It's been awhile since I posted last. We have passed the 4 and 5 month marks - and I'm learning if I stay busy on those days, I don't focus on it as much. Thus, it's a little easier to get thru the day.
Jason and I went to a Grief Therapy program in Houston - a facility called Bo's Place. They have lots of therapy options but we attended an 8 week class called Little Friends (for ages 3-5). I'll make a separate post about that.
We had a family activity the other night - painting rocks (a local facebook group started this fun thing - where you paint rocks and leave them around town and people find them and keep or rehide them. Kinda like geocaching or pokemon go). So we all painted rocks (and found out Grace is PHENOMINAL at her art). We enjoyed our time doing it - and for the first time, I didn't feel extra sad that we were doing something Tony couldn't do with it. Maybe it was because it was an activity we had never done before with him. I'm not sure. But I went to bed that night almost feeling a little guilty - that I didn't feel sad. I had to recognize that this was a good thing. I still need to make memories with my kids and they don't need to always be overshadowed by sadness.
A couple months ago - I had a few dreams about Tony. I had begged and pleaded with God to let me dream of my son, to give me some message he was ok. I always read about people getting all these signs that Their loved one is ok. I haven't really gotten that. So I finally dreamed about him - and it wasn't reassuring. I may make a post about those dreams too.
I did end up having a day where 3 things happened that made me FINALLY feel he was telling me he is ok.
We are trying to plan a 21st birthday bash - a memorial birthday party. I need to get on the ball with that. We are also trying to organize his scholarship fund. (and everyone else is having birthdays too coming up - mine is next week, followed by Jason's 4th at the end of the month. Then in November is Grace and Steve's)
Grace wants to invite a friend over for Thanksgiving because she spent it alone last year and it looks like she will again this year. I told her it was fine - but to realize it may also be a hard day for us. I'm hopeful that having a friend over, and possibly going to my sister's, will keep us distracted enough to not focus on the empty seat.
In some ways, I feel the grief has gotten worse. But in therapy, I realized that it is possible I have moved from beyond that "shock" (where we still felt this was a joke, or that he would still walk thru the door) - to "acceptance". That's a hard stage. Accepting that my beautiful boy - this handsome young man so full of life - is now gone. It's very hard to look at pictures and not feel that grief. The pictures, for me, just show how much life he had.
But in some ways I think things are getting easier. Or rather, I've gotten stronger. I don't panic every time Grace leaves the house to drive somewhere. I don't panic every time she forgets to text me that she arrived ok. I can talk about Tony a little more often, without tears.
We are approaching the 6th month mark. Steve will be out of town at that time, and I'm not sure how to keep myself occupied. I dread this anniversary. To know half a year has passed - in a freaking blink of an eye - without hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hug, witnessing his vibrance. It's very difficult.
We are also experiencing facing death in a new way. Steve's mom had another heart attack and was hospitalized in July. This time there was enough damage that she has been placed on hospice. She is currently in a nursing home not far from here and Steve can visit every day. Jason and I go up about 3 or so times a week. But, for me at least, it brings up a lot of emotions about Tony and his death.
I had a neat message from a friend of Tony's. Her grandfather had passed away - and she wanted to know if I could help plan the funeral. She said funerals have always been sad, but Tony's wasn't. At first I was taken aback. But it was also a compliment. Because we really wanted that - for his friends to not have such a sad memory. I didn't help her plan it - but I did tell her the starting point we had for Tony. Who was he? What did he love? What kind of person was he? And how do we honor those memories? How do show others the beautiful person - without making it about our loss and grief?
Jason doesn't talk about Tony as often. He still includes him in the family (when he names people or draws pictures). I do wonder if almost 6 months is taking its toll on his memory. It makes me so so so sad to think about Jason not growing up with his fantastic older brother. I hope we can do a good job of keeping his memory alive.
I think Grace is struggling. And I think this is what we sort of expected. Marching Band is in full swing. Grace is a drum line leader. She's playing snare again this year. However, the percussion director has left and a new director came in, but he doesn't know percussion. So there is a lot of stress on her - both as a leader this year - and as a possible teacher since they don't have that. She had a breakdown the other night - crying and letting out all the stress and frustration with band and school. She doesn't talk about Tony much. Occasionally mentioning a memory but she never talks about his death. I am considering taking her to Bo's place after marching season - even if she doesn't want me to. Just to see if it helps her. I feel she needs to connect with other people, her age, that lost someone. But also - that are dealing with parents that are grieving. I think that might be the hardest for her - maybe she doesn't feel she can talk about it. Or maybe she feels like she isn't grieving correctly. I'm SO open with my grief, and Steve is stoic and rarely talks too. I worry a lot about her.
My faith is practically non-existant these days. I've lost faith mostly in the people in my ward as a source of strength. I need to put that aside and go to church for me. But my ward is a difficult one. Many people have left over the years and talked about how different it is elsewhere. I attend very occasionally with my mom at her ward. There's such a difference there for me. I feel, in a way, several of those members care more about me and my family and our grief - than my own ward. But I'm currently bitter and not really wanting to let go of that either. I need to find a place where I'm comfortable letting go of that grief. Mom is praying for me.
I guess that's pretty much what's happened since my last post.
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grace. Show all posts
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Friday, April 8, 2016
The days after
Wednesday came. Steve went to work. I was sad about that. I still needed him. But he felt he needed to get back to work - and supporting us financially.
We got a slow start to the day but picked up Ashley at the hotel for lunch. She missed CiCi's Pizza - I guess they didn't have it in Indiana, where she lived. We decided not to go to the one in our town - because there had been a lot of negative reviews there lately (on cleanliness mostly). So we drove to League City where there's a nicer one. Ashley realized fairly quickly that memories and reality don't always match. Ha! The pizza was okay but it wasn't great.
Steve ended up meeting us there. He had realized he wasn't ready to go back to work. We had a pretty good lunch. Jason insisted on a Dr. Pepper. I thought that was interesting. I'm like root beer and my kids have always started out that way. Tony eventually "betrayed" me and went to Dr. Pepper. That was his dad's favorite too. Well, Jason had always asked for root beer. This was his first time to ask for a Dr. Pepper. (And he continues to as well) Thanks Tony!
After lunch, we stopped by the store and bought some cookies and cards. I wrote out 2 thank you cards (the only ones I've done so far - even now). We drove to the police station. Officer C wasn't in, nor any of the officers that worked the wreck. So we left the cookies and the card. A lady gave Jason a stuffed dog. He calls it a bear and named it "ker-ker". It had a red scarf.
We took the other cookies and card to the business that Tony wrecked. 2 of the men there had tried to save Tony and we wanted to meet them and say thank you. That was hard for me. We met them, shook their hands, and told them thank you. It was kind of awkward actually. I felt good going but it just seemed awkward. We did find out that they had never received insurance information for their property damage claim. So we said we would look into that.
We came back to the house and visited. That night we went out to eat. I really struggled so we didn't stay a long time. It was hard being around people that were laughing and enjoying each other's company.
