March 17 6:07 am - my facebook post "I slept some and just woke up. I don't know how to navigate this. Please share your favorite scripture or saying. I need comfort in my soul"
He had gone to Tony's apartment after Grace and I had gone to bed. He went to change the locks - because we didn't know who had a key to Tony's apartment. And we knew he had some electronics that were valuable, as well as possible sentimental things. (maybe we wouldn't have even thought about that - except after Steve's dad died, he had brothers go in to his mom's house and take things they felt were valuable to them and that his mom didn't or shouldn't have. Piece of advice - don't ever do that. It's morally wrong.) Steve brought back some clothes too we had discussed burying Tony in. (He also stopped by the wrecker yard to retrieve items from Tony's car. He went with a friend. He took pictures but won't show them to me. I was told that the driver's side is basically gone - it was crushed in so badly. I'm sure I don't want to see the pictures. The ones in my head are bad enough).
Tony liked 2 things with clothes. Maybe more. But 2 stood out. He LOVED to dress up - he was snazzy when he wanted to be! Nice button ups, vests, ties. He also loved tying those ties in fancy knots! His other was graphic tees. Boy did he own a lot of those! And his love of Vans shoes. He had a red pair that we had given him for Chistmas a couple years prior that he wore completely out!
We wanted to bury him in his fancy dress with a tie tied in a trinity knot. So he had some clothes. He said it was hard and he sat there longer than he needed to (as far as getting stuff) but not longer than he needed to (emotionally).
After we were up, and my friend Stacey showed up (wonderful friends that help at a drop of a hat), Steve and I left to visit funeral homes and stop again at Tony's apartment. My timeline may be off. It's hard to remember and I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks already. (I always wonder, how do people make it 1 year, 5 years, 10? But here we are, almost 3 weeks. Time keeps moving, even if I don't want it) We stopped by his apartment. It was obvious he was a 20 year old bachelor who hated living alone. He was never home to clean up! Holy moly what a mess! There was actually a pan of burned food on the stove (my son wanted to be a chef at some point, took 3 years of culinary in high school, and took pride in his food. And he BURNED food! We had to giggle at that). Clothes everywhere. Trash. Just - a mess. I started cleaning - or picking up - the living room. We were trying to find his important papers - bills, insurance, etc. Honestly, that gave my mind something to do. It wasn't difficult to be there - I thought it would be. I felt he was there too. Maybe that's why it wasn't as hard as I thought.
We went to 2 funeral homes. We didn't have a clear idea of what we wanted, and certainly didn't know what to expect. We didn't have life insurance - my husband had lost a job last year that had great benefits. All of our kids were covered medically and with life insurance. Now, his currently job, had nothing. Maybe it's a kind of blessing he passed instantly too - because he had no medical coverage. And if he'd survived, surely he would have had a long hospital stay - or even lifelong care needed. Anyway - by speaking with these 2 people at the home, we were able to kind of get an idea of cost, and maybe what we would want to do. No plans were made. We came back home.
My sister and her older daughter was there, Faith. My mom. I can't remember if anyone else was there. It seemed like our house had a revolving door for a few days, and everything kind of blurs together.
One thing I forgot to mention - we have a lab. Tony brought her home as a stray, starving puppy last year. We were so MAD! We didn't want a lab. We'd just had to rehome one b/c he liked to chase our chickens (and dig holes, and chew up things). We told him this was HIS dog, and we wouldn't take responsibility for her. Well, of course that changed. Eventually he moved out and couldn't take her with him. So she stayed. Finally in January I scheduled her a vet appt to be spayed. Of course by February we realized that was too late. On March 2, she gave birth to 10 puppies. I told Tony he was a grandpa. haha! On March 14, he came over and met his future roommate here - and they picked out a puppy!
Anyway - so we had Lucy (the lab) in the house with 10 puppies. And because so many people were in and out, as well as possibly the negative emotions, she began to get defensive and protective of her puppies. While we were gone - she bit my 18 yo niece and drew blood. I was mortified! But my friend Stacey was still here when it happened and she is a nurse - and tended to the wound. Faith was ok when we got home. I can't remember if that night or the next day - but moved Lucy and her puppies out to the stables in an enclosed area.
