Check in

It's been awhile since I posted last. We have passed the 4 and 5 month marks - and I'm learning if I stay busy on those days, I don't focus on it as much. Thus, it's a little easier to get thru the day.

Jason and I went to a Grief Therapy program in Houston - a facility called Bo's Place. They have lots of therapy options but we attended an 8 week class called Little Friends (for ages 3-5). I'll make a separate post about that.

We had a family activity the other night - painting rocks (a local facebook group started this fun thing - where you paint rocks and leave them around town and people find them and keep or rehide them. Kinda like geocaching or pokemon go). So we all painted rocks (and found out Grace is PHENOMINAL at her art). We enjoyed our time doing it - and for the first time, I didn't feel extra sad that we were doing something Tony couldn't do with it. Maybe it was because it was an activity we had never done before with him. I'm not sure. But I went to bed that night almost feeling a little guilty - that I didn't feel sad. I had to recognize that this was a good thing. I still need to make memories with my kids and they don't need to always be overshadowed by sadness.

A couple months ago - I had a few dreams about Tony. I had begged and pleaded with God to let me dream of my son, to give me some message he was ok. I always read about people getting all these signs that Their loved one is ok. I haven't really gotten that. So I finally dreamed about him - and it wasn't reassuring. I may make a post about those dreams too.

I did end up having a day where 3 things happened that made me FINALLY feel he was telling me he is ok.

We are trying to plan a 21st birthday bash - a memorial birthday party. I need to get on the ball with that. We are also trying to organize his scholarship fund. (and everyone else is having birthdays too coming up - mine is next week, followed by Jason's 4th at the end of the month. Then in November is Grace and Steve's)

Grace wants to invite a friend over for Thanksgiving because she spent it alone last year and it looks like she will again this year. I told her it was fine - but to realize it may also be a hard day for us. I'm hopeful that having a friend over, and possibly going to my sister's, will keep us distracted enough to not focus on the empty seat.

In some ways, I feel the grief has gotten worse. But in therapy, I realized that it is possible I have moved from beyond that "shock" (where we still felt this was a joke, or that he would still walk thru the door) - to "acceptance". That's a hard stage. Accepting that my beautiful boy - this handsome young man so full of life - is now gone. It's very hard to look at pictures and not feel that grief. The pictures, for me, just show how much life he had.

But in some ways I think things are getting easier. Or rather, I've gotten stronger. I don't panic every time Grace leaves the house to drive somewhere. I don't panic every time she forgets to text me that she arrived ok. I can talk about Tony a little more often, without tears.

We are approaching the 6th month mark. Steve will be out of town at that time, and I'm not sure how to keep myself occupied. I dread this anniversary. To know half a year has passed - in a freaking blink of an eye - without hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hug, witnessing his vibrance. It's very difficult.

We are also experiencing facing death in a new way. Steve's mom had another heart attack and was hospitalized in July. This time there was enough damage that she has been placed on hospice. She is currently in a nursing home not far from here and Steve can visit every day. Jason and I go up about 3 or so times a week. But, for me at least, it brings up a lot of emotions about Tony and his death.

I had a neat message from a friend of Tony's. Her grandfather had passed away - and she wanted to know if I could help plan the funeral. She said funerals have always been sad, but Tony's wasn't. At first I was taken aback. But it was also a compliment. Because we really wanted that - for his friends to not have such a sad memory. I didn't help her plan it - but I did tell her the starting point we had for Tony. Who was he? What did he love? What kind of person was he? And how do we honor those memories? How do show others the beautiful person - without making it about our loss and grief?

Jason doesn't talk about Tony as often. He still includes him in the family (when he names people or draws pictures). I do wonder if almost 6 months is taking its toll on his memory. It makes me so so so sad to think about Jason not growing up with his fantastic older brother. I hope we can do a good job of keeping his memory alive.