The next day, Thursday, was the last day here for Ashley. Steve picked her up and got her checked out of the hotel. We visited. We talked a little about the past. She asked some questions that had bothered her. It was interesting to hear her perspective too - like being shocked that some people at the funeral were so nice to her. Her last memory of those people, she said she was very mean and angry. That they would have been justified in not being nice to her, or talking to her at all. She also acknowledged briefly how she acted with us in the past. It showed a lot of maturity and gave me hope that any future relationship might be successful.
In no time at all she was needing to leave for the airport. We said our good-byes and Steve drove her there. Later that night, we would hear from her that there were issues. Apparently storms in Georgia had caused delays. Ashley's plane landed in Alabama for a couple hours for that I think, as well as plane problems. They finally got on their way but when they landed, the connecting flight had just left. My friend Crysty had already scheduled a new flight - and it wouldn't leave until the next morning. Ashley didn't want to go to a hotel, so she stayed at the airport all night. Because we could only communicate via email - it was difficult to keep in touch or get updates or make sure she was ok. Friday late morning we got word that she was in Indiana and on her way home. Once she was home, she said she was going to bed. I could breathe a little better knowing she was home.
My sister posted this on March 23 "My sister amazes me everyday. I have no idea how she can't just scream at the world and just say "F#@& off". I mean she yelled at me then apologized later. I know everyone thinks I did a great job helping my sister, but reality, that's how I cope while trying not to scream at the world. I would be so angry with his friends. He was my nephew, not my son and I just can't deal. I don't want to see people, I don't want to leave the house, I just want to lay in bed and cry. I feel guilty being this sad. I've never seen my kids hurt so bad.
Because of her, should I ever endure this pain, I know she will be there, reminding me to have Hope God's plan is bigger, To give Love because no matter the circumstances everyone needs it and show Grace because because while we are sinners we've been saved by Grace. I love you little sister. I love you to my brother, my nieces and Jason. "
We got a slow start to the day but picked up Ashley at the hotel for lunch. She missed CiCi's Pizza - I guess they didn't have it in Indiana, where she lived. We decided not to go to the one in our town - because there had been a lot of negative reviews there lately (on cleanliness mostly). So we drove to League City where there's a nicer one. Ashley realized fairly quickly that memories and reality don't always match. Ha! The pizza was okay but it wasn't great.
Steve ended up meeting us there. He had realized he wasn't ready to go back to work. We had a pretty good lunch. Jason insisted on a Dr. Pepper. I thought that was interesting. I'm like root beer and my kids have always started out that way. Tony eventually "betrayed" me and went to Dr. Pepper. That was his dad's favorite too. Well, Jason had always asked for root beer. This was his first time to ask for a Dr. Pepper. (And he continues to as well) Thanks Tony!
After lunch, we stopped by the store and bought some cookies and cards. I wrote out 2 thank you cards (the only ones I've done so far - even now). We drove to the police station. Officer C wasn't in, nor any of the officers that worked the wreck. So we left the cookies and the card. A lady gave Jason a stuffed dog. He calls it a bear and named it "ker-ker". It had a red scarf.
We took the other cookies and card to the business that Tony wrecked. 2 of the men there had tried to save Tony and we wanted to meet them and say thank you. That was hard for me. We met them, shook their hands, and told them thank you. It was kind of awkward actually. I felt good going but it just seemed awkward. We did find out that they had never received insurance information for their property damage claim. So we said we would look into that.
We came back to the house and visited. That night we went out to eat. I really struggled so we didn't stay a long time. It was hard being around people that were laughing and enjoying each other's company.
The next day, Thursday, was the last day here for Ashley. Steve picked her up and got her checked out of the hotel. We visited. We talked a little about the past. She asked some questions that had bothered her. It was interesting to hear her perspective too - like being shocked that some people at the funeral were so nice to her. Her last memory of those people, she said she was very mean and angry. That they would have been justified in not being nice to her, or talking to her at all. She also acknowledged briefly how she acted with us in the past. It showed a lot of maturity and gave me hope that any future relationship might be successful.
In no time at all she was needing to leave for the airport. We said our good-byes and Steve drove her there. Later that night, we would hear from her that there were issues. Apparently storms in Georgia had caused delays. Ashley's plane landed in Alabama for a couple hours for that I think, as well as plane problems. They finally got on their way but when they landed, the connecting flight had just left. My friend Crysty had already scheduled a new flight - and it wouldn't leave until the next morning. Ashley didn't want to go to a hotel, so she stayed at the airport all night. Because we could only communicate via email - it was difficult to keep in touch or get updates or make sure she was ok. Friday late morning we got word that she was in Indiana and on her way home. Once she was home, she said she was going to bed. I could breathe a little better knowing she was home.
My sister posted this on March 23 "My sister amazes me everyday. I have no idea how she can't just scream at the world and just say "F#@& off". I mean she yelled at me then apologized later. I know everyone thinks I did a great job helping my sister, but reality, that's how I cope while trying not to scream at the world. I would be so angry with his friends. He was my nephew, not my son and I just can't deal. I don't want to see people, I don't want to leave the house, I just want to lay in bed and cry. I feel guilty being this sad. I've never seen my kids hurt so bad.
My sister Melanie (and BIL Steve) have shown me what Grace really is. They not only forgave the young men but welcomed in their home, hugged them, loved on them, cried with them. Because I witnessed this, I was able to take the anger and show love for these young men. My nephew had amazing friends. These guys hugged everyone of us, they needed that I think more than we did. While my nephew was just having fun with friends, his friends have a whole other level of pain that none of us could even understand.
My sister showed me what Grace, Hope and Love really is. I never fully understood it until now.
God has been with her every step of the way and it shows to everyone, it shows.
God has been with her every step of the way and it shows to everyone, it shows.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
We get to finally see him
Monday came bright and early. Like it always does. Today was the day everyone would start wearing red. The high school kids, people who saw the instagram post. Our friends that wanted to wear red. Some would wear red 2 days in a row. Those that wore it would post on facebook, instagram, etc and use the tag #red4aj (or #redforaj - because I shared it incorrectly). We had a LOT of people wearing red!
I know we worked on more pictures and video stuff. I was stressing big time. Yelled at people. Stomped off to be alone. I felt awful. But I felt panicked and things were out of control. My emotions were spilling over! I wanted my son back! I didn't want this to be real! How could he be gone? I mean, truly gone? He didn't live at home anymore - so he just wasn't home. This had to be a joke!
Eventually the time came for us to head to the funeral home. Steve, Grace and I drove up there. I was super nervous. Did I really want to do this? Was I really going to see my son - my handsome, funny, loving son - in a casket?? This couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening. And yet....here we were. Standing at the funeral chapel doors.
The doors opened. The casket was at the very back (or front?) of the chapel. Yet, I could see his profile - his hair, his beard, his nose, clearly. There was no mistaking that profile. I collapsed against the wall and just felt....gut punched. The overwhelming emotions were there again - spilling out in giant tears, running down my face and onto the carpet. My heart was hemorrhaging and there wasn't a way to stop the bleeding. Steve rubbed my back. I felt terrible because I do not know how Grace handled it. She seemed strong - but maybe she held it together on the outside because I was falling apart? Maybe she was falling apart on the inside. I don't know.
