Tender Mercies, Blessings and Silver Linings

“But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance” 

(1 Ne. 1:20)

I think I began to recognize the small tender mercies from the Lord almost immediately. Some might say some things are just perspective; choosing to see something one way instead of another. I say, that, in and of itself, is a tender mercy. I can choose to dwell on the negative. The terrible. The awful. I can also choose to find the little positive things; the little blessings I feel are from the Lord, to make this bearable for me. (I may add to it over time as I remember things)

--- Barely 10 minutes before I learned my world stopped moving - that awful day - I received a happy, cheerful phone call from my daughter! Because of the delay getting home (due to transportation issues), this seems even more of a blessing. If she had delayed calling me by a half hour, what a change that could have been. An awful, horrible car ride home. Instead we had a cheerful conversation, full of love and happiness. That is how the next 7 hours progressed for her. 

 --- I saw that post on facebook about the accident, also barely 10 minutes before the police knocked on my door. (I found out days later that the accident was actually 2 hours previous to my notification. He'd passed from this earth to the next 2 hours prior.) That post had been up for maybe an hour. Had I seen the post when it was shared - and the comments about the type of car - I can only imagine the stress and anxiety of not knowing if Tony was ok. Would I have loaded Jason up and driven there? Would I have found Dylan and JT? Would I have seen my son's smashed car, and a body under a white sheet? I don't know what I would have done. Instead I saw the post just minutes before the knock on the door happened. I didn't have to spend a long time wondering if Tony was alive or dead, or why he wouldn't answer his phone. I knew almost immediately after reading the post. I didn't have to wonder WHY the police were there, or for WHOM they were telling me. I KNEW it was Tony. Yes, my world stopped spinning for a time - and would never spin quite the same again. But it could have happened much differently.

--- Tony passed from this earth instantly. Yes, that is hard to accept sometimes. It even took me a couple of days to accept the blessing in that. He didn't suffer pain, or disability prior to passing. He didn't end up on life support, or have a permanently broken and altered body and mind. Both of which HE would not have wanted. There was no real surviving the accident. So to pass instantly was a blessing. Steve and I do have flashes of what we imagine his last moment was like just before he crashed - and this causes great pain in my heart - but we can't know for sure what went through his mind. Maybe God was merciful, knowing his time was up, and shielded him from fear and terror at what was coming. I pray for this to be true. 

--- I found out a few days after the accident, one of the men that performed CPR on Tony had just gotten out of the truck that Tony hit. He could have been injured or worse, had he still be in or near the truck. This also brings to light that NO ONE else was involved. Only property was damaged. His friends witnessed the awful scene, but were not involved. No one else on the road, no one in the parking lot were hurt in any way. We took comfort in knowing that no other parents or loved ones would be going through what we were going through at that moment. I can only imagine the guilt we might feel, as parents, to know our son caused harm or death to another person because of his recklessness. That, on top of the grief, might have been unbearable. 

--- Tony had had a lot of stress recently. He had lost his job last year, shortly after moving out on his own. He made really good money for a (then) 19 year old. He had a pretty sizable savings but he had been unable to find another job before that ran out. He did odd jobs, got a weekend security job at the docks, tutored kids in the evenings. He had unemployment to cover the shortage. He still managed to keep his bills paid. He may have eaten a lot of rice and beans - but he was fed. He had recently gotten a steady job, manual labor, and he liked it. He still hoped an IT position would open up eventually. But he knew his bills were being met and he was breathing a little easier. That Wednesday, he called in sick to work. He had plans with his friends to go shoot a video at an abandoned building. (He had told me they had plans to do this video there - but not when - and I, being a mom, of course, ran down the list of things that could be an issue. Including trespassing. But he was 20 - and on his own - a mom can only do so much) So that day - he had fun with his friends. He enjoyed his day. And it was a GORGEOUS spring day. He was still enjoying himself, on his way to his friends. While I don't see his recklessness as a blessing - but the cause for his death - he was having fun. He was enjoying his life. We have found a small comfort that he probably laughed a LOT that day, and enjoyed the company of his friends. He was not home sick. Alone. He was not bogged down with stress at that moment. We have to see the small mercy in that - for *our* peace of mind. 

--- We were close with our son. Steve didn't get to see him as much as I did - as Tony would often stop by before Steve got home, and leave as well. Or he called or texted me more often. It's not that they weren't close - they were. Tony knew his dad would listen to him, would be there for him no matter what, that his dad loved him. They bonded when they were alone together - working in the yard or taking a trip. (like when he had to drive him once to dallas to visit the lyme disease doctor - b/c I was too heavily pregnant to make the drive; or when they went out to my dad's place to work). That's when they'd have their deep conversations. Those are what stick with my husband. For me, we had a lot of fun conversations. Sometimes deep. Sometimes normal.I don't have as many deep, long moments like Steve does. But I have a TON of small, moments and they have added up. Tony knew he could count on us. We loved him. We were proud of him. There weren't any negative words or feelings between us when he passed. Our last communication had been just the day before even. I went and had lunch with Steve - and was taking him back to work when Tony called. He felt sick at work and needed advice. And since his dad was there too - he talked to him as well. He was planning to move in with a roommate and wanted to borrow the truck. We discussed that together. We told him we loved him. I often wonder how much greater the grief would be - if we had regrets.

--- Jason and Tony were very close. They were 17 years apart in age - and we used to joke that Jason had 2 dads and 2 moms - since his siblings were so much older and could act more like parents sometimes. But Tony loved spending time with Jason - playing games, racing cars, trains, going to the park or the indoor trampoline place. He was always fun and patient. And Jason ALWAYS said he loved Bubba, or that Bubba was his favorite. I'm grateful that Jason seems to understand more than we do where Bubba has gone. That the veil is thin. He often tells me that Jesus is taking care of Bubba now. 

--- The door was opened with Ashley just a couple weeks earlier for communication. Initially it was just with me. She didn't want to talk to her dad or grandparents or anyone. But because that door was opened - it made the process to get her down for the funeral that much easier. And the visit easier as well. This is a definite tender mercy - softened hearts all around.

--- The crowdfunding site - and everyone that gave gave gave. It was so humbling and even overwhelming (in a good way) - we wouldn't have to worry about how to financially cover the burial of our child. There were people that even helped beyond that. Such as the mixup with the train ticket for Ashley. Quite a few offered to help pay for a new ticket - or a plane ticket. A couple even offered outright to buy a ticket. And my friends that came together with sky miles to cover the ticket - and Crysty for organizing it all. And then helping when delays and things happened. (on the way here but also on the way home.) When our emotions are completely overwhelmed and hitting a snag just made it that much worse - friends and family were there to take over and handle it for us. 

--- A blessing I think about - Tony never changed his address on his driver's license. With it listed as here - I was able to be notified. Had it been at his apartment, who knows when we would have found out! The stress of that would have been unbearable I'm sure - seeing the post on facebook, not being able to reach Tony, wondering, worrying.