It's been awhile since I posted last. We have passed the 4 and 5 month marks - and I'm learning if I stay busy on those days, I don't focus on it as much. Thus, it's a little easier to get thru the day.
Jason and I went to a Grief Therapy program in Houston - a facility called Bo's Place. They have lots of therapy options but we attended an 8 week class called Little Friends (for ages 3-5). I'll make a separate post about that.
We had a family activity the other night - painting rocks (a local facebook group started this fun thing - where you paint rocks and leave them around town and people find them and keep or rehide them. Kinda like geocaching or pokemon go). So we all painted rocks (and found out Grace is PHENOMINAL at her art). We enjoyed our time doing it - and for the first time, I didn't feel extra sad that we were doing something Tony couldn't do with it. Maybe it was because it was an activity we had never done before with him. I'm not sure. But I went to bed that night almost feeling a little guilty - that I didn't feel sad. I had to recognize that this was a good thing. I still need to make memories with my kids and they don't need to always be overshadowed by sadness.
A couple months ago - I had a few dreams about Tony. I had begged and pleaded with God to let me dream of my son, to give me some message he was ok. I always read about people getting all these signs that Their loved one is ok. I haven't really gotten that. So I finally dreamed about him - and it wasn't reassuring. I may make a post about those dreams too.
I did end up having a day where 3 things happened that made me FINALLY feel he was telling me he is ok.
We are trying to plan a 21st birthday bash - a memorial birthday party. I need to get on the ball with that. We are also trying to organize his scholarship fund. (and everyone else is having birthdays too coming up - mine is next week, followed by Jason's 4th at the end of the month. Then in November is Grace and Steve's)
Grace wants to invite a friend over for Thanksgiving because she spent it alone last year and it looks like she will again this year. I told her it was fine - but to realize it may also be a hard day for us. I'm hopeful that having a friend over, and possibly going to my sister's, will keep us distracted enough to not focus on the empty seat.
In some ways, I feel the grief has gotten worse. But in therapy, I realized that it is possible I have moved from beyond that "shock" (where we still felt this was a joke, or that he would still walk thru the door) - to "acceptance". That's a hard stage. Accepting that my beautiful boy - this handsome young man so full of life - is now gone. It's very hard to look at pictures and not feel that grief. The pictures, for me, just show how much life he had.
But in some ways I think things are getting easier. Or rather, I've gotten stronger. I don't panic every time Grace leaves the house to drive somewhere. I don't panic every time she forgets to text me that she arrived ok. I can talk about Tony a little more often, without tears.
We are approaching the 6th month mark. Steve will be out of town at that time, and I'm not sure how to keep myself occupied. I dread this anniversary. To know half a year has passed - in a freaking blink of an eye - without hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hug, witnessing his vibrance. It's very difficult.
We are also experiencing facing death in a new way. Steve's mom had another heart attack and was hospitalized in July. This time there was enough damage that she has been placed on hospice. She is currently in a nursing home not far from here and Steve can visit every day. Jason and I go up about 3 or so times a week. But, for me at least, it brings up a lot of emotions about Tony and his death.
I had a neat message from a friend of Tony's. Her grandfather had passed away - and she wanted to know if I could help plan the funeral. She said funerals have always been sad, but Tony's wasn't. At first I was taken aback. But it was also a compliment. Because we really wanted that - for his friends to not have such a sad memory. I didn't help her plan it - but I did tell her the starting point we had for Tony. Who was he? What did he love? What kind of person was he? And how do we honor those memories? How do show others the beautiful person - without making it about our loss and grief?
Jason doesn't talk about Tony as often. He still includes him in the family (when he names people or draws pictures). I do wonder if almost 6 months is taking its toll on his memory. It makes me so so so sad to think about Jason not growing up with his fantastic older brother. I hope we can do a good job of keeping his memory alive.
I think Grace is struggling. And I think this is what we sort of expected. Marching Band is in full swing. Grace is a drum line leader. She's playing snare again this year. However, the percussion director has left and a new director came in, but he doesn't know percussion. So there is a lot of stress on her - both as a leader this year - and as a possible teacher since they don't have that. She had a breakdown the other night - crying and letting out all the stress and frustration with band and school. She doesn't talk about Tony much. Occasionally mentioning a memory but she never talks about his death. I am considering taking her to Bo's place after marching season - even if she doesn't want me to. Just to see if it helps her. I feel she needs to connect with other people, her age, that lost someone. But also - that are dealing with parents that are grieving. I think that might be the hardest for her - maybe she doesn't feel she can talk about it. Or maybe she feels like she isn't grieving correctly. I'm SO open with my grief, and Steve is stoic and rarely talks too. I worry a lot about her.
My faith is practically non-existant these days. I've lost faith mostly in the people in my ward as a source of strength. I need to put that aside and go to church for me. But my ward is a difficult one. Many people have left over the years and talked about how different it is elsewhere. I attend very occasionally with my mom at her ward. There's such a difference there for me. I feel, in a way, several of those members care more about me and my family and our grief - than my own ward. But I'm currently bitter and not really wanting to let go of that either. I need to find a place where I'm comfortable letting go of that grief. Mom is praying for me.
I guess that's pretty much what's happened since my last post.
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Celebration of Life
The day of the funeral came. I was happy and sad and all the emotions in between. Nervous. Anxious. Worried.
We got dressed and left to go pick up Ashley. I was very nervous about this. I hadn't seen her in a few years and, until recently, past communication hadn't been easy or pleasant. As a youth and young adult, Ashley had a lot of bitterness and anger. Some deserved, some misplaced. As parents navigating an unfamiliar path, we didn't always handle things the best way or the most compassionate. I was worried how this reunion would go. Also, I was worried about ME - my reaction. I didn't have a lot of emotional reserve and was worried I would lash out or not have patience. Luckily, it went well. She came and got in the truck. We drove to the church.