Grace had several friends come over this day as well. And it helped keep her occupied. They made plans for the next time to have a get together at one of the homes and get her out of the house.
Tony had his 2 best friends, Austin and Dylan, come by the house. Dylan was with Tony, in a separate car, when he had the accident. They were actually on their way to Dylan's house when it happened. I don't know if there was a specific reason they wanted to come by. Maybe Dylan felt guilty because he was there? Did they want to say sorry? Were they scared we would be angry? I don't know. I do know that I felt good when they were there. Like a piece of my son was there too. Steve cried. Dylan told us what happened, which we kinda already knew. Austin wasn't there. Austin and Tony were really close. There was a point where we wondered about Austin - like, was he a good influence or not for Tony? Was he just an "Eddie Haskel"? (from the show Leave it to Beaver. Eddie was always polite and nice and charming to the parents but a real hellion when away from the parents). But Tony was fierce about his friendship with him.
We hugged on them, cried. Steve talked to him.
Steve's facebook post March 17 at 4:47pm "2 of Tony's best friends are here at the house. Just hanging out. They came to offer condolences. One of these young men was with my son when he left this world. The other is his closest friend. I cannot feel any anger toward the boys he was with. I feel relieved that they were spared. I held to both these boys, and just cried with them. I asked them to please not let his death be in vain. Please take a lesson. Life is not going to fly by before you can enjoy it all. SLOW DOWN. Not just your speed. Slow down and don't be in such a rush to soak up every experience like it won't be there tomorrow. I want you boys to be old. I don't want your parents to bury you. I want to be a memory and you to be old before you meet this fate. There is so much left to do, but you can't experience it at the pace you are going."
My post at 5:35pm "So grateful for these young men. Especially that they were spared. I told them that they will feel guilt. It's normal. But don't let it consume you. Embrace the good times. Remember the funny moments, happy moments, even the drive-you-up-the-wall moments."
They stayed for maybe 2 hours? I got to spend about an hour on the porch with them just visiting - and talking about some of the fun times. When they left, some of the gloom returned. Like Tony's spirit had left with the boys.
That night, our bishop came by to meet with us. We talked about our funeral plans and began to put ideas on paper. We would completely finalize it the next day, when we went back to the funeral home and cemetery. It was a good meeting with our bishop.
Thursday night I slept again. Maybe just 4 or 5 hours and again, it was dreamless. I woke early and sat on the porch. It was kind of peaceful. I cried some. But it was peaceful also to think about all that was happening.
I found an instagram post. This was on a band nerd page, but one of the leaders/founders of the page was in the same band my son had been - and knew him. (She later told me Tony was her first kiss)
We met with the cemetery at 10 am. That was hard. Where is the perfect space? There were no spaces under trees or in shade. But Tony lived his life wide open - so maybe out in the sun was ok. There were 2 parts of the cemetery - one was more crowded, but cheaper. It was the older section. The newer section was more expensive. But it was likely that in a year or so - we could get spaces next to him, if we decided to do that. There were a couple of young people nearby. And a couple soldiers to look after him. And as we were walking, Steve saw a headstone - it was a dear friend who had passed a few years earlier. He knew it was the right place and I did too.
March 18 11:24 am "Picking your child's final resting place is one of the hardest things to do. And something no parent should have to do this. Yet we have found out many of our friends and family are members of this "grieving parents club". So we know we aren't alone."
We then went to the funeral home. We went with the nicer home - and it was a little pricier but not much. Honestly it didn't matter which one we went with - as far as facilities - because we wouldn't be using them. The nicer one was just closer to us. And once we were done nickle and diming everything - it was essentially the same price. We looked at their coffins. What an awful selection. Not meant for a 20 year old man at all! Baby blue or ruffles or bland. I envisioned a lot of elderly funerals. Not for children, or for young people.