I finally got up, and we made our way to the casket.
I've been to enough funerals, touched enough dead bodies to know - the skin doesn't feel like healthy, living skin. The body is cold. The face *never* looks like the living person did.
I reached for his hand - somehow expecting......warmth. It was ice cold. I yanked my hand back. It looked like him - yet - didnt. He didn't have his glasses. They were shattered in the wreck. I touched his face. I touched his head. It just didn't feel real. He felt.....well, he felt like a wax statue, or like plastic. I started talking to him. It was the only way I would get through this. I told him I loved him. I missed him. I told him about his clothes. Grace told him his hair was a mess. He had told me, the previous Monday, that he needed a haircut. Grace decided she had to do something about his hair!
Now, Tony hated Grace messing with his hair. But, my daughter loves doing hair and makeup. It's her passion. And she couldn't stand for this awful mess! The funeral director brought a comb and hair spray. It's all they had I guess. Well, she did the best she could - but really, he DID need a haircut! We figured, as much as he loved to torment her - as older brothers do - he could put up with a bit of a bad hair style for the eternity. Heehee! I buttoned up his vest and then started working on his tie. I was going to do a trinity knot. I had the youtube video pulled up. It's very difficult to tie a tie, when the person is not helping. It's hard to move. I ended up tying it twice but it looked GOOD! He would be proud of his mama tying that for him! We spent some more time talking to him.
Something else that happened - a little back story. Tony had a motorcycle. He had specific plans for it. To paint it red, with pin striping. We had a neighbor a street or 2 over from us that did that kind of thing. He had painted my husband's bike. And had actually painted Tony's tank red. Well, steve talked with him about doing a little pin striping on the casket. He said he would love to do it - and wouldn't charge us.
So while at the funeral home, you could smell the paint. So we found - at the foot of the casket, on the top - the pin striping. And it looked fantastic!
Eventually we all sat on the front pew and cried quietly. We could see Grace struggling quite a bit. That was hard to see. It's hard to see your kids struggle and be unable to help them. There is no ointment or bandaid or surgery to fix a broken heart. And this is one of the broken-est types of hearts. We didn't stay a long time. We came back home.
That afternoon, Grace and I took her car to Tony's apartment. We had decided on exactly the things we wanted to display and needed to finish getting all of that. Steve wanted me and Grace to go - so we could have that time together. Grace drove her car - so that Steve could take mine and get it washed and vacuumed. He had some errands to run too, although I can't remember what. We got to his apartment and - yup - still a mess. Ha! That boy! Grace had a laugh at the burned food on the stove. We started going through his things and packing up. There was a point however when I was done emotionally. When the depression and sadness hit me hard. I sat on his couch and hugged his pillow. I looked at all his things. Most had been given to him (furniture for example) but some he had worked hard for. Or had collected over his years growing up. Each item represented him - and the dreams and goals he had. The stage of life he was in. How he wouldn't progress any further here on Earth. He wouldn't go on to college (he had already worked in IT. He had been considering college in the fall - to pursue cybersecurity). He wouldn't eventually open his own fusion restaurant or be a pastry chef. (3 years in culinary in high school. He loved to cook and bake. He wanted to open a restaurant one day with Austin. Or be a pastry chef. Or maybe both!) He wouldn't settle down, get married, maybe have babies. He wouldn't be there to tell me jokes. Or explain math things to me that were way beyond my comprehension. (he used to say "math is my first language". He was super excited about some new prime number that had been discovered). He wouldn't show me videos on fractals. Or do yo-yo tricks. Or solve a rubik's cube in under 30 seconds. Or do some really neat magic trick - like fill an empty coke can and seal it! He wouldn't play cars or trains with his baby brother. He wouldn't give his sister a hard time, or jam to the beastie boys in the car at unbelievable volume. He wouldn't give me that "look" when I went to take a picture. Or give me a hug.
The sadness was heavy. Very heavy. The apartment no longer had his presence. Not like it did that first night. Now it was just sad.
Steve's post 3/21 3:18 pm "Today I experienced the most painful, yet beautiful moment that I have ever experienced in my life. Today, we saw you for the first time since you left. Two of the strongest women I have ever known stood to each side of me. I watched your mother tie the Trinity Knot in your tie, and button your vest. And I watched your sister comb and fix your hair. We spoke with you for a few minutes. We cried. We laughed. And we bowed before God, asked that he would give us strength, and watch over you until we meet again."
My post 3/21 4:17 pm "Today we went to see Tony - first time since the wreck. I keep saying the hardest moment for this or that. Fact is, they are all hard. It's interesting to see the shell of a body. Yeah, it looks like it. But not really. The soul changes a body - gives it life, personality. And that changes how you look. There's comfort in knowing his shell isn't really him. That he's all around me. He's in my memories. He's in my heart.
Steve picked up Ashley from the airport around midnight. Despite flight issues, she arrived. And it's all thanks to Crysty who handled his ticket and switched it last minute to avoid delays that were happening. All to ensure she arrived in time. We have been humbled by the outpouring of support, and going that extra mile.
I know we worked on more pictures and video stuff. I was stressing big time. Yelled at people. Stomped off to be alone. I felt awful. But I felt panicked and things were out of control. My emotions were spilling over! I wanted my son back! I didn't want this to be real! How could he be gone? I mean, truly gone? He didn't live at home anymore - so he just wasn't home. This had to be a joke!
Eventually the time came for us to head to the funeral home. Steve, Grace and I drove up there. I was super nervous. Did I really want to do this? Was I really going to see my son - my handsome, funny, loving son - in a casket?? This couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening. And yet....here we were. Standing at the funeral chapel doors.
The doors opened. The casket was at the very back (or front?) of the chapel. Yet, I could see his profile - his hair, his beard, his nose, clearly. There was no mistaking that profile. I collapsed against the wall and just felt....gut punched. The overwhelming emotions were there again - spilling out in giant tears, running down my face and onto the carpet. My heart was hemorrhaging and there wasn't a way to stop the bleeding. Steve rubbed my back. I felt terrible because I do not know how Grace handled it. She seemed strong - but maybe she held it together on the outside because I was falling apart? Maybe she was falling apart on the inside. I don't know.
I finally got up, and we made our way to the casket.
I've been to enough funerals, touched enough dead bodies to know - the skin doesn't feel like healthy, living skin. The body is cold. The face *never* looks like the living person did.
I reached for his hand - somehow expecting......warmth. It was ice cold. I yanked my hand back. It looked like him - yet - didnt. He didn't have his glasses. They were shattered in the wreck. I touched his face. I touched his head. It just didn't feel real. He felt.....well, he felt like a wax statue, or like plastic. I started talking to him. It was the only way I would get through this. I told him I loved him. I missed him. I told him about his clothes. Grace told him his hair was a mess. He had told me, the previous Monday, that he needed a haircut. Grace decided she had to do something about his hair!