We arrived around 10 am to set up the church. The bishop and a few other people were there - to open the building, to help set up, to entertain Jason. My sister arrived shortly thereafter and took control. I heard later Steve pulled her aside to tell her to let me make some decisions or give me space or something. I honestly don't remember. But I do remember when he told me - I was confused because I felt Melissa handled it perfectly. I truly had NO idea, now that it was here, how exactly to set up. The chairs and tables were already set up. They had seating for about 75 people. We asked that another section of the gym be opened. (our gym can be divided into 3 classrooms. They had 2 sections open. We wanted all 3. ) So we brought in a few more small tables, a long one, more chairs. We started organizing how the tables would be set up. The girls took the pictures and started tacking them up. We hung his chef coat and aprons on the wall. We hung up his Texans jersey that said A. Johnson - as well as the picture of him receiving it as a gift, and the selfie he took of him and the football star (in the background - haha). We displayed a table of his cards and magic cards, his rubiks cubes, his yo-yo's, etc. One table for graduation. Two tables with music - his trombone, his bass guitar, his folder filled with music. One table had his accoustic guitar with a sign and markers - for friends and family to sign. One table had a beautiful jar a sweet lady, Ann, from church, had made - with cards and pens (and a sign) - for people to write down thoughts or memories for us to read later. Cards and pens were also spread throughout the gym. We had a table with his graphic tees (just a handful) and his red vans - worn completely thru. We had a poster size pic of Tony, as a kid, wearing a basketball style shirt that said "play every game like it's your last gave EVER" - which is exactly like he lived his life. We had a guest sign book. The chairs were set up like a cafe.
The ladies from church were setting up food; the programs were set out (our family was given some color copies). Some people were starting to show up. Honestly, I have no idea how Jason made it to the nursery. (Normally, a nursery isn't provided. We have a friend, who's daughter wanted to help in that way. Plus a couple of the young women helped. I'm honestly not even sure who helped there.) I feel conflicted at times - did we handle Jason appropriately? At 3.5, would he have understood the emotions? Would he have run around and caused havoc? Would he have felt confused about his brother? We ended up deciding that the best thing was to let him play in the nursery, and not see his brother in casket. We didn't want his memories to be muddled with confusion - why doesn't Bubba wake up? Why doesn't Bubba get up and play with me? But sometimes I wonder if we should have included him more. It's so difficult to know the right things to do - when you're struggling to make sense of everything yourself!
I also worried - how will people respond to our funeral? This wasn't going to be the typical, quiet, subdued funeral. This wasn't a wake - but we were celebrating our TIME we had with Tony, the person he was, our memories!
At 1130 we, as a family, went into the Relief Society room and had a prayer, and everyone got to see Tony. We put on an old pair of glasses and it really made a difference. We had added pictures in and on the coffin. Steve, Grace and I had already seen him of course, so it wasn't as hard for us. My nephew especially cried hard. My younger niece. People started to come in around 1150 or so. And from that point on I don't think I got a second to breathe or thing. We made our way, thru hugs and condolences, to the gym. We walked into a packed house! And it only got more crowded from there! We started with a prayer, and a song (How Great Thou Art). Steve explained how things would run. 45 min of mingling, 45 min of more formal sharing, then the special music, eulogy, words from the bishop and then close. Followed by the graveside for those that wanted to attend.
Austin and Dylan arrived, I remember that. That was the first time that day I cried. Hugging those young men. From that point - it was near constant hugs, visiting, people, people, people everywhere! There was SO MANY young people! I found out that the high school had not questioned some kids that wanted to leave for the funeral. Band students. Some of his previous coworkers (after graduation he worked for the school district in the IT department). I got to meet a parent and a boy that Tony had tutored. She said they'd only known him since January but that Tony had changed her son's life. Wow! I saw a lot of family; a LOT of friends. At one point I wanted to go see Jason. Being an introvert, such crowds can be exhausting. But I couldn't walk 1 or 2 feet without someone there.
And I'm not complaining! It was beautiful! He was SO loved! I heard many stories of how these young people knew him - of the help he gave or the support he lent or the kind of friend he was. As his mama, it made my heart proud to know my son, my beautiful son, had touched so many lives in such a positive way! It's something parents hope for.
I did make it to the RS room to see how things were there. Lots of young people sitting in there quietly visiting or crying. Grace was in there. We were able to laugh for a few minutes at some silly things.
The next part was starting - and Steve started by sharing. I honestly can't remember what he said. I know he had a message to the young people to savor their life, don't rush through it. He invited anyone to come share but asked that they respect that we were in a church, so keep the language clean. Beyond that I don't remember.
I knew I was speaking next. I had known that for a couple days. I had no clue what to say. I tried the night before writing it out but it kept ending up pages long. What do you say? So I read the obituary. But I would stop throughout and share little tidbits. Such as how Tony got stitches at 3 because he did acrobats off the couch and hit the coffee table; how he shoved a rock up his nose; how he broke his nose in 1st grade because he flipped off the swing. He broke an arm and almost an elbow jumping a ditch on his bicycle and crashing on a scooter. I shared some of the fun things he did as he got older. His love of band. His love of math. Of learning. I shared many things but really don't remember a lot. I tried to make it light hearted. I do remember towards the end - I tried to encourage others to not dwell on what we don't have - how we don't have him here anymore, or how he won't get to do certain things. We needed to focus on what we DID have. The memories. The fun.
I had realized a couple days prior - we got 20 years with him; 20 years we almost didn't get! When he was 2 months old, he almost died. Christmas day, 1995. He had been sick for weeks. In and out of the hospital, ER visits, etc. Steve insisted on taking him to the ER Christmas night - and I wanted to wait til the next day. I was tired of being sent home with nothing wrong or no answers. Steve prevailed and we headed downtown. By the time we got to the hospital, Tony was blue and lifeless. He was intubated, had a collapsed lung and needed a chest tube and overall was critical. They found he had a bowel obstruction as well and needed emergency surgery. During the surgery - they found he had a small hole in his diaphragm - and had a part of his colon pushed through into his chest cavity. He also had RSV! He recovered and never slowed down. We got 20 years with him. And need to focus on that! Those blessed years full of laughter, family and happiness!
