We got dressed and left to go pick up Ashley. I was very nervous about this. I hadn't seen her in a few years and, until recently, past communication hadn't been easy or pleasant. As a youth and young adult, Ashley had a lot of bitterness and anger. Some deserved, some misplaced. As parents navigating an unfamiliar path, we didn't always handle things the best way or the most compassionate. I was worried how this reunion would go. Also, I was worried about ME - my reaction. I didn't have a lot of emotional reserve and was worried I would lash out or not have patience. Luckily, it went well. She came and got in the truck. We drove to the church.
We arrived around 10 am to set up the church. The bishop and a few other people were there - to open the building, to help set up, to entertain Jason. My sister arrived shortly thereafter and took control. I heard later Steve pulled her aside to tell her to let me make some decisions or give me space or something. I honestly don't remember. But I do remember when he told me - I was confused because I felt Melissa handled it perfectly. I truly had NO idea, now that it was here, how exactly to set up. The chairs and tables were already set up. They had seating for about 75 people. We asked that another section of the gym be opened. (our gym can be divided into 3 classrooms. They had 2 sections open. We wanted all 3. ) So we brought in a few more small tables, a long one, more chairs. We started organizing how the tables would be set up. The girls took the pictures and started tacking them up. We hung his chef coat and aprons on the wall. We hung up his Texans jersey that said A. Johnson - as well as the picture of him receiving it as a gift, and the selfie he took of him and the football star (in the background - haha). We displayed a table of his cards and magic cards, his rubiks cubes, his yo-yo's, etc. One table for graduation. Two tables with music - his trombone, his bass guitar, his folder filled with music. One table had his accoustic guitar with a sign and markers - for friends and family to sign. One table had a beautiful jar a sweet lady, Ann, from church, had made - with cards and pens (and a sign) - for people to write down thoughts or memories for us to read later. Cards and pens were also spread throughout the gym. We had a table with his graphic tees (just a handful) and his red vans - worn completely thru. We had a poster size pic of Tony, as a kid, wearing a basketball style shirt that said "play every game like it's your last gave EVER" - which is exactly like he lived his life. We had a guest sign book. The chairs were set up like a cafe.
The ladies from church were setting up food; the programs were set out (our family was given some color copies). Some people were starting to show up. Honestly, I have no idea how Jason made it to the nursery. (Normally, a nursery isn't provided. We have a friend, who's daughter wanted to help in that way. Plus a couple of the young women helped. I'm honestly not even sure who helped there.) I feel conflicted at times - did we handle Jason appropriately? At 3.5, would he have understood the emotions? Would he have run around and caused havoc? Would he have felt confused about his brother? We ended up deciding that the best thing was to let him play in the nursery, and not see his brother in casket. We didn't want his memories to be muddled with confusion - why doesn't Bubba wake up? Why doesn't Bubba get up and play with me? But sometimes I wonder if we should have included him more. It's so difficult to know the right things to do - when you're struggling to make sense of everything yourself!
I also worried - how will people respond to our funeral? This wasn't going to be the typical, quiet, subdued funeral. This wasn't a wake - but we were celebrating our TIME we had with Tony, the person he was, our memories!
At 1130 we, as a family, went into the Relief Society room and had a prayer, and everyone got to see Tony. We put on an old pair of glasses and it really made a difference. We had added pictures in and on the coffin. Steve, Grace and I had already seen him of course, so it wasn't as hard for us. My nephew especially cried hard. My younger niece. People started to come in around 1150 or so. And from that point on I don't think I got a second to breathe or thing. We made our way, thru hugs and condolences, to the gym. We walked into a packed house! And it only got more crowded from there! We started with a prayer, and a song (How Great Thou Art). Steve explained how things would run. 45 min of mingling, 45 min of more formal sharing, then the special music, eulogy, words from the bishop and then close. Followed by the graveside for those that wanted to attend.
Austin and Dylan arrived, I remember that. That was the first time that day I cried. Hugging those young men. From that point - it was near constant hugs, visiting, people, people, people everywhere! There was SO MANY young people! I found out that the high school had not questioned some kids that wanted to leave for the funeral. Band students. Some of his previous coworkers (after graduation he worked for the school district in the IT department). I got to meet a parent and a boy that Tony had tutored. She said they'd only known him since January but that Tony had changed her son's life. Wow! I saw a lot of family; a LOT of friends. At one point I wanted to go see Jason. Being an introvert, such crowds can be exhausting. But I couldn't walk 1 or 2 feet without someone there.
And I'm not complaining! It was beautiful! He was SO loved! I heard many stories of how these young people knew him - of the help he gave or the support he lent or the kind of friend he was. As his mama, it made my heart proud to know my son, my beautiful son, had touched so many lives in such a positive way! It's something parents hope for.
