Check in

It's been awhile since I posted last. We have passed the 4 and 5 month marks - and I'm learning if I stay busy on those days, I don't focus on it as much. Thus, it's a little easier to get thru the day.

Jason and I went to a Grief Therapy program in Houston - a facility called Bo's Place. They have lots of therapy options but we attended an 8 week class called Little Friends (for ages 3-5). I'll make a separate post about that.

We had a family activity the other night - painting rocks (a local facebook group started this fun thing - where you paint rocks and leave them around town and people find them and keep or rehide them. Kinda like geocaching or pokemon go). So we all painted rocks (and found out Grace is PHENOMINAL at her art). We enjoyed our time doing it - and for the first time, I didn't feel extra sad that we were doing something Tony couldn't do with it. Maybe it was because it was an activity we had never done before with him. I'm not sure. But I went to bed that night almost feeling a little guilty - that I didn't feel sad. I had to recognize that this was a good thing. I still need to make memories with my kids and they don't need to always be overshadowed by sadness.

A couple months ago - I had a few dreams about Tony. I had begged and pleaded with God to let me dream of my son, to give me some message he was ok. I always read about people getting all these signs that Their loved one is ok. I haven't really gotten that. So I finally dreamed about him - and it wasn't reassuring. I may make a post about those dreams too.

I did end up having a day where 3 things happened that made me FINALLY feel he was telling me he is ok.

We are trying to plan a 21st birthday bash - a memorial birthday party. I need to get on the ball with that. We are also trying to organize his scholarship fund. (and everyone else is having birthdays too coming up - mine is next week, followed by Jason's 4th at the end of the month. Then in November is Grace and Steve's)

Grace wants to invite a friend over for Thanksgiving because she spent it alone last year and it looks like she will again this year. I told her it was fine - but to realize it may also be a hard day for us. I'm hopeful that having a friend over, and possibly going to my sister's, will keep us distracted enough to not focus on the empty seat.

In some ways, I feel the grief has gotten worse. But in therapy, I realized that it is possible I have moved from beyond that "shock" (where we still felt this was a joke, or that he would still walk thru the door) - to "acceptance". That's a hard stage. Accepting that my beautiful boy - this handsome young man so full of life - is now gone. It's very hard to look at pictures and not feel that grief. The pictures, for me, just show how much life he had.

But in some ways I think things are getting easier. Or rather, I've gotten stronger. I don't panic every time Grace leaves the house to drive somewhere. I don't panic every time she forgets to text me that she arrived ok. I can talk about Tony a little more often, without tears.

We are approaching the 6th month mark. Steve will be out of town at that time, and I'm not sure how to keep myself occupied. I dread this anniversary. To know half a year has passed - in a freaking blink of an eye - without hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hug, witnessing his vibrance. It's very difficult.

We are also experiencing facing death in a new way. Steve's mom had another heart attack and was hospitalized in July. This time there was enough damage that she has been placed on hospice. She is currently in a nursing home not far from here and Steve can visit every day. Jason and I go up about 3 or so times a week. But, for me at least, it brings up a lot of emotions about Tony and his death.

I had a neat message from a friend of Tony's. Her grandfather had passed away - and she wanted to know if I could help plan the funeral. She said funerals have always been sad, but Tony's wasn't. At first I was taken aback. But it was also a compliment. Because we really wanted that - for his friends to not have such a sad memory. I didn't help her plan it - but I did tell her the starting point we had for Tony. Who was he? What did he love? What kind of person was he? And how do we honor those memories? How do show others the beautiful person - without making it about our loss and grief?

Jason doesn't talk about Tony as often. He still includes him in the family (when he names people or draws pictures). I do wonder if almost 6 months is taking its toll on his memory. It makes me so so so sad to think about Jason not growing up with his fantastic older brother. I hope we can do a good job of keeping his memory alive.

I think Grace is struggling. And I think this is what we sort of expected. Marching Band is in full swing. Grace is a drum line leader. She's playing snare again this year. However, the percussion director has left and a new director came in, but he doesn't know percussion. So there is a lot of stress on her - both as a leader this year - and as a possible teacher since they don't have that. She had a breakdown the other night - crying and letting out all the stress and frustration with band and school. She doesn't talk about Tony much. Occasionally mentioning a memory but she never talks about his death. I am considering taking her to Bo's place after marching season - even if she doesn't want me to. Just to see if it helps her. I feel she needs to connect with other people, her age, that lost someone. But also - that are dealing with parents that are grieving. I think that might be the hardest for her - maybe she doesn't feel she can talk about it. Or maybe she feels like she isn't grieving correctly. I'm SO open with my grief, and Steve is stoic and rarely talks too. I worry a lot about her.