My daughter Grace spoke next. She shared a favorite memory of driving in his car with the music blasting and both of them dancing in their seats. Sadly I don't remember what anyone shared, except 2 people. After Grace, Austin, then Dylan spoke. Austin talked about how his home life wasn't great, and how Tony would hang out with him, watch movies with him, keep him company - and how it made him feel better. (Austin also shared with us at a different time, how he was involved in a lot of things that weren't good. And that Tony helped him become better, and leave those things behind. Dylan's mom shared with me - that she never worried about Dylan when he was with Tony) Then JT. I think my nephew Tyler went next. I still giggle at that one! He announced to God and everyone there that he was "kind of a pot head". He shared a memory - his 21st birthday. Exactly 1 year earlier. (yes, the funeral was on my nephew's 22 birthday) My nephew was at his apartment, planning to drink. Tony stopped by. He didn't drink - but he did smoke a little marijuana. And got sick. He threw up on Tyler's patio - red puke. And Tyler made Tony come back the next day to clean it up! (months later Tony would share that with us) Another friend, Chris, shared the first time he'd met Tony. (I think) How they were exploring an abandoned building - as a potential place to shoot a video they had planned. One of the rooms had a bunch of broken tiles - and many were stuck in the walls. They started picking up the broken tiles on the floor and throwing them at the walls to get them to stick. I don't remember all of the memory - but Tony had shared that with me just a few weeks prior! (We were close with Tony - we didn't always approve of his decisions. but we loved him unconditionally, and supported his free agency to make his own decisions; and to choose his own path). I remember after this I went up to the microphone and reminded everyone that I *knew* my son wasn't a perfect angel. Everyone laughed. I remember at one point my daughter announced she was single. That brought laughs as well. A few other friends shared memories. We didn't get to as many people as we'd hoped because that 45 minutes was up already! It was nice to kind of laugh and remember the good things!
Grace and Hannah sang a song by Queen - "You're my best friend". Tony loved all music but classic rock was his favorite. And Queen was his overall favorite. So it was fitting. And beautiful. His friend, and Hannah's sister, Gretchen, accompanied on the piano.
Our friend Mike then delivered the eulogy. I don't remember what he said. He gave us a copy of it. I have it somewhere. I remember it was beautiful. I wish I could remember it now. The bishop spoke after that. He touched a little on our belief of the plan of salvation. And this is just a stopping place for a time in that plan. We had a closing song (In the Garden) and a prayer. Everyone would then begin to make their way to their cars - and we, his family, would go say our final good-bye as the coffin was closed. It took some time to get to the room because I was stopped constantly on that way. So much love! We went in - said our good-byes - cried some - and they closed the lid. There were some momentos his friends had left. I don't know the meaning. I know one was a stuffed horse. The friend explained it to someone - and in the card - that when he moved out, it brought him comfort and kept him company. And he was giving it to Tony. What a sweet gesture! I put a guitar pick in his vest pocket. Steve put the King of Hearts in his other pocket.
Posted by Mike Lingerfelt on facebook: "Today I had the difficult but honorable task of giving the eulogy for my friends 20 year old son. But one theme I heard over and over again in connection with Tony was "selflessness." Tony touched so many peoples lives and as they shared their "moments" it because abundantly clear the full life is the selfless life of loving and caring for others. One young lady said he would occasionally check on her and when she was having a bad day he should go and sit with her and they would watch cartoons just to laugh together so she could feel better. I pray that I can impact peoples lives and love people like Tony did. I will say he came by it honestly because his daddy Steve and momma Melanie are just that way also."
The pall bearers carried the coffin to the front of the church and out to the car. We would have left then - except we had to find Jason! He was running around with a boy from church! So we held everyone up for a bit. But we found it and got him loaded up and then off to the cemetery.
We had 3 police escorts - 2 on motorcycles. It was a pretty long procession. When we finally arrived at the cemetery - we found out one of the police officers had been hit on his motorcycle. He was injured and his bike was totaled. But he would be okay. I was so sad and overwhelmed - here we were burying our son/brother/grandson/nephew/friend - because of a car accident. And another accident happens! I immediately asked our bishop to pray for him. So we said a prayer. I think it was just me, Steve and Bishop. But I needed that prayer maybe more than the officer did. I needed to not feel angry at the driver or the careless way people drive, or the inattentive drivers, or the selfish drivers that don't respect funeral processions. The prayer helped.
My mother in law was helped from her car to the chairs by 2 of Tony's friends. One was dressed nicely and the other was dressed more casual (we asked people to come as they wanted - we didn't want a formal affair. Wear red if they wished, and wear what they would when they were with Tony). This man had large holes in his ears where gauges had been and he was covered in tattoos. It was such a beautiful sight - because it totally represented how our son viewed people. Or rather, didn't view people. They were just people. They weren't based on their clothes, their appearance, their religion, their politics, anything. He just liked people for being good people. And these were good young men.
We took our seats. We played a song (This is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham). Bishop spoke a few words on the resurrection and then Jason Mosis - who had baptised him at a young, tender 8 years old - dedicated the grave. Then that was it. The long line of coming to hug the family began. It seemed never ending. I'm still amazed at how many people came to pay respects - how many lives were touched or influenced by my son! We visited with some folks and they gradually made their way to their cars and left. Eventually we left as well. It was surreal - because I left without feeling like I was leaving my son there. I don't know if it was because I have faith that he isn't truly there? Or maybe it was the "shock" part of the grief cycle? (which just means - it doesn't feel real) Why did I walk away without hardly a look back at the coffin? We found out later that 1 or 2 young men had stayed behind. They stayed with Tony until it was time to lower him into the ground. And then they helped. What a beautiful gesture! I get choked up thinking about that service!