Now, Tony hated Grace messing with his hair. But, my daughter loves doing hair and makeup. It's her passion. And she couldn't stand for this awful mess! The funeral director brought a comb and hair spray. It's all they had I guess. Well, she did the best she could - but really, he DID need a haircut! We figured, as much as he loved to torment her - as older brothers do - he could put up with a bit of a bad hair style for the eternity. Heehee! I buttoned up his vest and then started working on his tie. I was going to do a trinity knot. I had the youtube video pulled up. It's very difficult to tie a tie, when the person is not helping. It's hard to move. I ended up tying it twice but it looked GOOD! He would be proud of his mama tying that for him! We spent some more time talking to him.
Something else that happened - a little back story. Tony had a motorcycle. He had specific plans for it. To paint it red, with pin striping. We had a neighbor a street or 2 over from us that did that kind of thing. He had painted my husband's bike. And had actually painted Tony's tank red. Well, steve talked with him about doing a little pin striping on the casket. He said he would love to do it - and wouldn't charge us.
So while at the funeral home, you could smell the paint. So we found - at the foot of the casket, on the top - the pin striping. And it looked fantastic!
Eventually we all sat on the front pew and cried quietly. We could see Grace struggling quite a bit. That was hard to see. It's hard to see your kids struggle and be unable to help them. There is no ointment or bandaid or surgery to fix a broken heart. And this is one of the broken-est types of hearts. We didn't stay a long time. We came back home.
That afternoon, Grace and I took her car to Tony's apartment. We had decided on exactly the things we wanted to display and needed to finish getting all of that. Steve wanted me and Grace to go - so we could have that time together. Grace drove her car - so that Steve could take mine and get it washed and vacuumed. He had some errands to run too, although I can't remember what. We got to his apartment and - yup - still a mess. Ha! That boy! Grace had a laugh at the burned food on the stove. We started going through his things and packing up. There was a point however when I was done emotionally. When the depression and sadness hit me hard. I sat on his couch and hugged his pillow. I looked at all his things. Most had been given to him (furniture for example) but some he had worked hard for. Or had collected over his years growing up. Each item represented him - and the dreams and goals he had. The stage of life he was in. How he wouldn't progress any further here on Earth. He wouldn't go on to college (he had already worked in IT. He had been considering college in the fall - to pursue cybersecurity). He wouldn't eventually open his own fusion restaurant or be a pastry chef. (3 years in culinary in high school. He loved to cook and bake. He wanted to open a restaurant one day with Austin. Or be a pastry chef. Or maybe both!) He wouldn't settle down, get married, maybe have babies. He wouldn't be there to tell me jokes. Or explain math things to me that were way beyond my comprehension. (he used to say "math is my first language". He was super excited about some new prime number that had been discovered). He wouldn't show me videos on fractals. Or do yo-yo tricks. Or solve a rubik's cube in under 30 seconds. Or do some really neat magic trick - like fill an empty coke can and seal it! He wouldn't play cars or trains with his baby brother. He wouldn't give his sister a hard time, or jam to the beastie boys in the car at unbelievable volume. He wouldn't give me that "look" when I went to take a picture. Or give me a hug.
The sadness was heavy. Very heavy. The apartment no longer had his presence. Not like it did that first night. Now it was just sad.
Steve's post 3/21 3:18 pm "Today I experienced the most painful, yet beautiful moment that I have ever experienced in my life. Today, we saw you for the first time since you left. Two of the strongest women I have ever known stood to each side of me. I watched your mother tie the Trinity Knot in your tie, and button your vest. And I watched your sister comb and fix your hair. We spoke with you for a few minutes. We cried. We laughed. And we bowed before God, asked that he would give us strength, and watch over you until we meet again."
My post 3/21 4:17 pm "Today we went to see Tony - first time since the wreck. I keep saying the hardest moment for this or that. Fact is, they are all hard. It's interesting to see the shell of a body. Yeah, it looks like it. But not really. The soul changes a body - gives it life, personality. And that changes how you look. There's comfort in knowing his shell isn't really him. That he's all around me. He's in my memories. He's in my heart.
I learned to tie a trinity knot tho, so he could have a fancy tie knot, like he always loved. He'd be proud. Grace tried to tidy up his hair - he needed a haircut tho. But she did a good job."
Monday, April 4, 2016
Trying to deal with details
Day 2 came. I can't believe I even slept at all. But I did. Maybe just 4 or 5 hours, but I slept. I've always slept late - totally not a morning person. For the first time, I was up with the sun and before Steve.
March 17 6:07 am - my facebook post "I slept some and just woke up. I don't know how to navigate this. Please share your favorite scripture or saying. I need comfort in my soul"
He had gone to Tony's apartment after Grace and I had gone to bed. He went to change the locks - because we didn't know who had a key to Tony's apartment. And we knew he had some electronics that were valuable, as well as possible sentimental things. (maybe we wouldn't have even thought about that - except after Steve's dad died, he had brothers go in to his mom's house and take things they felt were valuable to them and that his mom didn't or shouldn't have. Piece of advice - don't ever do that. It's morally wrong.) Steve brought back some clothes too we had discussed burying Tony in. (He also stopped by the wrecker yard to retrieve items from Tony's car. He went with a friend. He took pictures but won't show them to me. I was told that the driver's side is basically gone - it was crushed in so badly. I'm sure I don't want to see the pictures. The ones in my head are bad enough).
Tony liked 2 things with clothes. Maybe more. But 2 stood out. He LOVED to dress up - he was snazzy when he wanted to be! Nice button ups, vests, ties. He also loved tying those ties in fancy knots! His other was graphic tees. Boy did he own a lot of those! And his love of Vans shoes. He had a red pair that we had given him for Chistmas a couple years prior that he wore completely out!
We wanted to bury him in his fancy dress with a tie tied in a trinity knot. So he had some clothes. He said it was hard and he sat there longer than he needed to (as far as getting stuff) but not longer than he needed to (emotionally).
After we were up, and my friend Stacey showed up (wonderful friends that help at a drop of a hat), Steve and I left to visit funeral homes and stop again at Tony's apartment. My timeline may be off. It's hard to remember and I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks already. (I always wonder, how do people make it 1 year, 5 years, 10? But here we are, almost 3 weeks. Time keeps moving, even if I don't want it) We stopped by his apartment. It was obvious he was a 20 year old bachelor who hated living alone. He was never home to clean up! Holy moly what a mess! There was actually a pan of burned food on the stove (my son wanted to be a chef at some point, took 3 years of culinary in high school, and took pride in his food. And he BURNED food! We had to giggle at that). Clothes everywhere. Trash. Just - a mess. I started cleaning - or picking up - the living room. We were trying to find his important papers - bills, insurance, etc. Honestly, that gave my mind something to do. It wasn't difficult to be there - I thought it would be. I felt he was there too. Maybe that's why it wasn't as hard as I thought.