I think Grace is struggling. And I think this is what we sort of expected. Marching Band is in full swing. Grace is a drum line leader. She's playing snare again this year. However, the percussion director has left and a new director came in, but he doesn't know percussion. So there is a lot of stress on her - both as a leader this year - and as a possible teacher since they don't have that. She had a breakdown the other night - crying and letting out all the stress and frustration with band and school. She doesn't talk about Tony much. Occasionally mentioning a memory but she never talks about his death. I am considering taking her to Bo's place after marching season - even if she doesn't want me to. Just to see if it helps her. I feel she needs to connect with other people, her age, that lost someone. But also - that are dealing with parents that are grieving. I think that might be the hardest for her - maybe she doesn't feel she can talk about it. Or maybe she feels like she isn't grieving correctly. I'm SO open with my grief, and Steve is stoic and rarely talks too. I worry a lot about her.

My faith is practically non-existant these days. I've lost faith mostly in the people in my ward as a source of strength. I need to put that aside and go to church for me. But my ward is a difficult one. Many people have left over the years and talked about how different it is elsewhere. I attend very occasionally with my mom at her ward. There's such a difference there for me. I feel, in a way, several of those members care more about me and my family and our grief - than my own ward. But I'm currently bitter and not really wanting to let go of that either. I need to find a place where I'm comfortable letting go of that grief. Mom is praying for me.

I guess that's pretty much what's happened since my last post.

The Day My World Stopped

March 16, 2016 3:09 pm My world changed - I just didn't know it then. It would be 2 hours before I knew it. I sometimes question why I didn't FEEL it.

 Backstory: I'm a mom of 4, wife to Steve for 21 years. Our oldest Ashley lives in Indiana and had been estranged from us for about 5 years. She is 22. My next, Anthony, age 20, living on his own about half hour from us. Then my daughter Grace, 16, sophomore in high school. Finally, bringing up the rear, is our unexpected blessing Jason. He's 3.5. Him and Tony (our name for Anthony) - best buds!

Tony lived on his own - he'd moved out about 8 months earlier. He was in the process of moving again, in with a roommate this time. He hated living alone. He was a lover of all people - no judgement based on looks or lifestyle choices. He was always lending a helping hand. And he loved to have fun! Tony lived life fully! He didn't always make the best choices, or do things that we, his parents, would have done. But he was a man, and we were proud that he was forging his own path! He worked hard, played hard, and loved his friends and family fiercely!

 I'm sure I will tell more stories about him, and our family, later.

 The "day" my world changed, I spent the morning at my cousin's home. She has 3 beautiful small babies - 1 year old twin boys and a 2 year old daughter (who was also a twin, but her sister didn't make it). My cousin spent most of her adult life yearning for babies and finally had them! She also has 2 wonderful step children - 1 of which was there. He is 15. (this was during spring break) In addition to all of that, my cousin is recovering from breast cancer. I had some pictures and video of the kids playing together. We had a good visit! I was with my mom there as well. We stopped for lunch on the way home, and I remember my mom saying this was her first time to ever eat at Chick Fil A! We had a good lunch, came home and mom went on her way to her home. I'm an introvert by nature, so I popped on a tv show for Jason and I surfed facebook. This calmed me and helped me destress. My daughter, Grace, would be returning home that night from Trek. Her and Tony were close.

My children and I are Mormons, or Latter-Day Saints. We have a strong pioneer history so the youth went on a 3 day re-enactment. They lived as "families", pushing handcarts, living and eating as the pioneers did, as they made their way west. Tony did this trek 4 years earlier, when he also was 16.

 I remember being on facebook - and reading some posts. In one group, I saw a screen shot of a post from another group - and it was about a car accident. At that time - 4:59 pm - I received a phone call from my daughter. She was happy, and so was I. I missed her and was anxious to hear how it all went! She told me she had a lot of blisters but she was proud of each and every one of them! She also told me that one of the vehicles was struggling so they were going to take it slow and would be later than originally anticipated. It was a relatively short phone call.

I got back on facebook and saw that accident post again. It involved a small black car. I remember posting something like "I hate these posts! They always make me worried for my family! My son drives a black car!". I called my son. It rang and rang and went to voicemail. That was a good sign! Right? It was 5:02 pm.