Tony's favorite color was red. So we told the funeral home we would order a coffin online and have it sent there. The funeral home expected Tony's body to be released that afternoon or Saturday. I forgot to mention - that the day it happened, once an hour or so had passed from Steve getting home, he spoke with the medical examiner. Gave some medical history. But also asked about organ donation. (A year and a half previous - Steve's sister lost her 24 year old daughter tragically. Sarah was able to donate her organs. This brought up conversations with our kids. And Tony had agreed to be an organ donor. He was already one on his license - but as a family we had discussed it.) Because he died at the scene of the accident, his organs themselves were not salvageable. And once the tissue donation place called and found out he (and we) had Ehlers Danlos - a connective tissue disorder - he was ruled out there! But the eye donation place said it didn't matter. So maybe he can help someone see. And maybe I can see his eyes again. But even if they don't go to anyone - they will go to science. And he always wanted to help further science.
Anyway - with the donation as well as the autopsy - he should be at the funeral home Saturday perhaps. We also requested from the funeral home - that we could finish dressing him. This would be my last act of service for my boy. I didn't feel right completely dressing him. Mainly because I wasn't sure emotionally I could handle it - but also because he was a young man. In adulthood - in life - he didn't want his mama and daddy to dress him. So we would take the final part only. They said they would call us.
We decided the funeral would be on a Tuesday. It would be a 1 day event - with the viewing and service held in a 2.5 hour time period with the graveside after. This would save us some money but also make it easier on everyone. I've never been a fan of drawing a funeral out - with a viewing one day, a funeral the next and sometimes the graveside on another day. But mainly, sadly, we focused on cost.
We decided to celebrate his life. He was such an interesting and fun loving person, and our family has been filled with laughter and joy. Steve wanted to leave the young people that would attending a sense of peace about it all. They needed to know it was okay to laugh and remember the good times. I feel like funerals can be very depressing. Lots of crying, remember the person but feeling sad because they are gone - and the life that won't get lived. I felt like we would always have sadness or depression because our boy was gone. Maybe not. But it's what I felt at the time. I didn't want to feel depressed and sad on the day we laid him to rest. So we wanted a joyful ceremony. (and Tony was always full of information. He was always learning and doing new things. One of the most common things to come out of his mouth was "Fun fact..." followed by whatever new information he had learned or felt contributed to the conversation.)
My sister had set up a crowdfunding site the night before. She set the goal at 10,000 to hopefully cover the funeral, cemetery, coffin, etc. And with our cost cutting - it would be plenty. In less than 24 hours we had surpassed that goal. She raised the goal to 15,000, simply to give us additional for a headstone, cover any unexpected expenses, time off work, etc. By the time the funeral would roll around, we would reach that goal as well. The day after the funeral, she shut the crowdfund down. We were in awe, though, with that first day of raising funds. Steve has a LOT of friends in the motorcycle community, around the world. And he has a lot of friends in general. Tony had a LOT of friends and coworkers that donated. And me as well. Not to mention strangers. It was touching and humbling. We could bury our boy and not have to worry. And we would find that there were plenty of expenses outside of the funeral! (We would also have friends give us cash, or continue for weeks to receive cards in the mail with cash or checks. One thing I want to say - you could honestly FEEL the paper were desperate themselves to help us somehow. Maybe it was a young person giving just $5 b/c that's all they could spare; or a friend we knew were struggling financially that still gave. It was humbling for sure. I hated being in the position of asking. But this - the money - became one area we didn't have to worry about thanks to people's generosity)
I don't remember how the rest of that day went. People would come by to visit. It was nice to see friends and be comforted. Food would be brought. Jason would be tended. It was a blur.
That night, I do remember, Grace went out with her friends. They played games and had fun and watched movies I think. I know it was good for her to get out of the house - away from the gloomy mood. I was grateful for the good friends she has.
