The bishop and Stake President of my church came Saturday morning. The LDS church is the same everywhere. Wards are based geographically. And you attend where you are "assigned" (based on where you live". Stakes are made up of about 10 wards. So the Bishop is the ecclesiastical leader of the ward. And the Stake President oversees all the wards. Also - all the leaders in our church are "lay" - they do not get paid to do the jobs they do. They are great and humble men, serving God and His people.
They visited with us, listened to us ramble on. I felt all the time that if you get me talking - I'm going to ramble. Trying to communicate what was going on in my head. We worked out the details of the funeral service and shared thoughts and feelings. They prayed with us.
We decided that the casket would be in the Relief Society room (a room where the women of the church meet for a class.) It has 2 doors and a few rows of chairs. People could come and go as they wished. But it would be a quiet place. We ended up with church hymns (instrumental) playing quietly as well.
In the gym - we would have several tables with displays - to represent Tony. I wish I had gotten more pictures of the gym in the end. It looked really nice. We wanted the first 45 minutes to sort of be a "mingle" - watch a video of pictures, view the displays, and to visit. We wanted to encourage people to talk to each other - and share how they knew the boy we love. After that - we would have a more formal sharing time. Steve, me, and Grace would share some thoughts and memories. And hopefully others would follow. Grace and a friend, Hannah, would sing a song. This would then be followed by a eulogy by our longtime family friend Mike Lingerfelt. Tony spent 2 weeks in Mexico (age 12) with Mike and his wife Pati - while they were missionaries in Tepic. We felt Mike would deliver a heartfelt eulogy. The bishop would speak a few words about our beliefs. We would conclude this and then move to the cemetery for the graveside. There it would be short and sweet with words on the resurrection followed by a grave dedication (by Jason Mosis - who baptized him at age 8). We felt we had come up with a good plan.
As we were wrapping up with the Bishop and Stake President - 3 of Tonys friends were coming by. Dylan again, this time with Jeremy (JT - also there the day it happened) and Chris. So we said goodbye to the church leaders and welcomed the boys with hugs. We got to visit with them. We had heard many things about JT from Tony. But we had no clue that he was married and had a new baby on the way. (due in October! Wouldn't it be neat if it were October 15? Tony's earthly birthday!) He was well spoken and mature. He was grateful that he would get to see his child born and hopefully to grow up. Both JT and Chris were fun young men. We visited for a couple hours and told stories, cried some, but mostly enjoyed remembered our wonderful boy.
Austin, Tony's best friend, stopped by. The day before, Steve and I had ventured to Target in search of a red dress shirt for Tony (unable to find his own), and red shirts for me and Jason. It was a surreal time - as people made their way about the store completely unaware that my world was off kilter. We didn't find him a shirt. So Austin was here. I was sad and didn't really have energy to visit. I'm so grateful that Steve asked Austin to go with him to find a shirt. They got to visit and Austin picked out a great shirt for Tony!
We had also asked all the boys to be pall bearers. Austin, Dylan, JT, Chris, Jeff (whom we hadn't met yet but was friends with our Tony). And our nephew Tyler. We weren't sure about Jeff - and we asked another friend of Tony's - Adrian - to be one as well. Which, the day of the service would leave us slightly lopsided as all would be there. But that was ok.
We now had to deal with our oldest. Ashley - originally born Devin - is transgender. She left home at 17, and came out as trans after she left home. She left on bitter and angry terms with us. And for about 5 years we had had minimal contact - and what we did exchange was rarely pleasant. Part of that is on us as parents - and part of it is on Ashley.
Regardless - a couple weeks before, Ashley had opened up some communication. Mostly for medical purposes. She was never evaluated or diagnosed with the genetic condition we have. And now, at 22, she was suffering, requiring a cane to walk around and sometimes a wheelchair.
The day after Tony passed, once Grace was told, I sent Ashley an email. I hated to tell her this way - it seemed so impersonal. I finally heard back from her. She wanted to come to the funeral but would have to look into funds to do so. We decided we could afford to buy her a bus ticket (she said if she could come, she would travel by bus). We worked it out - and she would leave Sunday I believe and arrive Monday afternoon I think. Steve bought the ticket. Later, Saturday evening, she would discover that we had ordered the ticket with her preferred name, not her legal name. She had travelled by bus enough to know that it was unpredictable and she could easily be stranded by having a ticket that didn't match her state ID. She said it had happened before. Steve tried to speak with the bus company but they wouldn't budge. We couldn't change the ticket - because WE had made the mistake. And the only way to rectify was to purchase a brand new ticket - and not receive a refund for the incorrect ticket. He could try to go downtown to the bus station and see if someone would have mercy. So he left around 9 pm I think.
I took to facebook. Asking for prayers. Surely - if I have faith, God will give us a tender mercy - and soften a heart somewhere. I had many many friends ask to help financially with a new ticket. Or even an airline ticket. I was adamant that God would help because I was faithful. My friends gently reminded me that sometimes God bestows the blessings we want through the hands of others.
I contacted Ashley - about a plane ticket. Once we knew for sure that the bus station would not be merciful to our pleas, we went ahead with a plane ticket. My friend Crysty, 4 hours from me, took charge of that. She had plenty of sky miles - and got donations from others as well - and purchased a round trip ticket for Ashley (using her legal name and physical gender) - to arrive Monday evening and leave Thursday evening. We would face many more challenges with regards to that. But in the end - it would all be okay. I think we were up til midnight or later getting the tickets ordered and info sent from Crysty to me, and from me to Ashley. Our oldest would be home to say good-bye to her younger brother (and also to meet her baby brother for the first time!).
Sunday came. Grace went to church. I don't know how she does it. She is so strong! I actually slept late for a change.
The day brought lots of pictures and trying to get better organized to get things done. Working on organizing for the video; what pictures to display; what needed to be printed; TONS of anxiety and stress for me. I swear we collected every single picture of Tony ever taken. How do you choose? Can you? When we were so fresh with the loss - I think we wanted every picture. Maybe it would somehow be enough to show everyone the amazing young man we called Son! Truthfully, it would never be enough.
I finished the obituary and had it proofed. Tony loved to nit pick grammar mistakes, and I didn't want to screw this up! I felt it was good.
Steve's facebook 3/20 12:57 am "Mel and I were blessed to spend part of the day with 3 young men who we're friends of my son. We hung out and shared stories for a few hours. Just before leaving, they helped me get the chickens back into their pen, and each one got a chance to have a chicken eat right out of their hands.
Then, this evening, Tony's best friend came with me to buy a shirt for the funeral.
It was a good day today."
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