony. It was good to see my nieces and nephew and my family. But it was hard. Last Christmas was the last time my sister saw Tony.
Christmas Day we stayed at home - opened gifts, played, cooked. Tried to be positive for the kiddos. By the end of the day I was exhausted tho.
It's been 5 months almost now and this was a saved draft. I'm not sure why I didn't come back to edit it and publish. I think about writing all the time. I just don't usually do it.
Anyway - our first holidays - we survived I guess. It was difficult and Tony's absence was definitely noticed.
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