Emotions - Mad

Its a weird, wild roller coaster of emotions for me that has come with this. From the first moment - of absolute disbelief and overwhelming grief, to anger, to a sort of disconnect, to unbearable and heavy sadness.



Angry has been the mood mostly of late. People have just made me mad - for stupid reasons. Jason makes me mad because he can be demanding and, well, somewhat rude. He is 3 after all. The things people say to me. Why do people feel the need to tell me "He is there with you"? Or "Just talk to him". Or more - why do people feel the need to share THEIR dreams of him with me? Or that he somehow spoke to THEM - but he doesn't speak to me? Some people find comfort in that. I don't right now. It makes me upset.

I try to post stuff but people read into it. I posted something Steve and I had kind of joked about - how we wish there was a way to connect, like tech support, to those who have passed on. Ask a question (like what's your password, or where did you put this or that, or whatever) and within 24 hours get a response. It's really stupid but we kinda joked about it. Everyone had to give advice on how to retrieve his password. It wasn't ABOUT that! Just take it at face value?

People tell me to "just talk to him" and then feel the need to share all their own spiritual experiences w/ those who have passed. I don't want to hear that! I already talk to him! It just ends up making me question why *I* don't have these connections with him now??

I've gotten mad at people asking for his stuff. His closest friends never asked - but people who felt they were his besties ask for all sorts of stuff. His clothes, his shoes, jewelry, things they may have given him years ago, etc. I finally had to post on facebook to just STOP. It's hurtful to us to ask for his things. Currently, our house is piled up with boxes, that we can't even bring ourselves to go through. And I don't know when we might go through it all. So stop asking! (I DO understand that people want a piece of him for their memories - I GET that. But it's rude and disrespectful to his family and our grieving process to ask. It's quite upsetting to having to happen time and again!)

I've had people joke about things like "my husband will kill me" or "my family always checks up on me - like they think I might be dead if I don't respond right away". Really? Maybe they do! You just lost a friend or family member - maybe they are worried it will happen to you! But dang - THINK about what you say to me! Really? Your family worried you might be dead? Well, guess what - my son IS DEAD!

I posted about forgetting to buckle Jason in and driving half hour home that way. Yeah, I get that's not the end of the world (b/c nothing happened) and probably every mom has done that at least once. But my older son DIED in a car accident! So it affects me a LITTLE differently! (and yes, I know that people were trying to make me feel better - but yeah, anger during the grief process. It sucks)

I have had people tell me to be positive, don't focus on the negative emotions (being anger, sadness, etc) b/c it can attract more negative emotions. They've obviously NEVER experienced deep grief related to loss.

I've had people tell me "don't let someone tell you how to grieve" and then turn around tell me how to grieve. "Don't do this/that", "Do this/that", etc.

I get mad at Steve because he goes to work, or works on the property, or runs errands. But really - he HAS to work, the property HAS to be taken care of, and I'm not running the errands. So why am I mad at him?? I don't know!

But really, am I really mad at these individual people? NO! I'm just MAD! Mad at the situation. Mad that my son is GONE. Mad that I question my faith. Mad that I am mad! People MEAN well - and a lot have never experienced this, and just don't know what to say or think before they speak. And there was a time when I was on the other side - having never experienced death except from my grandparents, distant relatives or friends but not really close friends. What do you say??

So if I'm mad - don't take it personal. I'm not really mad at you. I'm just mad.