We went to 2 funeral homes. We didn't have a clear idea of what we wanted, and certainly didn't know what to expect. We didn't have life insurance - my husband had lost a job last year that had great benefits. All of our kids were covered medically and with life insurance. Now, his currently job, had nothing. Maybe it's a kind of blessing he passed instantly too - because he had no medical coverage. And if he'd survived, surely he would have had a long hospital stay - or even lifelong care needed. Anyway - by speaking with these 2 people at the home, we were able to kind of get an idea of cost, and maybe what we would want to do. No plans were made. We came back home.
My sister and her older daughter was there, Faith. My mom. I can't remember if anyone else was there. It seemed like our house had a revolving door for a few days, and everything kind of blurs together.
One thing I forgot to mention - we have a lab. Tony brought her home as a stray, starving puppy last year. We were so MAD! We didn't want a lab. We'd just had to rehome one b/c he liked to chase our chickens (and dig holes, and chew up things). We told him this was HIS dog, and we wouldn't take responsibility for her. Well, of course that changed. Eventually he moved out and couldn't take her with him. So she stayed. Finally in January I scheduled her a vet appt to be spayed. Of course by February we realized that was too late. On March 2, she gave birth to 10 puppies. I told Tony he was a grandpa. haha! On March 14, he came over and met his future roommate here - and they picked out a puppy!
Anyway - so we had Lucy (the lab) in the house with 10 puppies. And because so many people were in and out, as well as possibly the negative emotions, she began to get defensive and protective of her puppies. While we were gone - she bit my 18 yo niece and drew blood. I was mortified! But my friend Stacey was still here when it happened and she is a nurse - and tended to the wound. Faith was ok when we got home. I can't remember if that night or the next day - but moved Lucy and her puppies out to the stables in an enclosed area.
Grace had several friends come over this day as well. And it helped keep her occupied. They made plans for the next time to have a get together at one of the homes and get her out of the house.
Tony had his 2 best friends, Austin and Dylan, come by the house. Dylan was with Tony, in a separate car, when he had the accident. They were actually on their way to Dylan's house when it happened. I don't know if there was a specific reason they wanted to come by. Maybe Dylan felt guilty because he was there? Did they want to say sorry? Were they scared we would be angry? I don't know. I do know that I felt good when they were there. Like a piece of my son was there too. Steve cried. Dylan told us what happened, which we kinda already knew. Austin wasn't there. Austin and Tony were really close. There was a point where we wondered about Austin - like, was he a good influence or not for Tony? Was he just an "Eddie Haskel"? (from the show Leave it to Beaver. Eddie was always polite and nice and charming to the parents but a real hellion when away from the parents). But Tony was fierce about his friendship with him.
We hugged on them, cried. Steve talked to him.
Steve's facebook post March 17 at 4:47pm "2 of Tony's best friends are here at the house. Just hanging out. They came to offer condolences. One of these young men was with my son when he left this world. The other is his closest friend. I cannot feel any anger toward the boys he was with. I feel relieved that they were spared. I held to both these boys, and just cried with them. I asked them to please not let his death be in vain. Please take a lesson. Life is not going to fly by before you can enjoy it all. SLOW DOWN. Not just your speed. Slow down and don't be in such a rush to soak up every experience like it won't be there tomorrow. I want you boys to be old. I don't want your parents to bury you. I want to be a memory and you to be old before you meet this fate. There is so much left to do, but you can't experience it at the pace you are going."
My post at 5:35pm "So grateful for these young men. Especially that they were spared. I told them that they will feel guilt. It's normal. But don't let it consume you. Embrace the good times. Remember the funny moments, happy moments, even the drive-you-up-the-wall moments."
They stayed for maybe 2 hours? I got to spend about an hour on the porch with them just visiting - and talking about some of the fun times. When they left, some of the gloom returned. Like Tony's spirit had left with the boys.
That night, our bishop came by to meet with us. We talked about our funeral plans and began to put ideas on paper. We would completely finalize it the next day, when we went back to the funeral home and cemetery. It was a good meeting with our bishop.
Thursday night I slept again. Maybe just 4 or 5 hours and again, it was dreamless. I woke early and sat on the porch. It was kind of peaceful. I cried some. But it was peaceful also to think about all that was happening.
I found an instagram post. This was on a band nerd page, but one of the leaders/founders of the page was in the same band my son had been - and knew him. (She later told me Tony was her first kiss)
We met with the cemetery at 10 am. That was hard. Where is the perfect space? There were no spaces under trees or in shade. But Tony lived his life wide open - so maybe out in the sun was ok. There were 2 parts of the cemetery - one was more crowded, but cheaper. It was the older section. The newer section was more expensive. But it was likely that in a year or so - we could get spaces next to him, if we decided to do that. There were a couple of young people nearby. And a couple soldiers to look after him. And as we were walking, Steve saw a headstone - it was a dear friend who had passed a few years earlier. He knew it was the right place and I did too.
March 18 11:24 am "Picking your child's final resting place is one of the hardest things to do. And something no parent should have to do this. Yet we have found out many of our friends and family are members of this "grieving parents club". So we know we aren't alone."
We then went to the funeral home. We went with the nicer home - and it was a little pricier but not much. Honestly it didn't matter which one we went with - as far as facilities - because we wouldn't be using them. The nicer one was just closer to us. And once we were done nickle and diming everything - it was essentially the same price. We looked at their coffins. What an awful selection. Not meant for a 20 year old man at all! Baby blue or ruffles or bland. I envisioned a lot of elderly funerals. Not for children, or for young people.
Tony's favorite color was red. So we told the funeral home we would order a coffin online and have it sent there. The funeral home expected Tony's body to be released that afternoon or Saturday. I forgot to mention - that the day it happened, once an hour or so had passed from Steve getting home, he spoke with the medical examiner. Gave some medical history. But also asked about organ donation. (A year and a half previous - Steve's sister lost her 24 year old daughter tragically. Sarah was able to donate her organs. This brought up conversations with our kids. And Tony had agreed to be an organ donor. He was already one on his license - but as a family we had discussed it.) Because he died at the scene of the accident, his organs themselves were not salvageable. And once the tissue donation place called and found out he (and we) had Ehlers Danlos - a connective tissue disorder - he was ruled out there! But the eye donation place said it didn't matter. So maybe he can help someone see. And maybe I can see his eyes again. But even if they don't go to anyone - they will go to science. And he always wanted to help further science.
Anyway - with the donation as well as the autopsy - he should be at the funeral home Saturday perhaps. We also requested from the funeral home - that we could finish dressing him. This would be my last act of service for my boy. I didn't feel right completely dressing him. Mainly because I wasn't sure emotionally I could handle it - but also because he was a young man. In adulthood - in life - he didn't want his mama and daddy to dress him. So we would take the final part only. They said they would call us.
We decided the funeral would be on a Tuesday. It would be a 1 day event - with the viewing and service held in a 2.5 hour time period with the graveside after. This would save us some money but also make it easier on everyone. I've never been a fan of drawing a funeral out - with a viewing one day, a funeral the next and sometimes the graveside on another day. But mainly, sadly, we focused on cost.