There were so many people there that stand out - and yet there are still more that came. I saw teachers - from elementary school through high school. His band directors. Obviously lots of young people who knew him from band. His current work people showed up. People from his job at the school. Church people of course, even those young poeple that I didn't know. I have a group of friends I met online about 15 or so years ago. They live all over. 4 of them came (from dallas and close by, from austin, from west houston). And they brought the love from the rest of the group. People from Steve's old job (that he'd lost the year before). And his current job. Local friends. Motorcycle buddies that had become like family. Some had known Tony since he was a pre-teen or even younger. Family I hadn't seen in a long time. My cousin with her 3 babies - that I had seen the morning of the bad day. It was estimated about 300 people showed up. It was standing room only in the gym - and both foyers and hallways were packed and the room with the casket had people too.
We came back to the house and my sister ran back to the church to get all the stuff. A LOT of stuff we had taken to display! Plus all the food and flowers! We had a few friends, plus family, and Grace had a few friends come over. It was a busy late afternoon. It was good to visit - and it was a distraction from the actual issue. The death. The loss. It was fun to talk about memories we all had of each other - but also about Tony. My friend Anna - one of my besties from high school - had her son Mason here. Jason and Mason played together and were so cute! Eventually everyone left. We were left to decompress from it all. Come together as a family. We stayed up late visiting with Ashley and then got her back to her hotel room.
Today was a good day. As good as can be when you bury your love, your child. Sad, yes - but good and full of new memories.
We got dressed and left to go pick up Ashley. I was very nervous about this. I hadn't seen her in a few years and, until recently, past communication hadn't been easy or pleasant. As a youth and young adult, Ashley had a lot of bitterness and anger. Some deserved, some misplaced. As parents navigating an unfamiliar path, we didn't always handle things the best way or the most compassionate. I was worried how this reunion would go. Also, I was worried about ME - my reaction. I didn't have a lot of emotional reserve and was worried I would lash out or not have patience. Luckily, it went well. She came and got in the truck. We drove to the church.
We arrived around 10 am to set up the church. The bishop and a few other people were there - to open the building, to help set up, to entertain Jason. My sister arrived shortly thereafter and took control. I heard later Steve pulled her aside to tell her to let me make some decisions or give me space or something. I honestly don't remember. But I do remember when he told me - I was confused because I felt Melissa handled it perfectly. I truly had NO idea, now that it was here, how exactly to set up. The chairs and tables were already set up. They had seating for about 75 people. We asked that another section of the gym be opened. (our gym can be divided into 3 classrooms. They had 2 sections open. We wanted all 3. ) So we brought in a few more small tables, a long one, more chairs. We started organizing how the tables would be set up. The girls took the pictures and started tacking them up. We hung his chef coat and aprons on the wall. We hung up his Texans jersey that said A. Johnson - as well as the picture of him receiving it as a gift, and the selfie he took of him and the football star (in the background - haha). We displayed a table of his cards and magic cards, his rubiks cubes, his yo-yo's, etc. One table for graduation. Two tables with music - his trombone, his bass guitar, his folder filled with music. One table had his accoustic guitar with a sign and markers - for friends and family to sign. One table had a beautiful jar a sweet lady, Ann, from church, had made - with cards and pens (and a sign) - for people to write down thoughts or memories for us to read later. Cards and pens were also spread throughout the gym. We had a table with his graphic tees (just a handful) and his red vans - worn completely thru. We had a poster size pic of Tony, as a kid, wearing a basketball style shirt that said "play every game like it's your last gave EVER" - which is exactly like he lived his life. We had a guest sign book. The chairs were set up like a cafe.
The ladies from church were setting up food; the programs were set out (our family was given some color copies). Some people were starting to show up. Honestly, I have no idea how Jason made it to the nursery. (Normally, a nursery isn't provided. We have a friend, who's daughter wanted to help in that way. Plus a couple of the young women helped. I'm honestly not even sure who helped there.) I feel conflicted at times - did we handle Jason appropriately? At 3.5, would he have understood the emotions? Would he have run around and caused havoc? Would he have felt confused about his brother? We ended up deciding that the best thing was to let him play in the nursery, and not see his brother in casket. We didn't want his memories to be muddled with confusion - why doesn't Bubba wake up? Why doesn't Bubba get up and play with me? But sometimes I wonder if we should have included him more. It's so difficult to know the right things to do - when you're struggling to make sense of everything yourself!
I also worried - how will people respond to our funeral? This wasn't going to be the typical, quiet, subdued funeral. This wasn't a wake - but we were celebrating our TIME we had with Tony, the person he was, our memories!
At 1130 we, as a family, went into the Relief Society room and had a prayer, and everyone got to see Tony. We put on an old pair of glasses and it really made a difference. We had added pictures in and on the coffin. Steve, Grace and I had already seen him of course, so it wasn't as hard for us. My nephew especially cried hard. My younger niece. People started to come in around 1150 or so. And from that point on I don't think I got a second to breathe or thing. We made our way, thru hugs and condolences, to the gym. We walked into a packed house! And it only got more crowded from there! We started with a prayer, and a song (How Great Thou Art). Steve explained how things would run. 45 min of mingling, 45 min of more formal sharing, then the special music, eulogy, words from the bishop and then close. Followed by the graveside for those that wanted to attend.