 I went and found the original post on the other group. As I was reading more comments, I saw there was a fatality. That's always scary! Then i read the car looked like a black scion. My son drives a small black Scion! I texted him. "You ok?" I knew he'd text me back. It wasn't him. I remember being kinda worried, but not really. It was 5:04 pm.

 I received a knock at the door. Jason didn't move. He was zoned into the tv. I walked towards the door. Our door has a window that's etched but you can see thru parts of it. I saw a police office. My heart fell into my stomach. As I got closer, I saw a lady next to him. Her shirt said Chaplain. I was screaming in my head "NO! NO! NO!" I opened the door - and I don't think I even waited for him, the officer, to speak. I blurted out I think something about "Is this about my son? Anthony Johnson? Is he dead?" I don't remember exactly. I just KNEW! He confirmed it and I collapsed to the ground screaming. Just wailing. My heart had be ripped apart and I was hemorrhaging intense, overwhelming grief! This couldn't be true! This couldn't be happening! I remember saying "I can't breathe!" Even tho I was breathing. I remember saying "I can't do this!" even tho I was doing it. I didn't WANT to do it. I knew I had to tell my husband but my grief was so overwhelming that I didn't THINK! I regret this and will continue to regret this. I called him. He answered and my anguish was evident. I said "You have to come home! Tony is DEAD!" He hung up on me he said - but I didn't notice b/c I'd dropped my phone and was just wailing again. It was 5:12 pm.

 My husband said he knew it was true. He told his co-worker he had to leave and to please put his stuff away for him. The police officer called my husband back and talked with him. I don't know how that conversation went. I was consumed with grief and couldn't think. Couldn't function. Steve told the officer I needed someone from church to be with me. (my husband isn't LDS but he understands and supports my faith) The officer relayed that. I remember pulling up the church directory and the officer would dial numbers, leave messages. NO ONE WAS ANSWERING!!! I needed someone and no one was there!! Finally, I had the officer call my bishop. I hesitated to call him, despite him being a close family friend (as well as my church leader), because he was returning from trek with the youth. (and it was his truck having the performance issues). The officer spoke with him and then the bishop spoke with me. I don't remember the conversation except to tell him I didn't know who else to call.

I called my sister. I had been unable to get ahold of my mom. Maybe she wasn't home yet. Maybe she was outside. I don't know. It had been maybe an hour, maybe a little longer, since she'd left after our good day. My sister lives about an hour from me, maybe a little more. I needed her to call my mom. I didn't know my husband had gotten ahold of my mom already. (my husband works about 45 min away).

I don't know what happened next. Not really. I remember periodically checking on my son. I remember having episodes where I could talk and kind of think, and then becoming overwhelmed with grief. My son was GONE! NO! He was my SON! NO! This can't be TRUE! I remember the chaplain rubbing my back and saying "Thank you Jesus" and I couldn't figure out why she was thanking Jesus - because my son was dead? Because I couldn't breathe? Because I couldn't do this? I did ask her to pray with me. I needed to find some spiritual strength and I couldn't find it then.

Eventually Jason noticed I wasn't in the house and was knocking on the window. So we let him out. He was fascinated with the officer and chaplain - and didn't notice I was a mess. I went inside to the bathroom to wash my face. I had to pull it together! I had to be a good mom! How was I going to be a good mom, when I'd just lost a huge piece of myself?? Jason sat on the swing with the chaplain talking and showing her toys. He went and peed in the yard. I actually had a moment of clarity and kind of giggled at that.