We decided to celebrate his life. He was such an interesting and fun loving person, and our family has been filled with laughter and joy. Steve wanted to leave the young people that would attending a sense of peace about it all. They needed to know it was okay to laugh and remember the good times. I feel like funerals can be very depressing. Lots of crying, remember the person but feeling sad because they are gone - and the life that won't get lived. I felt like we would always have sadness or depression because our boy was gone. Maybe not. But it's what I felt at the time. I didn't want to feel depressed and sad on the day we laid him to rest. So we wanted a joyful ceremony. (and Tony was always full of information. He was always learning and doing new things. One of the most common things to come out of his mouth was "Fun fact..." followed by whatever new information he had learned or felt contributed to the conversation.)
My sister had set up a crowdfunding site the night before. She set the goal at 10,000 to hopefully cover the funeral, cemetery, coffin, etc. And with our cost cutting - it would be plenty. In less than 24 hours we had surpassed that goal. She raised the goal to 15,000, simply to give us additional for a headstone, cover any unexpected expenses, time off work, etc. By the time the funeral would roll around, we would reach that goal as well. The day after the funeral, she shut the crowdfund down. We were in awe, though, with that first day of raising funds. Steve has a LOT of friends in the motorcycle community, around the world. And he has a lot of friends in general. Tony had a LOT of friends and coworkers that donated. And me as well. Not to mention strangers. It was touching and humbling. We could bury our boy and not have to worry. And we would find that there were plenty of expenses outside of the funeral! (We would also have friends give us cash, or continue for weeks to receive cards in the mail with cash or checks. One thing I want to say - you could honestly FEEL the paper were desperate themselves to help us somehow. Maybe it was a young person giving just $5 b/c that's all they could spare; or a friend we knew were struggling financially that still gave. It was humbling for sure. I hated being in the position of asking. But this - the money - became one area we didn't have to worry about thanks to people's generosity)
I don't remember how the rest of that day went. People would come by to visit. It was nice to see friends and be comforted. Food would be brought. Jason would be tended. It was a blur.
That night, I do remember, Grace went out with her friends. They played games and had fun and watched movies I think. I know it was good for her to get out of the house - away from the gloomy mood. I was grateful for the good friends she has.
Steve had run an errand - I can't remember what. But he also met with my nephew. Tyler was struggling pretty hard. We wanted to ask Tyler to be a pall bearer but we weren't going to push it - and if he couldn't do it, that was fine. But Steve wanted to meet with him to give him a chance to voice it all. They talked about everything, not just Tony. In the end (maybe that night? Maybe later? I can't remember) Tyler said he would do it; he would be a pall bearer.
While Steve was gone, I was looking for pictures. And I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk - and just started crying. Really hard crying. The gut wrenching cry. The ugly cry. It comes from deep inside and it just pure anguish. I was so devastated that my son, my beautiful, sweet, funny boy was gone. The pain was just awful.
Jason came over and rubbed my shoulder and said "It's okay mommy. I can make it better" (or something like that). I said "I just miss Bubba so much!" (now at this point - we had not formally sat down with Jason and explained death. We didn't know how) Jason said "It's okay Mommy. Bubba is at church with Jesus." I was shocked. Sometimes the veil - the thing that keeps our memory from remembering Heaven, God, Jesus - is so thin in babies. Maybe he understood death in a way that we could not.
Steve came home shortly after and sat on the floor and held me. (One thing we began to notice - my really hard, weak moments, were moments when he was strong. And vice versa) He then suggested we pray. Now, I love my husband and I know he has a belief in God and a faith. But he doesn't show it or say it much. And while he's prayed at home, it's not been (to my memory) something he, himself, iinitiated. He would pray if I asked. Or at meal times. And here he was, leading the family in prayer. And it was such a heartfelt, anguished prayer. Thanking God for things, asking for blessings. And in it - he spoke to Tony. Told him that we loved him, we were proud of him. that we were proud he'd been our son. He said a lot of things that were so touching and personal. It is a moment that sticks with me.
(I remember something else we did that day it happened. Around 1030 that night, I sent Kelly a message. Kelly is Tylie's mom. Tylie is Grace's best friend. Steve spoke with Kelly about the situation. And the reason was this: we knew that once Grace found out, and things calmed down enough for her to go to bed, she would probably send Tylie a message. And we wanted Tylie to be prepared ahead of time. I always wondered if that was the right thing - to tell Grace's best friend before we even told her. But ultimately I did not want her friend to be blown away with the news. I wanted her mom to help her with it - and then maybe she could help Grace. Kelly and Tylie stopped by either Thursday or Friday - I can't remember. I remember Kelly telling me she was in awe that we thought of Tylie at all. But really - that's almost all we did with everyone. It was hard to focus on our own grief - when we were thinking of others. Thinking of Tylie. Thinking of those boys - those friends of Tony's. Thinking of the men that pulled Tony from the car and tried CPR. Thinking of the job the police officers have, especially when they have to notify family of tragedy. And most especially thinking of our living children.)
March 18, 10:18 pm "I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk trying to find a lost cd of pictures. And feeling really down. And then I just lost it. I can't help it. J, in his infinite wisdom and thinner veil than I, says "mommy, it's ok. (He came and rubbed my shoulder) I will make you feel better. It's ok (he hugs me). It's ok. Tears make it better."
March 17 6:07 am - my facebook post "I slept some and just woke up. I don't know how to navigate this. Please share your favorite scripture or saying. I need comfort in my soul"
He had gone to Tony's apartment after Grace and I had gone to bed. He went to change the locks - because we didn't know who had a key to Tony's apartment. And we knew he had some electronics that were valuable, as well as possible sentimental things. (maybe we wouldn't have even thought about that - except after Steve's dad died, he had brothers go in to his mom's house and take things they felt were valuable to them and that his mom didn't or shouldn't have. Piece of advice - don't ever do that. It's morally wrong.) Steve brought back some clothes too we had discussed burying Tony in. (He also stopped by the wrecker yard to retrieve items from Tony's car. He went with a friend. He took pictures but won't show them to me. I was told that the driver's side is basically gone - it was crushed in so badly. I'm sure I don't want to see the pictures. The ones in my head are bad enough).
Tony liked 2 things with clothes. Maybe more. But 2 stood out. He LOVED to dress up - he was snazzy when he wanted to be! Nice button ups, vests, ties. He also loved tying those ties in fancy knots! His other was graphic tees. Boy did he own a lot of those! And his love of Vans shoes. He had a red pair that we had given him for Chistmas a couple years prior that he wore completely out!
We wanted to bury him in his fancy dress with a tie tied in a trinity knot. So he had some clothes. He said it was hard and he sat there longer than he needed to (as far as getting stuff) but not longer than he needed to (emotionally).