Austin and Dylan arrived, I remember that. That was the first time that day I cried. Hugging those young men. From that point - it was near constant hugs, visiting, people, people, people everywhere! There was SO MANY young people! I found out that the high school had not questioned some kids that wanted to leave for the funeral. Band students. Some of his previous coworkers (after graduation he worked for the school district in the IT department). I got to meet a parent and a boy that Tony had tutored. She said they'd only known him since January but that Tony had changed her son's life. Wow! I saw a lot of family; a LOT of friends. At one point I wanted to go see Jason. Being an introvert, such crowds can be exhausting. But I couldn't walk 1 or 2 feet without someone there.
And I'm not complaining! It was beautiful! He was SO loved! I heard many stories of how these young people knew him - of the help he gave or the support he lent or the kind of friend he was. As his mama, it made my heart proud to know my son, my beautiful son, had touched so many lives in such a positive way! It's something parents hope for.
I did make it to the RS room to see how things were there. Lots of young people sitting in there quietly visiting or crying. Grace was in there. We were able to laugh for a few minutes at some silly things.
The next part was starting - and Steve started by sharing. I honestly can't remember what he said. I know he had a message to the young people to savor their life, don't rush through it. He invited anyone to come share but asked that they respect that we were in a church, so keep the language clean. Beyond that I don't remember.
I knew I was speaking next. I had known that for a couple days. I had no clue what to say. I tried the night before writing it out but it kept ending up pages long. What do you say? So I read the obituary. But I would stop throughout and share little tidbits. Such as how Tony got stitches at 3 because he did acrobats off the couch and hit the coffee table; how he shoved a rock up his nose; how he broke his nose in 1st grade because he flipped off the swing. He broke an arm and almost an elbow jumping a ditch on his bicycle and crashing on a scooter. I shared some of the fun things he did as he got older. His love of band. His love of math. Of learning. I shared many things but really don't remember a lot. I tried to make it light hearted. I do remember towards the end - I tried to encourage others to not dwell on what we don't have - how we don't have him here anymore, or how he won't get to do certain things. We needed to focus on what we DID have. The memories. The fun.
I had realized a couple days prior - we got 20 years with him; 20 years we almost didn't get! When he was 2 months old, he almost died. Christmas day, 1995. He had been sick for weeks. In and out of the hospital, ER visits, etc. Steve insisted on taking him to the ER Christmas night - and I wanted to wait til the next day. I was tired of being sent home with nothing wrong or no answers. Steve prevailed and we headed downtown. By the time we got to the hospital, Tony was blue and lifeless. He was intubated, had a collapsed lung and needed a chest tube and overall was critical. They found he had a bowel obstruction as well and needed emergency surgery. During the surgery - they found he had a small hole in his diaphragm - and had a part of his colon pushed through into his chest cavity. He also had RSV! He recovered and never slowed down. We got 20 years with him. And need to focus on that! Those blessed years full of laughter, family and happiness!
My daughter Grace spoke next. She shared a favorite memory of driving in his car with the music blasting and both of them dancing in their seats. Sadly I don't remember what anyone shared, except 2 people. After Grace, Austin, then Dylan spoke. Austin talked about how his home life wasn't great, and how Tony would hang out with him, watch movies with him, keep him company - and how it made him feel better. (Austin also shared with us at a different time, how he was involved in a lot of things that weren't good. And that Tony helped him become better, and leave those things behind. Dylan's mom shared with me - that she never worried about Dylan when he was with Tony) Then JT. I think my nephew Tyler went next. I still giggle at that one! He announced to God and everyone there that he was "kind of a pot head". He shared a memory - his 21st birthday. Exactly 1 year earlier. (yes, the funeral was on my nephew's 22 birthday) My nephew was at his apartment, planning to drink. Tony stopped by. He didn't drink - but he did smoke a little marijuana. And got sick. He threw up on Tyler's patio - red puke. And Tyler made Tony come back the next day to clean it up! (months later Tony would share that with us) Another friend, Chris, shared the first time he'd met Tony. (I think) How they were exploring an abandoned building - as a potential place to shoot a video they had planned. One of the rooms had a bunch of broken tiles - and many were stuck in the walls. They started picking up the broken tiles on the floor and throwing them at the walls to get them to stick. I don't remember all of the memory - but Tony had shared that with me just a few weeks prior! (We were close with Tony - we didn't always approve of his decisions. but we loved him unconditionally, and supported his free agency to make his own decisions; and to choose his own path). I remember after this I went up to the microphone and reminded everyone that I *knew* my son wasn't a perfect angel. Everyone laughed. I remember at one point my daughter announced she was single. That brought laughs as well. A few other friends shared memories. We didn't get to as many people as we'd hoped because that 45 minutes was up already! It was nice to kind of laugh and remember the good things!
Grace and Hannah sang a song by Queen - "You're my best friend". Tony loved all music but classic rock was his favorite. And Queen was his overall favorite. So it was fitting. And beautiful. His friend, and Hannah's sister, Gretchen, accompanied on the piano.
Our friend Mike then delivered the eulogy. I don't remember what he said. He gave us a copy of it. I have it somewhere. I remember it was beautiful. I wish I could remember it now. The bishop spoke after that. He touched a little on our belief of the plan of salvation. And this is just a stopping place for a time in that plan. We had a closing song (In the Garden) and a prayer. Everyone would then begin to make their way to their cars - and we, his family, would go say our final good-bye as the coffin was closed. It took some time to get to the room because I was stopped constantly on that way. So much love! We went in - said our good-byes - cried some - and they closed the lid. There were some momentos his friends had left. I don't know the meaning. I know one was a stuffed horse. The friend explained it to someone - and in the card - that when he moved out, it brought him comfort and kept him company. And he was giving it to Tony. What a sweet gesture! I put a guitar pick in his vest pocket. Steve put the King of Hearts in his other pocket.