Steve came home and I ran to him and just hugged him. I was a mess. He was my rock. How was he not crying? I couldn't keep it together! I think my mom actually came before my husband. I don't remember. Another officer showed up. A detective. I don't remember his name. We received some details. He was driving in his car, and 2 other cars - with friends, were there too. They were travelling at a high rate of speed. Maybe racing each other or leap frogging or something. Being 20 year boys thinking they are invincible. My son was in front, or maybe he passed them, and lost control of his car. He crashed into some parked cars at a business. No one else was hurt. It was only my son, and some property damage. (the truck my son hit was moved 17', 2 trailers and another truck were damaged as well). 2 people that worked at the business - one was a 25 year old man - opened the passenger door, found that Tony didn't have a pulse, pulled him out and started CPR. They were unsuccessful. The officer told me that the 25 year old man was distraught - he did everything, why didn't it work? Why didn't Tony survive? My heart ACHED for him!

2 of the friends, in one of the cars, were a couple of Tony's best friends. Dylan and JT. The other friend, Tony had just met that day. I don't know him. The officer told me Dylan's mom had to go up there. That the boys were obviously upset. My heart ACHED for them as well! Being the boys they were, their actions were a participant in my son's death. What grief and guilt they must feel! To witness the death of their friend - I can only imagine. I wanted to hug them!

We were told my son passed instantly.

By this time, more people had shown up. My sister. 2 ladies from church came. They cried with me. Held me. Entertained Jason. My mom had 2 men from her ward come. (wards are geographical divisions of the church. The LDS church is the same everywhere. So you attend the ward in your town or your area. My mom lives in a different ward boundary than me) The men hugged me, one gave me a folder with printouts for me to read if I wanted. Words of Comfort was written on the front of the folder. They gave me a blessing. They blessed me for comfort and peace. They blessed me to know that Tony was received in Paradise and was greeted and welcomed by a lot of family members. I don't remember most of the blessing. I was numb. I had numbness and disbelief interspersed with intense overwhelming grief. And I would collapse again in tears.

I would look at my son - my 3.5 year old beautiful boy - who didn't even know or understand! His best friend, his best bud, his Bubba was GONE! How could this happen? This wasn't fair! His memories at 3 wouldn't be completely set and he may never remember his Bubba! This wasn't FAIR! This can't be REAL!!

I remember my nephew coming. He was almost 22. And he was a complete and utter mess. His grief was overwhelming and I felt helpless to help him. I couldn't help my own grief! But I ACHED for him! Tony and Tyler were close! People left and people came. The men from church left. The officers were long gone. My sister's husband and youngest daughter came. I think she was almost 12. (both Tyler and Alex's birthdays were just days away and we would actually bury my beloved son on Tyler's birthday). Tony was her favorite cousin. (she got to spend Thanksgiving with us b/c her parents had some family stuff to attend to out of state. Tony enjoyed spending time with her b/c they both loved puzzles and brainiac stuff.) I don't remember how long they stayed.

Eventually the ladies from church left. My sister and her family left. My mom stayed. We still had to tell my daughter. She had texted giving updates on times. Luckily, several adults were aware of the situation and were trying to keep her from finding out.

At 11pm we drove to the church. Grace has her own car, and would not be expecting us there, but it didn't seem fair to let her drive home thinking all was ok in the world - then get home to.....this. About 1130, everyone showed up. I remember Grace getting out and walking past us and yelling to me, as she walked to her car, "this was the worst 3 days of my life!" (as she said it - she was laughing, so she wasn't serious). I remember thinking "honey, if you only knew how bad it was going to get".

My husband walked to her car and she turned around and asked him why he was following her. He said he needed to talk to her. She asked what was wrong and he told her Tony had had a car accident. She said "Another one?" Tony had had several car accidents in the past. She asked if he was ok? Steve shook his head. She asked if he was dead, and I don't know how he told her. Did he nod his head? Did he say yes? She just started sobbing and hanging on her Daddy. Several adults knew by this point and several of the youth. They started to walk to her. One girl, Angie, was close with Tony. They dated in the past and remained friends. She ran to Grace and asked if it was true. Then her and Grace cried together. My daughter found her strength and composure and began comforting Angie and others. And us. Eventually, after a long time, we left for home. Steve drove her car, and I drove her in our car. Grace and I held hands.

My son died instantly at 3:09 pm. My world changed instantly. We would have to find our new normal. It was now 11:55 pm.