After we were up, and my friend Stacey showed up (wonderful friends that help at a drop of a hat), Steve and I left to visit funeral homes and stop again at Tony's apartment. My timeline may be off. It's hard to remember and I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks already. (I always wonder, how do people make it 1 year, 5 years, 10? But here we are, almost 3 weeks. Time keeps moving, even if I don't want it) We stopped by his apartment. It was obvious he was a 20 year old bachelor who hated living alone. He was never home to clean up! Holy moly what a mess! There was actually a pan of burned food on the stove (my son wanted to be a chef at some point, took 3 years of culinary in high school, and took pride in his food. And he BURNED food! We had to giggle at that). Clothes everywhere. Trash. Just - a mess. I started cleaning - or picking up - the living room. We were trying to find his important papers - bills, insurance, etc. Honestly, that gave my mind something to do. It wasn't difficult to be there - I thought it would be. I felt he was there too. Maybe that's why it wasn't as hard as I thought.
We went to 2 funeral homes. We didn't have a clear idea of what we wanted, and certainly didn't know what to expect. We didn't have life insurance - my husband had lost a job last year that had great benefits. All of our kids were covered medically and with life insurance. Now, his currently job, had nothing. Maybe it's a kind of blessing he passed instantly too - because he had no medical coverage. And if he'd survived, surely he would have had a long hospital stay - or even lifelong care needed. Anyway - by speaking with these 2 people at the home, we were able to kind of get an idea of cost, and maybe what we would want to do. No plans were made. We came back home.
My sister and her older daughter was there, Faith. My mom. I can't remember if anyone else was there. It seemed like our house had a revolving door for a few days, and everything kind of blurs together.
One thing I forgot to mention - we have a lab. Tony brought her home as a stray, starving puppy last year. We were so MAD! We didn't want a lab. We'd just had to rehome one b/c he liked to chase our chickens (and dig holes, and chew up things). We told him this was HIS dog, and we wouldn't take responsibility for her. Well, of course that changed. Eventually he moved out and couldn't take her with him. So she stayed. Finally in January I scheduled her a vet appt to be spayed. Of course by February we realized that was too late. On March 2, she gave birth to 10 puppies. I told Tony he was a grandpa. haha! On March 14, he came over and met his future roommate here - and they picked out a puppy!
Anyway - so we had Lucy (the lab) in the house with 10 puppies. And because so many people were in and out, as well as possibly the negative emotions, she began to get defensive and protective of her puppies. While we were gone - she bit my 18 yo niece and drew blood. I was mortified! But my friend Stacey was still here when it happened and she is a nurse - and tended to the wound. Faith was ok when we got home. I can't remember if that night or the next day - but moved Lucy and her puppies out to the stables in an enclosed area.
Grace had several friends come over this day as well. And it helped keep her occupied. They made plans for the next time to have a get together at one of the homes and get her out of the house.
Tony had his 2 best friends, Austin and Dylan, come by the house. Dylan was with Tony, in a separate car, when he had the accident. They were actually on their way to Dylan's house when it happened. I don't know if there was a specific reason they wanted to come by. Maybe Dylan felt guilty because he was there? Did they want to say sorry? Were they scared we would be angry? I don't know. I do know that I felt good when they were there. Like a piece of my son was there too. Steve cried. Dylan told us what happened, which we kinda already knew. Austin wasn't there. Austin and Tony were really close. There was a point where we wondered about Austin - like, was he a good influence or not for Tony? Was he just an "Eddie Haskel"? (from the show Leave it to Beaver. Eddie was always polite and nice and charming to the parents but a real hellion when away from the parents). But Tony was fierce about his friendship with him.
We hugged on them, cried. Steve talked to him.
Steve's facebook post March 17 at 4:47pm "2 of Tony's best friends are here at the house. Just hanging out. They came to offer condolences. One of these young men was with my son when he left this world. The other is his closest friend. I cannot feel any anger toward the boys he was with. I feel relieved that they were spared. I held to both these boys, and just cried with them. I asked them to please not let his death be in vain. Please take a lesson. Life is not going to fly by before you can enjoy it all. SLOW DOWN. Not just your speed. Slow down and don't be in such a rush to soak up every experience like it won't be there tomorrow. I want you boys to be old. I don't want your parents to bury you. I want to be a memory and you to be old before you meet this fate. There is so much left to do, but you can't experience it at the pace you are going."
My post at 5:35pm "So grateful for these young men. Especially that they were spared. I told them that they will feel guilt. It's normal. But don't let it consume you. Embrace the good times. Remember the funny moments, happy moments, even the drive-you-up-the-wall moments."
They stayed for maybe 2 hours? I got to spend about an hour on the porch with them just visiting - and talking about some of the fun times. When they left, some of the gloom returned. Like Tony's spirit had left with the boys.
That night, our bishop came by to meet with us. We talked about our funeral plans and began to put ideas on paper. We would completely finalize it the next day, when we went back to the funeral home and cemetery. It was a good meeting with our bishop.
Thursday night I slept again. Maybe just 4 or 5 hours and again, it was dreamless. I woke early and sat on the porch. It was kind of peaceful. I cried some. But it was peaceful also to think about all that was happening.
I found an instagram post. This was on a band nerd page, but one of the leaders/founders of the page was in the same band my son had been - and knew him. (She later told me Tony was her first kiss)
We met with the cemetery at 10 am. That was hard. Where is the perfect space? There were no spaces under trees or in shade. But Tony lived his life wide open - so maybe out in the sun was ok. There were 2 parts of the cemetery - one was more crowded, but cheaper. It was the older section. The newer section was more expensive. But it was likely that in a year or so - we could get spaces next to him, if we decided to do that. There were a couple of young people nearby. And a couple soldiers to look after him. And as we were walking, Steve saw a headstone - it was a dear friend who had passed a few years earlier. He knew it was the right place and I did too.
March 18 11:24 am "Picking your child's final resting place is one of the hardest things to do. And something no parent should have to do this. Yet we have found out many of our friends and family are members of this "grieving parents club". So we know we aren't alone."
We then went to the funeral home. We went with the nicer home - and it was a little pricier but not much. Honestly it didn't matter which one we went with - as far as facilities - because we wouldn't be using them. The nicer one was just closer to us. And once we were done nickle and diming everything - it was essentially the same price. We looked at their coffins. What an awful selection. Not meant for a 20 year old man at all! Baby blue or ruffles or bland. I envisioned a lot of elderly funerals. Not for children, or for young people.
Tony's favorite color was red. So we told the funeral home we would order a coffin online and have it sent there. The funeral home expected Tony's body to be released that afternoon or Saturday. I forgot to mention - that the day it happened, once an hour or so had passed from Steve getting home, he spoke with the medical examiner. Gave some medical history. But also asked about organ donation. (A year and a half previous - Steve's sister lost her 24 year old daughter tragically. Sarah was able to donate her organs. This brought up conversations with our kids. And Tony had agreed to be an organ donor. He was already one on his license - but as a family we had discussed it.) Because he died at the scene of the accident, his organs themselves were not salvageable. And once the tissue donation place called and found out he (and we) had Ehlers Danlos - a connective tissue disorder - he was ruled out there! But the eye donation place said it didn't matter. So maybe he can help someone see. And maybe I can see his eyes again. But even if they don't go to anyone - they will go to science. And he always wanted to help further science.