Posted by Mike Lingerfelt on facebook: "Today I had the difficult but honorable task of giving the eulogy for my friends 20 year old son. But one theme I heard over and over again in connection with Tony was "selflessness." Tony touched so many peoples lives and as they shared their "moments" it because abundantly clear the full life is the selfless life of loving and caring for others. One young lady said he would occasionally check on her and when she was having a bad day he should go and sit with her and they would watch cartoons just to laugh together so she could feel better. I pray that I can impact peoples lives and love people like Tony did. I will say he came by it honestly because his daddy Steve and momma Melanie are just that way also."
The pall bearers carried the coffin to the front of the church and out to the car. We would have left then - except we had to find Jason! He was running around with a boy from church! So we held everyone up for a bit. But we found it and got him loaded up and then off to the cemetery.
We had 3 police escorts - 2 on motorcycles. It was a pretty long procession. When we finally arrived at the cemetery - we found out one of the police officers had been hit on his motorcycle. He was injured and his bike was totaled. But he would be okay. I was so sad and overwhelmed - here we were burying our son/brother/grandson/nephew/friend - because of a car accident. And another accident happens! I immediately asked our bishop to pray for him. So we said a prayer. I think it was just me, Steve and Bishop. But I needed that prayer maybe more than the officer did. I needed to not feel angry at the driver or the careless way people drive, or the inattentive drivers, or the selfish drivers that don't respect funeral processions. The prayer helped.
My mother in law was helped from her car to the chairs by 2 of Tony's friends. One was dressed nicely and the other was dressed more casual (we asked people to come as they wanted - we didn't want a formal affair. Wear red if they wished, and wear what they would when they were with Tony). This man had large holes in his ears where gauges had been and he was covered in tattoos. It was such a beautiful sight - because it totally represented how our son viewed people. Or rather, didn't view people. They were just people. They weren't based on their clothes, their appearance, their religion, their politics, anything. He just liked people for being good people. And these were good young men.
We took our seats. We played a song (This is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham). Bishop spoke a few words on the resurrection and then Jason Mosis - who had baptised him at a young, tender 8 years old - dedicated the grave. Then that was it. The long line of coming to hug the family began. It seemed never ending. I'm still amazed at how many people came to pay respects - how many lives were touched or influenced by my son! We visited with some folks and they gradually made their way to their cars and left. Eventually we left as well. It was surreal - because I left without feeling like I was leaving my son there. I don't know if it was because I have faith that he isn't truly there? Or maybe it was the "shock" part of the grief cycle? (which just means - it doesn't feel real) Why did I walk away without hardly a look back at the coffin? We found out later that 1 or 2 young men had stayed behind. They stayed with Tony until it was time to lower him into the ground. And then they helped. What a beautiful gesture! I get choked up thinking about that service!
There were so many people there that stand out - and yet there are still more that came. I saw teachers - from elementary school through high school. His band directors. Obviously lots of young people who knew him from band. His current work people showed up. People from his job at the school. Church people of course, even those young poeple that I didn't know. I have a group of friends I met online about 15 or so years ago. They live all over. 4 of them came (from dallas and close by, from austin, from west houston). And they brought the love from the rest of the group. People from Steve's old job (that he'd lost the year before). And his current job. Local friends. Motorcycle buddies that had become like family. Some had known Tony since he was a pre-teen or even younger. Family I hadn't seen in a long time. My cousin with her 3 babies - that I had seen the morning of the bad day. It was estimated about 300 people showed up. It was standing room only in the gym - and both foyers and hallways were packed and the room with the casket had people too.
We came back to the house and my sister ran back to the church to get all the stuff. A LOT of stuff we had taken to display! Plus all the food and flowers! We had a few friends, plus family, and Grace had a few friends come over. It was a busy late afternoon. It was good to visit - and it was a distraction from the actual issue. The death. The loss. It was fun to talk about memories we all had of each other - but also about Tony. My friend Anna - one of my besties from high school - had her son Mason here. Jason and Mason played together and were so cute! Eventually everyone left. We were left to decompress from it all. Come together as a family. We stayed up late visiting with Ashley and then got her back to her hotel room.
Today was a good day. As good as can be when you bury your love, your child. Sad, yes - but good and full of new memories.
The weekend
March 19 was Saturday. We had had SO many messages, phone calls, text messages, visitors to give us love and support. I read every message, but rarely responded. I didn't have time, or I didn't have energy. And what do I say? Every time someone asked what they could do to help - how do I answer that? Because I truly had no clue what I needed. I knew what I wanted - I wanted my son back. But who could give me that? Only God - and that wouldn't happen for a long time. Did I need someone to clean my house,? Maybe. Meals? Already set up. Someone to watch J? Lots of people offered and helped when needed. My mom and my sister especially were there. Always there - taking care of things. Watching J, cleaning my house, organizing meals, helping go through pictures, setting up crowd funding, making the funeral announcement, working constantly behind the scenes - to keep us as stress free as possible. To say I'm grateful is a severe understatement.
The bishop and Stake President of my church came Saturday morning. The LDS church is the same everywhere. Wards are based geographically. And you attend where you are "assigned" (based on where you live". Stakes are made up of about 10 wards. So the Bishop is the ecclesiastical leader of the ward. And the Stake President oversees all the wards. Also - all the leaders in our church are "lay" - they do not get paid to do the jobs they do. They are great and humble men, serving God and His people.
They visited with us, listened to us ramble on. I felt all the time that if you get me talking - I'm going to ramble. Trying to communicate what was going on in my head. We worked out the details of the funeral service and shared thoughts and feelings. They prayed with us.
We decided that the casket would be in the Relief Society room (a room where the women of the church meet for a class.) It has 2 doors and a few rows of chairs. People could come and go as they wished. But it would be a quiet place. We ended up with church hymns (instrumental) playing quietly as well.