My faith is practically non-existant these days. I've lost faith mostly in the people in my ward as a source of strength. I need to put that aside and go to church for me. But my ward is a difficult one. Many people have left over the years and talked about how different it is elsewhere. I attend very occasionally with my mom at her ward. There's such a difference there for me. I feel, in a way, several of those members care more about me and my family and our grief - than my own ward. But I'm currently bitter and not really wanting to let go of that either. I need to find a place where I'm comfortable letting go of that grief. Mom is praying for me.

I guess that's pretty much what's happened since my last post.

The days after

Wednesday came. Steve went to work. I was sad about that. I still needed him. But he felt he needed to get back to work - and supporting us financially.

We got a slow start to the day but picked up Ashley at the hotel for lunch. She missed CiCi's Pizza - I guess they didn't have it in Indiana, where she lived. We decided not to go to the one in our town - because there had been a lot of negative reviews there lately (on cleanliness mostly). So we drove to League City where there's a nicer one. Ashley realized fairly quickly that memories and reality don't always match. Ha! The pizza was okay but it wasn't great.

Steve ended up meeting us there. He had realized he wasn't ready to go back to work. We had a pretty good lunch. Jason insisted on a Dr. Pepper. I thought that was interesting. I'm like root beer and my kids have always started out that way. Tony eventually "betrayed" me and went to Dr. Pepper. That was his dad's favorite too. Well, Jason had always asked for root beer. This was his first time to ask for a Dr. Pepper. (And he continues to as well) Thanks Tony!

After lunch, we stopped by the store and bought some cookies and cards. I wrote out 2 thank you cards (the only ones I've done so far - even now). We drove to the police station. Officer C wasn't in, nor any of the officers that worked the wreck. So we left the cookies and the card. A lady gave Jason a stuffed dog. He calls it a bear and named it "ker-ker". It had a red scarf.

We took the other cookies and card to the business that Tony wrecked. 2 of the men there had tried to save Tony and we wanted to meet them and say thank you. That was hard for me. We met them, shook their hands, and told them thank you. It was kind of awkward actually. I felt good going but it just seemed awkward. We did find out that they had never received insurance information for their property damage claim. So we said we would look into that.

We came back to the house and visited. That night we went out to eat. I really struggled so we didn't stay a long time. It was hard being around people that were laughing and enjoying each other's company.

The next day, Thursday, was the last day here for Ashley. Steve picked her up and got her checked out of the hotel. We visited. We talked a little about the past. She asked some questions that had bothered her. It was interesting to hear her perspective too - like being shocked that some people at the funeral were so nice to her. Her last memory of those people, she said she was very mean and angry. That they would have been justified in not being nice to her, or talking to her at all. She also acknowledged briefly how she acted with us in the past. It showed a lot of maturity and gave me hope that any future relationship might be successful.

In no time at all she was needing to leave for the airport. We said our good-byes and Steve drove her there. Later that night, we would hear from her that there were issues. Apparently storms in Georgia had caused delays. Ashley's plane landed in Alabama for a couple hours for that I think, as well as plane problems. They finally got on their way but when they landed, the connecting flight had just left. My friend Crysty had already scheduled a new flight - and it wouldn't leave until the next morning. Ashley didn't want to go to a hotel, so she stayed at the airport all night. Because we could only communicate via email - it was difficult to keep in touch or get updates or make sure she was ok. Friday late morning we got word that she was in Indiana and on her way home. Once she was home, she said she was going to bed. I could breathe a little better knowing she was home.

My sister posted this on March 23 "My sister amazes me everyday. I have no idea how she can't just scream at the world and just say "F#@& off". I mean she yelled at me then apologized later. I know everyone thinks I did a great job helping my sister, but reality, that's how I cope while trying not to scream at the world. I would be so angry with his friends. He was my nephew, not my son and I just can't deal. I don't want to see people, I don't want to leave the house, I just want to lay in bed and cry. I feel guilty being this sad. I've never seen my kids hurt so bad.

My sister Melanie (and BIL Steve) have shown me what Grace really is. They not only forgave the young men but welcomed in their home, hugged them, loved on them, cried with them. Because I witnessed this, I was able to take the anger and show love for these young men. My nephew had amazing friends. These guys hugged everyone of us, they needed that I think more than we did. While my nephew was just having fun with friends, his friends have a whole other level of pain that none of us could even understand.

My sister showed me what Grace, Hope and Love really is. I never fully understood it until now.
God has been with her every step of the way and it shows to everyone, it shows.

Because of her, should I ever endure this pain, I know she will be there, reminding me to have Hope God's plan is bigger, To give Love because no matter the circumstances everyone needs it and show Grace because because while we are sinners we've been saved by Grace. I love you little sister. I love you to my brother, my nieces and Jason. "