Anyway - with the donation as well as the autopsy - he should be at the funeral home Saturday perhaps. We also requested from the funeral home - that we could finish dressing him. This would be my last act of service for my boy. I didn't feel right completely dressing him. Mainly because I wasn't sure emotionally I could handle it - but also because he was a young man. In adulthood - in life - he didn't want his mama and daddy to dress him. So we would take the final part only. They said they would call us.
We decided the funeral would be on a Tuesday. It would be a 1 day event - with the viewing and service held in a 2.5 hour time period with the graveside after. This would save us some money but also make it easier on everyone. I've never been a fan of drawing a funeral out - with a viewing one day, a funeral the next and sometimes the graveside on another day. But mainly, sadly, we focused on cost.
We decided to celebrate his life. He was such an interesting and fun loving person, and our family has been filled with laughter and joy. Steve wanted to leave the young people that would attending a sense of peace about it all. They needed to know it was okay to laugh and remember the good times. I feel like funerals can be very depressing. Lots of crying, remember the person but feeling sad because they are gone - and the life that won't get lived. I felt like we would always have sadness or depression because our boy was gone. Maybe not. But it's what I felt at the time. I didn't want to feel depressed and sad on the day we laid him to rest. So we wanted a joyful ceremony. (and Tony was always full of information. He was always learning and doing new things. One of the most common things to come out of his mouth was "Fun fact..." followed by whatever new information he had learned or felt contributed to the conversation.)
My sister had set up a crowdfunding site the night before. She set the goal at 10,000 to hopefully cover the funeral, cemetery, coffin, etc. And with our cost cutting - it would be plenty. In less than 24 hours we had surpassed that goal. She raised the goal to 15,000, simply to give us additional for a headstone, cover any unexpected expenses, time off work, etc. By the time the funeral would roll around, we would reach that goal as well. The day after the funeral, she shut the crowdfund down. We were in awe, though, with that first day of raising funds. Steve has a LOT of friends in the motorcycle community, around the world. And he has a lot of friends in general. Tony had a LOT of friends and coworkers that donated. And me as well. Not to mention strangers. It was touching and humbling. We could bury our boy and not have to worry. And we would find that there were plenty of expenses outside of the funeral! (We would also have friends give us cash, or continue for weeks to receive cards in the mail with cash or checks. One thing I want to say - you could honestly FEEL the paper were desperate themselves to help us somehow. Maybe it was a young person giving just $5 b/c that's all they could spare; or a friend we knew were struggling financially that still gave. It was humbling for sure. I hated being in the position of asking. But this - the money - became one area we didn't have to worry about thanks to people's generosity)
I don't remember how the rest of that day went. People would come by to visit. It was nice to see friends and be comforted. Food would be brought. Jason would be tended. It was a blur.
That night, I do remember, Grace went out with her friends. They played games and had fun and watched movies I think. I know it was good for her to get out of the house - away from the gloomy mood. I was grateful for the good friends she has.
Steve had run an errand - I can't remember what. But he also met with my nephew. Tyler was struggling pretty hard. We wanted to ask Tyler to be a pall bearer but we weren't going to push it - and if he couldn't do it, that was fine. But Steve wanted to meet with him to give him a chance to voice it all. They talked about everything, not just Tony. In the end (maybe that night? Maybe later? I can't remember) Tyler said he would do it; he would be a pall bearer.
While Steve was gone, I was looking for pictures. And I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk - and just started crying. Really hard crying. The gut wrenching cry. The ugly cry. It comes from deep inside and it just pure anguish. I was so devastated that my son, my beautiful, sweet, funny boy was gone. The pain was just awful.
Jason came over and rubbed my shoulder and said "It's okay mommy. I can make it better" (or something like that). I said "I just miss Bubba so much!" (now at this point - we had not formally sat down with Jason and explained death. We didn't know how) Jason said "It's okay Mommy. Bubba is at church with Jesus." I was shocked. Sometimes the veil - the thing that keeps our memory from remembering Heaven, God, Jesus - is so thin in babies. Maybe he understood death in a way that we could not.
Steve came home shortly after and sat on the floor and held me. (One thing we began to notice - my really hard, weak moments, were moments when he was strong. And vice versa) He then suggested we pray. Now, I love my husband and I know he has a belief in God and a faith. But he doesn't show it or say it much. And while he's prayed at home, it's not been (to my memory) something he, himself, iinitiated. He would pray if I asked. Or at meal times. And here he was, leading the family in prayer. And it was such a heartfelt, anguished prayer. Thanking God for things, asking for blessings. And in it - he spoke to Tony. Told him that we loved him, we were proud of him. that we were proud he'd been our son. He said a lot of things that were so touching and personal. It is a moment that sticks with me.
(I remember something else we did that day it happened. Around 1030 that night, I sent Kelly a message. Kelly is Tylie's mom. Tylie is Grace's best friend. Steve spoke with Kelly about the situation. And the reason was this: we knew that once Grace found out, and things calmed down enough for her to go to bed, she would probably send Tylie a message. And we wanted Tylie to be prepared ahead of time. I always wondered if that was the right thing - to tell Grace's best friend before we even told her. But ultimately I did not want her friend to be blown away with the news. I wanted her mom to help her with it - and then maybe she could help Grace. Kelly and Tylie stopped by either Thursday or Friday - I can't remember. I remember Kelly telling me she was in awe that we thought of Tylie at all. But really - that's almost all we did with everyone. It was hard to focus on our own grief - when we were thinking of others. Thinking of Tylie. Thinking of those boys - those friends of Tony's. Thinking of the men that pulled Tony from the car and tried CPR. Thinking of the job the police officers have, especially when they have to notify family of tragedy. And most especially thinking of our living children.)
March 18, 10:18 pm "I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk trying to find a lost cd of pictures. And feeling really down. And then I just lost it. I can't help it. J, in his infinite wisdom and thinner veil than I, says "mommy, it's ok. (He came and rubbed my shoulder) I will make you feel better. It's ok (he hugs me). It's ok. Tears make it better."
I said I missed Bubba (we haven't told J). He says "it's ok (rubbing my shoulder). Bubba is with Jesus. At church."
A red cardinal stopped and rested on the porch railing while we were outside. The birds never come by when we are outside. Tony loved them bc they are red."
Steve went back to Tony's apartment that night to look for specific things.
March 19 3:41 am - His facebook post "It is 2:45 in the morning. I am just leaving my son's apartment after going to collect some of his clothes and special items for his funeral. Perhaps it was a selfish endeavor to go by myself, but I wanted a moment alone in his presence. I sat in his apartment and spoke to him as if he were there. I collected a few token pieces of who he was to display by his casket. I remembered events in his life that are so precious. I filled a suitcase with these items, along with his acoustic guitar, and I paused for a moment as I locked his door. Almost as if I was expecting him to tell me goodnight.
How do I define the beautiful boy, and the incredible man that my son was, inside the confines of a 2 hour gathering? There is no way."
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