In the gym - we would have several tables with displays - to represent Tony. I wish I had gotten more pictures of the gym in the end. It looked really nice. We wanted the first 45 minutes to sort of be a "mingle" - watch a video of pictures, view the displays, and to visit. We wanted to encourage people to talk to each other - and share how they knew the boy we love. After that - we would have a more formal sharing time. Steve, me, and Grace would share some thoughts and memories. And hopefully others would follow. Grace and a friend, Hannah, would sing a song. This would then be followed by a eulogy by our longtime family friend Mike Lingerfelt. Tony spent 2 weeks in Mexico (age 12) with Mike and his wife Pati - while they were missionaries in Tepic. We felt Mike would deliver a heartfelt eulogy. The bishop would speak a few words about our beliefs. We would conclude this and then move to the cemetery for the graveside. There it would be short and sweet with words on the resurrection followed by a grave dedication (by Jason Mosis - who baptized him at age 8). We felt we had come up with a good plan.
As we were wrapping up with the Bishop and Stake President - 3 of Tonys friends were coming by. Dylan again, this time with Jeremy (JT - also there the day it happened) and Chris. So we said goodbye to the church leaders and welcomed the boys with hugs. We got to visit with them. We had heard many things about JT from Tony. But we had no clue that he was married and had a new baby on the way. (due in October! Wouldn't it be neat if it were October 15? Tony's earthly birthday!) He was well spoken and mature. He was grateful that he would get to see his child born and hopefully to grow up. Both JT and Chris were fun young men. We visited for a couple hours and told stories, cried some, but mostly enjoyed remembered our wonderful boy.
Austin, Tony's best friend, stopped by. The day before, Steve and I had ventured to Target in search of a red dress shirt for Tony (unable to find his own), and red shirts for me and Jason. It was a surreal time - as people made their way about the store completely unaware that my world was off kilter. We didn't find him a shirt. So Austin was here. I was sad and didn't really have energy to visit. I'm so grateful that Steve asked Austin to go with him to find a shirt. They got to visit and Austin picked out a great shirt for Tony!
We had also asked all the boys to be pall bearers. Austin, Dylan, JT, Chris, Jeff (whom we hadn't met yet but was friends with our Tony). And our nephew Tyler. We weren't sure about Jeff - and we asked another friend of Tony's - Adrian - to be one as well. Which, the day of the service would leave us slightly lopsided as all would be there. But that was ok.
We now had to deal with our oldest. Ashley - originally born Devin - is transgender. She left home at 17, and came out as trans after she left home. She left on bitter and angry terms with us. And for about 5 years we had had minimal contact - and what we did exchange was rarely pleasant. Part of that is on us as parents - and part of it is on Ashley.
Regardless - a couple weeks before, Ashley had opened up some communication. Mostly for medical purposes. She was never evaluated or diagnosed with the genetic condition we have. And now, at 22, she was suffering, requiring a cane to walk around and sometimes a wheelchair.
The day after Tony passed, once Grace was told, I sent Ashley an email. I hated to tell her this way - it seemed so impersonal. I finally heard back from her. She wanted to come to the funeral but would have to look into funds to do so. We decided we could afford to buy her a bus ticket (she said if she could come, she would travel by bus). We worked it out - and she would leave Sunday I believe and arrive Monday afternoon I think. Steve bought the ticket. Later, Saturday evening, she would discover that we had ordered the ticket with her preferred name, not her legal name. She had travelled by bus enough to know that it was unpredictable and she could easily be stranded by having a ticket that didn't match her state ID. She said it had happened before. Steve tried to speak with the bus company but they wouldn't budge. We couldn't change the ticket - because WE had made the mistake. And the only way to rectify was to purchase a brand new ticket - and not receive a refund for the incorrect ticket. He could try to go downtown to the bus station and see if someone would have mercy. So he left around 9 pm I think.
I took to facebook. Asking for prayers. Surely - if I have faith, God will give us a tender mercy - and soften a heart somewhere. I had many many friends ask to help financially with a new ticket. Or even an airline ticket. I was adamant that God would help because I was faithful. My friends gently reminded me that sometimes God bestows the blessings we want through the hands of others.
I contacted Ashley - about a plane ticket. Once we knew for sure that the bus station would not be merciful to our pleas, we went ahead with a plane ticket. My friend Crysty, 4 hours from me, took charge of that. She had plenty of sky miles - and got donations from others as well - and purchased a round trip ticket for Ashley (using her legal name and physical gender) - to arrive Monday evening and leave Thursday evening. We would face many more challenges with regards to that. But in the end - it would all be okay. I think we were up til midnight or later getting the tickets ordered and info sent from Crysty to me, and from me to Ashley. Our oldest would be home to say good-bye to her younger brother (and also to meet her baby brother for the first time!).
Sunday came. Grace went to church. I don't know how she does it. She is so strong! I actually slept late for a change.
The day brought lots of pictures and trying to get better organized to get things done. Working on organizing for the video; what pictures to display; what needed to be printed; TONS of anxiety and stress for me. I swear we collected every single picture of Tony ever taken. How do you choose? Can you? When we were so fresh with the loss - I think we wanted every picture. Maybe it would somehow be enough to show everyone the amazing young man we called Son! Truthfully, it would never be enough.
I finished the obituary and had it proofed. Tony loved to nit pick grammar mistakes, and I didn't want to screw this up! I felt it was good.
The bishop and Stake President of my church came Saturday morning. The LDS church is the same everywhere. Wards are based geographically. And you attend where you are "assigned" (based on where you live". Stakes are made up of about 10 wards. So the Bishop is the ecclesiastical leader of the ward. And the Stake President oversees all the wards. Also - all the leaders in our church are "lay" - they do not get paid to do the jobs they do. They are great and humble men, serving God and His people.
They visited with us, listened to us ramble on. I felt all the time that if you get me talking - I'm going to ramble. Trying to communicate what was going on in my head. We worked out the details of the funeral service and shared thoughts and feelings. They prayed with us.
We decided that the casket would be in the Relief Society room (a room where the women of the church meet for a class.) It has 2 doors and a few rows of chairs. People could come and go as they wished. But it would be a quiet place. We ended up with church hymns (instrumental) playing quietly as well.