Steve had run an errand - I can't remember what. But he also met with my nephew. Tyler was struggling pretty hard. We wanted to ask Tyler to be a pall bearer but we weren't going to push it - and if he couldn't do it, that was fine. But Steve wanted to meet with him to give him a chance to voice it all. They talked about everything, not just Tony. In the end (maybe that night? Maybe later? I can't remember) Tyler said he would do it; he would be a pall bearer.
While Steve was gone, I was looking for pictures. And I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk - and just started crying. Really hard crying. The gut wrenching cry. The ugly cry. It comes from deep inside and it just pure anguish. I was so devastated that my son, my beautiful, sweet, funny boy was gone. The pain was just awful.
Jason came over and rubbed my shoulder and said "It's okay mommy. I can make it better" (or something like that). I said "I just miss Bubba so much!" (now at this point - we had not formally sat down with Jason and explained death. We didn't know how) Jason said "It's okay Mommy. Bubba is at church with Jesus." I was shocked. Sometimes the veil - the thing that keeps our memory from remembering Heaven, God, Jesus - is so thin in babies. Maybe he understood death in a way that we could not.
Steve came home shortly after and sat on the floor and held me. (One thing we began to notice - my really hard, weak moments, were moments when he was strong. And vice versa) He then suggested we pray. Now, I love my husband and I know he has a belief in God and a faith. But he doesn't show it or say it much. And while he's prayed at home, it's not been (to my memory) something he, himself, iinitiated. He would pray if I asked. Or at meal times. And here he was, leading the family in prayer. And it was such a heartfelt, anguished prayer. Thanking God for things, asking for blessings. And in it - he spoke to Tony. Told him that we loved him, we were proud of him. that we were proud he'd been our son. He said a lot of things that were so touching and personal. It is a moment that sticks with me.
(I remember something else we did that day it happened. Around 1030 that night, I sent Kelly a message. Kelly is Tylie's mom. Tylie is Grace's best friend. Steve spoke with Kelly about the situation. And the reason was this: we knew that once Grace found out, and things calmed down enough for her to go to bed, she would probably send Tylie a message. And we wanted Tylie to be prepared ahead of time. I always wondered if that was the right thing - to tell Grace's best friend before we even told her. But ultimately I did not want her friend to be blown away with the news. I wanted her mom to help her with it - and then maybe she could help Grace. Kelly and Tylie stopped by either Thursday or Friday - I can't remember. I remember Kelly telling me she was in awe that we thought of Tylie at all. But really - that's almost all we did with everyone. It was hard to focus on our own grief - when we were thinking of others. Thinking of Tylie. Thinking of those boys - those friends of Tony's. Thinking of the men that pulled Tony from the car and tried CPR. Thinking of the job the police officers have, especially when they have to notify family of tragedy. And most especially thinking of our living children.)
March 18, 10:18 pm "I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk trying to find a lost cd of pictures. And feeling really down. And then I just lost it. I can't help it. J, in his infinite wisdom and thinner veil than I, says "mommy, it's ok. (He came and rubbed my shoulder) I will make you feel better. It's ok (he hugs me). It's ok. Tears make it better."
I said I missed Bubba (we haven't told J). He says "it's ok (rubbing my shoulder). Bubba is with Jesus. At church."
A red cardinal stopped and rested on the porch railing while we were outside. The birds never come by when we are outside. Tony loved them bc they are red."
Steve went back to Tony's apartment that night to look for specific things.
March 19 3:41 am - His facebook post "It is 2:45 in the morning. I am just leaving my son's apartment after going to collect some of his clothes and special items for his funeral. Perhaps it was a selfish endeavor to go by myself, but I wanted a moment alone in his presence. I sat in his apartment and spoke to him as if he were there. I collected a few token pieces of who he was to display by his casket. I remembered events in his life that are so precious. I filled a suitcase with these items, along with his acoustic guitar, and I paused for a moment as I locked his door. Almost as if I was expecting him to tell me goodnight.
How do I define the beautiful boy, and the incredible man that my son was, inside the confines of a 2 hour gathering? There is no way."
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