I did make it to the RS room to see how things were there. Lots of young people sitting in there quietly visiting or crying. Grace was in there. We were able to laugh for a few minutes at some silly things.
The next part was starting - and Steve started by sharing. I honestly can't remember what he said. I know he had a message to the young people to savor their life, don't rush through it. He invited anyone to come share but asked that they respect that we were in a church, so keep the language clean. Beyond that I don't remember.
I knew I was speaking next. I had known that for a couple days. I had no clue what to say. I tried the night before writing it out but it kept ending up pages long. What do you say? So I read the obituary. But I would stop throughout and share little tidbits. Such as how Tony got stitches at 3 because he did acrobats off the couch and hit the coffee table; how he shoved a rock up his nose; how he broke his nose in 1st grade because he flipped off the swing. He broke an arm and almost an elbow jumping a ditch on his bicycle and crashing on a scooter. I shared some of the fun things he did as he got older. His love of band. His love of math. Of learning. I shared many things but really don't remember a lot. I tried to make it light hearted. I do remember towards the end - I tried to encourage others to not dwell on what we don't have - how we don't have him here anymore, or how he won't get to do certain things. We needed to focus on what we DID have. The memories. The fun.
I had realized a couple days prior - we got 20 years with him; 20 years we almost didn't get! When he was 2 months old, he almost died. Christmas day, 1995. He had been sick for weeks. In and out of the hospital, ER visits, etc. Steve insisted on taking him to the ER Christmas night - and I wanted to wait til the next day. I was tired of being sent home with nothing wrong or no answers. Steve prevailed and we headed downtown. By the time we got to the hospital, Tony was blue and lifeless. He was intubated, had a collapsed lung and needed a chest tube and overall was critical. They found he had a bowel obstruction as well and needed emergency surgery. During the surgery - they found he had a small hole in his diaphragm - and had a part of his colon pushed through into his chest cavity. He also had RSV! He recovered and never slowed down. We got 20 years with him. And need to focus on that! Those blessed years full of laughter, family and happiness!
My daughter Grace spoke next. She shared a favorite memory of driving in his car with the music blasting and both of them dancing in their seats. Sadly I don't remember what anyone shared, except 2 people. After Grace, Austin, then Dylan spoke. Austin talked about how his home life wasn't great, and how Tony would hang out with him, watch movies with him, keep him company - and how it made him feel better. (Austin also shared with us at a different time, how he was involved in a lot of things that weren't good. And that Tony helped him become better, and leave those things behind. Dylan's mom shared with me - that she never worried about Dylan when he was with Tony) Then JT. I think my nephew Tyler went next. I still giggle at that one! He announced to God and everyone there that he was "kind of a pot head". He shared a memory - his 21st birthday. Exactly 1 year earlier. (yes, the funeral was on my nephew's 22 birthday) My nephew was at his apartment, planning to drink. Tony stopped by. He didn't drink - but he did smoke a little marijuana. And got sick. He threw up on Tyler's patio - red puke. And Tyler made Tony come back the next day to clean it up! (months later Tony would share that with us) Another friend, Chris, shared the first time he'd met Tony. (I think) How they were exploring an abandoned building - as a potential place to shoot a video they had planned. One of the rooms had a bunch of broken tiles - and many were stuck in the walls. They started picking up the broken tiles on the floor and throwing them at the walls to get them to stick. I don't remember all of the memory - but Tony had shared that with me just a few weeks prior! (We were close with Tony - we didn't always approve of his decisions. but we loved him unconditionally, and supported his free agency to make his own decisions; and to choose his own path). I remember after this I went up to the microphone and reminded everyone that I *knew* my son wasn't a perfect angel. Everyone laughed. I remember at one point my daughter announced she was single. That brought laughs as well. A few other friends shared memories. We didn't get to as many people as we'd hoped because that 45 minutes was up already! It was nice to kind of laugh and remember the good things!
Grace and Hannah sang a song by Queen - "You're my best friend". Tony loved all music but classic rock was his favorite. And Queen was his overall favorite. So it was fitting. And beautiful. His friend, and Hannah's sister, Gretchen, accompanied on the piano.
Our friend Mike then delivered the eulogy. I don't remember what he said. He gave us a copy of it. I have it somewhere. I remember it was beautiful. I wish I could remember it now. The bishop spoke after that. He touched a little on our belief of the plan of salvation. And this is just a stopping place for a time in that plan. We had a closing song (In the Garden) and a prayer. Everyone would then begin to make their way to their cars - and we, his family, would go say our final good-bye as the coffin was closed. It took some time to get to the room because I was stopped constantly on that way. So much love! We went in - said our good-byes - cried some - and they closed the lid. There were some momentos his friends had left. I don't know the meaning. I know one was a stuffed horse. The friend explained it to someone - and in the card - that when he moved out, it brought him comfort and kept him company. And he was giving it to Tony. What a sweet gesture! I put a guitar pick in his vest pocket. Steve put the King of Hearts in his other pocket.
