Emotions - Sad

There are many parts of the grief cycle - and it's NOT linear! People expect it to be I think. You have disbelief/shock, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, acceptance. I'm sure they are explained differently depending on what author or site you reading. Here's the truth of it - You don't experience disbelief and shock first, then sadness, then anger and so on. You don't get to acceptance and everything is fine. And you DON'T get over it. What you do experience - all of it. From day 1 for me. I spend time being fine, to being ticked off, to incredible sadness. It can all happen in 1 day, or even just in a matter of hours.

I think Sadness is probably worse than Anger in my opinion. I can be angry and lash out. Or do a physical labor and work it out of me. I can put the energy associated with anger to work. Sadness it just ----- sadness. It's overwhelming at times, just a big grey cloud. There is no energy associated with Sadness. Sadness makes one want to lay in bed all day, or sit on the couch. Sadness makes chores too difficult to do, or life too hard to go about living

Up until last Thursday, i didn't really feel the heavy burden of constant sadness. (And it IS a burden) I had moments of sadness and tears. But I don't know if my brain wasn't allowing me to process it - or what? - but I could talk about Tony as if I were talking about my living children. I could talk about the wreck, like it was the weather. Then Thursday came. I thought maybe the blanket of sadness that settled on me was because of the upcoming counseling session scheduled for that evening. But it didn't go away. It's just......there. Every day I have woken up and felt it. Sadness - it's like clothes I put on and never take off.

It takes every bit of energy just to go to the store; to make Jason breakfast or lunch; to even get dressed or brush my hair. Jason watches WAY too much TV. Or spends too much time on his electronics. (Leap Pad - which has learning games so it's education, not just mindless stuff, but still) We do go outside and play with puppies. And that helps lighten - just a little - the load. But it never goes away.

I can't go anywhere without thinking about him. His memories are everywhere. It's just very........sad. The whole thing. To lose someone - especially a child - so close to your heart; it's like a piece of my heart is now gone. Just ripped out.

I've been to the cemetery twice. The saddest part is all the dead flowers people have put there. It's nice to see people have visited. But the dead flowers just remind me that he's dead too. More so than the identifying grave marker, or the mound of dirt. The flowers have died. My son has died.

Sad.