Cleaning and packing

Friday came. That meant going over to Tony's apartment and starting the clean up process. We figured we would start packing some stuff - and then the following weekend, plan for his friends or others to help us move his furniture. But it ended up being back to back days.

We got there and I started on the kitchen. I can't remember where Steve and Grace started. They were packing up boxes. I was cleaning. All those dirty dishes - he had a sink full of water for things to soak and it had gotten slimy and gross. We threw the pan away that had burnt food. It wouldn't have been easy to salvage. I washed everything I could find and put it in the dishwasher to wash as well. (which, of course, didn't work well and the soap never dissolved so I was glad I hand washed them first). This would make packing up the kitchen easier. Well, as much as that could be made easier.

We were deciding on what to take back to the house first - some important stuff. I can't even remember all we took. A lot of boxes and bags of things. A lot of stuff went in the trash. We definitely got his electronics. Steve would come back later for his TV. Tony had 3 or 4 old video game systems as well as games. I had gotten him a few games for Christmas even. We would pack those and give to his friends - those that enjoyed hanging out with Tony and playing the games. I packed his scriptures and a few other things I found. So....many.....clothes. I'm not sure he did laundry often - but he didn't need to with so many things!

I don't know how long we stayed. I remember sitting on the couch and holding his pillow. It didn't feel "good" anymore to be there. I didn't feel like Tony was even there. Not like the first time I had visited. It just felt....sad.

One of the things I said at the funeral, when I spoke, was it was important not to focus on the things we didn't have. That he wasn't here anymore or the things we'd never get to do with him, or the milestones he would never reach. That we needed to focus on what we DID have with him. Those memories. Those good times.

Cleaning and packing his apartment made it very difficult to follow my own advice.

We eventually left the apartment and came home. Grace had a dance that night for church and she wanted to go. Steve went back and got the TV. I was SO panicked and anxious - that he would have a wreck, or fall down the stairs, something. I tried to take a nap but the anxiety was bad. I was relieved when he returned. We had also posted on facebook asking if anyone wanted to help us move. A couple of Tony's friends volunteered. So we would be back tomorrow.

Grace had a good time at the dance - and one of the leaders made sure I had pictures and knew she was ok. I'm so thankful for sweet leaders to watch out for her - for her church friends who had already mourned with her, to help her have fun. She said it was awkward with friends from other wards - because they knew her brother had passed, but they hadn't seen her since. So I'm thankful for friends that she could laugh with and dance with.

Saturday came. My nephew Tyler came to help move Tony's stuff as well as Derek. Austin would try to meet us there because he was helping his grandma. Grace and I drove to Tony's apartment and Tyler followed. Steve waited for Derek and got the trailer hooked up to the truck. We got there and everyone started going through things and packing. I think I started in the bathroom. There was a lot to throw away. (I mean, do I really NEED to keep his deoderant, or his toothbrush?) I took down his shower curtain - that he had mentioned he wanted and I bought for him. Starry Night by Van Gogh. I then worked on the kitchen. There was a lot of laughter and memories - but I felt so distant. I didn't want to laugh. And the laughing was grating on me. One part of me was happy to see these young people, including my daughter - even my husband - laughing and reminiscing. But the other part was sad. So unbelievably sad.

I felt like we were reducing my son's life - his essence - his presence - to "things to keep, things to give away, things to throw away". All of things "things" - my son worked for. He may have been given a lot - but this was what he worked for. His own place, his independence. Everything was a part of who he was. Even the trash. As sad as that was. It just felt like we were slowly starting to erase his mark.

I was unbearably sad. I went and sat in his bedroom (that had been cleaned out). I had his phone and was looking at pictures. I listened to a voicemail. (His friend Dylan had asked one night if he could call Tony's phone. He just wanted to "talk" to him). I cried. It was about a 3 minute phone call. Dylan just talked to him. And then said good-bye. It was just so hard for me.

We left once it was loaded and came home. Austin was about to show up here. Derek took a couple pieces of furniture for his sister (I guess she is getting, or has, her own place). It was fun to watch Derek, and then Austin some, play with Jason. I realized Jason might be good at soccer - watching them run around with the ball. It did might heart good to see it. I feel sad that Jason doesn't have an older brother anymore. Part of me kind of hopes one (or more) of these young men will be around from time to time so Jason has a brother figure. I know one day too that Grace may get married - and her husband could be that. But for this day - it was good to see these 2 young men running around the yard with Jason.

Tony used a vape. (a type of "e cigarette") Initially it was to help him quit smoking. He had started smoking in high school I guess. I don't know when. But he was using a vape to help. He had a lot of friends that used them as well, and he became interested in doing tricks with the smoke. We thought it was weird and silly. (recently we came across a couple videos of Tony doing smoke tricks - and we regret that we didn't pay more intention or have more interest. He was really good. And the tricks are really neat to see. Tony was a part of a newly formed "trick team" - and that team decided to continue their team, in honor of him). Tony had a lot of vape stuff. My nephew Tyler wanted to quit smoking and so we had the guys go through it all and gave it to Tyler. The guys all left, with Tyler, so they could go hang out - and fix something on the vape.

We were left alone again - to reflect on everything.

Some of my posts from these days
March 25 12:30 pm Today I mourn the man he was, and the man he'll never get to be, as we clean and pack his apartment.

6:01 pm I've been thinking about scar tissue.

With my loosey goosey joints, they don't like to stay in place. I had a ligament repair surgery in 2014 but to treat the tendon that was also shredded, the dr did prp. Platelet replacement something. Can't remember what it stands for. Essentially they take your platelets and inject them - which triggers an inflammatory response. Lots of helpful healing blood cells come. And they build - but it's more like scar tissue. So it's thicker, less pliable, more stable. (Scar tissue for normal areas can sometimes be restrictive bc it's not stretchy but for our condition, it can be helpful)

Now in 2013 I had ligament repair on the other ankle. I didn't have prp. That ankle gives me all sorts of trouble, pain, nerve issues, stability issues. But the one I had w prp is good and strong. Still some pain but not like the first.

My heart is broken. Ripped in a million pieces. I have to figure out how to out it back together, where I will have lots and lots of scar tissue I'm sure. My hope, my prayer, is that my heart will be stronger.