Posted by Mike Lingerfelt on facebook: "Today I had the difficult but honorable task of giving the eulogy for my friends 20 year old son. But one theme I heard over and over again in connection with Tony was "selflessness." Tony touched so many peoples lives and as they shared their "moments" it because abundantly clear the full life is the selfless life of loving and caring for others. One young lady said he would occasionally check on her and when she was having a bad day he should go and sit with her and they would watch cartoons just to laugh together so she could feel better. I pray that I can impact peoples lives and love people like Tony did. I will say he came by it honestly because his daddy Steve and momma Melanie are just that way also."
The pall bearers carried the coffin to the front of the church and out to the car. We would have left then - except we had to find Jason! He was running around with a boy from church! So we held everyone up for a bit. But we found it and got him loaded up and then off to the cemetery.
We had 3 police escorts - 2 on motorcycles. It was a pretty long procession. When we finally arrived at the cemetery - we found out one of the police officers had been hit on his motorcycle. He was injured and his bike was totaled. But he would be okay. I was so sad and overwhelmed - here we were burying our son/brother/grandson/nephew/friend - because of a car accident. And another accident happens! I immediately asked our bishop to pray for him. So we said a prayer. I think it was just me, Steve and Bishop. But I needed that prayer maybe more than the officer did. I needed to not feel angry at the driver or the careless way people drive, or the inattentive drivers, or the selfish drivers that don't respect funeral processions. The prayer helped.
My mother in law was helped from her car to the chairs by 2 of Tony's friends. One was dressed nicely and the other was dressed more casual (we asked people to come as they wanted - we didn't want a formal affair. Wear red if they wished, and wear what they would when they were with Tony). This man had large holes in his ears where gauges had been and he was covered in tattoos. It was such a beautiful sight - because it totally represented how our son viewed people. Or rather, didn't view people. They were just people. They weren't based on their clothes, their appearance, their religion, their politics, anything. He just liked people for being good people. And these were good young men.
We took our seats. We played a song (This is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham). Bishop spoke a few words on the resurrection and then Jason Mosis - who had baptised him at a young, tender 8 years old - dedicated the grave. Then that was it. The long line of coming to hug the family began. It seemed never ending. I'm still amazed at how many people came to pay respects - how many lives were touched or influenced by my son! We visited with some folks and they gradually made their way to their cars and left. Eventually we left as well. It was surreal - because I left without feeling like I was leaving my son there. I don't know if it was because I have faith that he isn't truly there? Or maybe it was the "shock" part of the grief cycle? (which just means - it doesn't feel real) Why did I walk away without hardly a look back at the coffin? We found out later that 1 or 2 young men had stayed behind. They stayed with Tony until it was time to lower him into the ground. And then they helped. What a beautiful gesture! I get choked up thinking about that service!
There were so many people there that stand out - and yet there are still more that came. I saw teachers - from elementary school through high school. His band directors. Obviously lots of young people who knew him from band. His current work people showed up. People from his job at the school. Church people of course, even those young poeple that I didn't know. I have a group of friends I met online about 15 or so years ago. They live all over. 4 of them came (from dallas and close by, from austin, from west houston). And they brought the love from the rest of the group. People from Steve's old job (that he'd lost the year before). And his current job. Local friends. Motorcycle buddies that had become like family. Some had known Tony since he was a pre-teen or even younger. Family I hadn't seen in a long time. My cousin with her 3 babies - that I had seen the morning of the bad day. It was estimated about 300 people showed up. It was standing room only in the gym - and both foyers and hallways were packed and the room with the casket had people too.
We came back to the house and my sister ran back to the church to get all the stuff. A LOT of stuff we had taken to display! Plus all the food and flowers! We had a few friends, plus family, and Grace had a few friends come over. It was a busy late afternoon. It was good to visit - and it was a distraction from the actual issue. The death. The loss. It was fun to talk about memories we all had of each other - but also about Tony. My friend Anna - one of my besties from high school - had her son Mason here. Jason and Mason played together and were so cute! Eventually everyone left. We were left to decompress from it all. Come together as a family. We stayed up late visiting with Ashley and then got her back to her hotel room.
Today was a good day. As good as can be when you bury your love, your child. Sad, yes - but good and full of new memories.
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