In the gym - we would have several tables with displays - to represent Tony. I wish I had gotten more pictures of the gym in the end. It looked really nice. We wanted the first 45 minutes to sort of be a "mingle" - watch a video of pictures, view the displays, and to visit. We wanted to encourage people to talk to each other - and share how they knew the boy we love. After that - we would have a more formal sharing time. Steve, me, and Grace would share some thoughts and memories. And hopefully others would follow. Grace and a friend, Hannah, would sing a song. This would then be followed by a eulogy by our longtime family friend Mike Lingerfelt. Tony spent 2 weeks in Mexico (age 12) with Mike and his wife Pati - while they were missionaries in Tepic. We felt Mike would deliver a heartfelt eulogy. The bishop would speak a few words about our beliefs. We would conclude this and then move to the cemetery for the graveside. There it would be short and sweet with words on the resurrection followed by a grave dedication (by Jason Mosis - who baptized him at age 8). We felt we had come up with a good plan.
As we were wrapping up with the Bishop and Stake President - 3 of Tonys friends were coming by. Dylan again, this time with Jeremy (JT - also there the day it happened) and Chris. So we said goodbye to the church leaders and welcomed the boys with hugs. We got to visit with them. We had heard many things about JT from Tony. But we had no clue that he was married and had a new baby on the way. (due in October! Wouldn't it be neat if it were October 15? Tony's earthly birthday!) He was well spoken and mature. He was grateful that he would get to see his child born and hopefully to grow up. Both JT and Chris were fun young men. We visited for a couple hours and told stories, cried some, but mostly enjoyed remembered our wonderful boy.
Austin, Tony's best friend, stopped by. The day before, Steve and I had ventured to Target in search of a red dress shirt for Tony (unable to find his own), and red shirts for me and Jason. It was a surreal time - as people made their way about the store completely unaware that my world was off kilter. We didn't find him a shirt. So Austin was here. I was sad and didn't really have energy to visit. I'm so grateful that Steve asked Austin to go with him to find a shirt. They got to visit and Austin picked out a great shirt for Tony!
We had also asked all the boys to be pall bearers. Austin, Dylan, JT, Chris, Jeff (whom we hadn't met yet but was friends with our Tony). And our nephew Tyler. We weren't sure about Jeff - and we asked another friend of Tony's - Adrian - to be one as well. Which, the day of the service would leave us slightly lopsided as all would be there. But that was ok.
We now had to deal with our oldest. Ashley - originally born Devin - is transgender. She left home at 17, and came out as trans after she left home. She left on bitter and angry terms with us. And for about 5 years we had had minimal contact - and what we did exchange was rarely pleasant. Part of that is on us as parents - and part of it is on Ashley.
Regardless - a couple weeks before, Ashley had opened up some communication. Mostly for medical purposes. She was never evaluated or diagnosed with the genetic condition we have. And now, at 22, she was suffering, requiring a cane to walk around and sometimes a wheelchair.
The day after Tony passed, once Grace was told, I sent Ashley an email. I hated to tell her this way - it seemed so impersonal. I finally heard back from her. She wanted to come to the funeral but would have to look into funds to do so. We decided we could afford to buy her a bus ticket (she said if she could come, she would travel by bus). We worked it out - and she would leave Sunday I believe and arrive Monday afternoon I think. Steve bought the ticket. Later, Saturday evening, she would discover that we had ordered the ticket with her preferred name, not her legal name. She had travelled by bus enough to know that it was unpredictable and she could easily be stranded by having a ticket that didn't match her state ID. She said it had happened before. Steve tried to speak with the bus company but they wouldn't budge. We couldn't change the ticket - because WE had made the mistake. And the only way to rectify was to purchase a brand new ticket - and not receive a refund for the incorrect ticket. He could try to go downtown to the bus station and see if someone would have mercy. So he left around 9 pm I think.
I took to facebook. Asking for prayers. Surely - if I have faith, God will give us a tender mercy - and soften a heart somewhere. I had many many friends ask to help financially with a new ticket. Or even an airline ticket. I was adamant that God would help because I was faithful. My friends gently reminded me that sometimes God bestows the blessings we want through the hands of others.
I contacted Ashley - about a plane ticket. Once we knew for sure that the bus station would not be merciful to our pleas, we went ahead with a plane ticket. My friend Crysty, 4 hours from me, took charge of that. She had plenty of sky miles - and got donations from others as well - and purchased a round trip ticket for Ashley (using her legal name and physical gender) - to arrive Monday evening and leave Thursday evening. We would face many more challenges with regards to that. But in the end - it would all be okay. I think we were up til midnight or later getting the tickets ordered and info sent from Crysty to me, and from me to Ashley. Our oldest would be home to say good-bye to her younger brother (and also to meet her baby brother for the first time!).
Sunday came. Grace went to church. I don't know how she does it. She is so strong! I actually slept late for a change.
The day brought lots of pictures and trying to get better organized to get things done. Working on organizing for the video; what pictures to display; what needed to be printed; TONS of anxiety and stress for me. I swear we collected every single picture of Tony ever taken. How do you choose? Can you? When we were so fresh with the loss - I think we wanted every picture. Maybe it would somehow be enough to show everyone the amazing young man we called Son! Truthfully, it would never be enough.
I finished the obituary and had it proofed. Tony loved to nit pick grammar mistakes, and I didn't want to screw this up! I felt it was good.
Steve's facebook 3/20 12:57 am "Mel and I were blessed to spend part of the day with 3 young men who we're friends of my son. We hung out and shared stories for a few hours. Just before leaving, they helped me get the chickens back into their pen, and each one got a chance to have a chicken eat right out of their hands.
Then, this evening, Tony's best friend came with me to buy a shirt for the funeral.
It was a good day today."
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