Celebration of Life

The day of the funeral came. I was happy and sad and all the emotions in between. Nervous. Anxious. Worried.

We got dressed and left to go pick up Ashley. I was very nervous about this. I hadn't seen her in a few years and, until recently, past communication hadn't been easy or pleasant. As a youth and young adult, Ashley had a lot of bitterness and anger. Some deserved, some misplaced. As parents navigating an unfamiliar path, we didn't always handle things the best way or the most compassionate. I was worried how this reunion would go. Also, I was worried about ME - my reaction. I didn't have a lot of emotional reserve and was worried I would lash out or not have patience. Luckily, it went well. She came and got in the truck. We drove to the church.

We arrived around 10 am to set up the church. The bishop and a few other people were there - to open the building, to help set up, to entertain Jason. My sister arrived shortly thereafter and took control. I heard later Steve pulled her aside to tell her to let me make some decisions or give me space or something. I honestly don't remember. But I do remember when he told me - I was confused because I felt Melissa handled it perfectly. I truly had NO idea, now that it was here, how exactly to set up. The chairs and tables were already set up. They had seating for about 75 people. We asked that another section of the gym be opened. (our gym can be divided into 3 classrooms. They had 2 sections open. We wanted all 3. ) So we brought in a few more small tables, a long one, more chairs. We started organizing how the tables would be set up. The girls took the pictures and started tacking them up. We hung his chef coat and aprons on the wall. We hung up his Texans jersey that said A. Johnson - as well as the picture of him receiving it as a gift, and the selfie he took of him and the football star (in the background - haha). We displayed a table of his cards and magic cards, his rubiks cubes, his yo-yo's, etc. One table for graduation. Two tables with music - his trombone, his bass guitar, his folder filled with music. One table had his accoustic guitar with a sign and markers - for friends and family to sign. One table had a beautiful jar a sweet lady, Ann, from church, had made - with cards and pens (and a sign) - for people to write down thoughts or memories for us to read later. Cards and pens were also spread throughout the gym. We had a table with his graphic tees (just a handful) and his red vans - worn completely thru. We had a poster size pic of Tony, as a kid, wearing a basketball style shirt that said "play every game like it's your last gave EVER" - which is exactly like he lived his life. We had a guest sign book. The chairs were set up like a cafe.

The ladies from church were setting up food; the programs were set out (our family was given some color copies). Some people were starting to show up. Honestly, I have no idea how Jason made it to the nursery. (Normally, a nursery isn't provided. We have a friend, who's daughter wanted to help in that way. Plus a couple of the young women helped. I'm honestly not even sure who helped there.) I feel conflicted at times - did we handle Jason appropriately? At 3.5, would he have understood the emotions? Would he have run around and caused havoc? Would he have felt confused about his brother? We ended up deciding that the best thing was to let him play in the nursery, and not see his brother in casket. We didn't want his memories to be muddled with confusion - why doesn't Bubba wake up? Why doesn't Bubba get up and play with me? But sometimes I wonder if we should have included him more. It's so difficult to know the right things to do - when you're struggling to make sense of everything yourself!

I also worried - how will people respond to our funeral? This wasn't going to be the typical, quiet, subdued funeral. This wasn't a wake - but we were celebrating our TIME we had with Tony, the person he was, our memories!

At 1130 we, as a family, went into the Relief Society room and had a prayer, and everyone got to see Tony. We put on an old pair of glasses and it really made a difference. We had added pictures in and on the coffin. Steve, Grace and I had already seen him of course, so it wasn't as hard for us. My nephew especially cried hard. My younger niece. People started to come in around 1150 or so. And from that point on I don't think I got a second to breathe or thing. We made our way, thru hugs and condolences, to the gym. We walked into a packed house! And it only got more crowded from there! We started with a prayer, and a song (How Great Thou Art). Steve explained how things would run. 45 min of mingling, 45 min of more formal sharing, then the special music, eulogy, words from the bishop and then close. Followed by the graveside for those that wanted to attend.

Austin and Dylan arrived, I remember that. That was the first time that day I cried. Hugging those young men. From that point - it was near constant hugs, visiting, people, people, people everywhere! There was SO MANY young people! I found out that the high school had not questioned some kids that wanted to leave for the funeral. Band students. Some of his previous coworkers (after graduation he worked for the school district in the IT department). I got to meet a parent and a boy that Tony had tutored. She said they'd only known him since January but that Tony had changed her son's life. Wow! I saw a lot of family; a LOT of friends. At one point I wanted to go see Jason. Being an introvert, such crowds can be exhausting. But I couldn't walk 1 or 2 feet without someone there.

And I'm not complaining! It was beautiful! He was SO loved! I heard many stories of how these young people knew him - of the help he gave or the support he lent or the kind of friend he was. As his mama, it made my heart proud to know my son, my beautiful son, had touched so many lives in such a positive way! It's something parents hope for.

I did make it to the RS room to see how things were there. Lots of young people sitting in there quietly visiting or crying. Grace was in there. We were able to laugh for a few minutes at some silly things.

The next part was starting - and Steve started by sharing. I honestly can't remember what he said. I know he had a message to the young people to savor their life, don't rush through it. He invited anyone to come share but asked that they respect that we were in a church, so keep the language clean. Beyond that I don't remember.

I knew I was speaking next. I had known that for a couple days. I had no clue what to say. I tried the night before writing it out but it kept ending up pages long. What do you say? So I read the obituary. But I would stop throughout and share little tidbits. Such as how Tony got stitches at 3 because he did acrobats off the couch and hit the coffee table; how he shoved a rock up his nose; how he broke his nose in 1st grade because he flipped off the swing. He broke an arm and almost an elbow jumping a ditch on his bicycle and crashing on a scooter. I shared some of the fun things he did as he got older. His love of band. His love of math. Of learning. I shared many things but really don't remember a lot. I tried to make it light hearted. I do remember towards the end - I tried to encourage others to not dwell on what we don't have - how we don't have him here anymore, or how he won't get to do certain things. We needed to focus on what we DID have. The memories. The fun.

I had realized a couple days prior - we got 20 years with him; 20 years we almost didn't get! When he was 2 months old, he almost died. Christmas day, 1995. He had been sick for weeks. In and out of the hospital, ER visits, etc. Steve insisted on taking him to the ER Christmas night - and I wanted to wait til the next day. I was tired of being sent home with nothing wrong or no answers. Steve prevailed and we headed downtown. By the time we got to the hospital, Tony was blue and lifeless. He was intubated, had a collapsed lung and needed a chest tube and overall was critical. They found he had a bowel obstruction as well and needed emergency surgery. During the surgery - they found he had a small hole in his diaphragm - and had a part of his colon pushed through into his chest cavity. He also had RSV! He recovered and never slowed down. We got 20 years with him. And need to focus on that! Those blessed years full of laughter, family and happiness!

My daughter Grace spoke next. She shared a favorite memory of driving in his car with the music blasting and both of them dancing in their seats. Sadly I don't remember what anyone shared, except 2 people. After Grace, Austin, then Dylan spoke. Austin talked about how his home life wasn't great, and how Tony would hang out with him, watch movies with him, keep him company - and how it made him feel better. (Austin also shared with us at a different time, how he was involved in a lot of things that weren't good. And that Tony helped him become better, and leave those things behind. Dylan's mom shared with me - that she never worried about Dylan when he was with Tony) Then JT. I think my nephew Tyler went next. I still giggle at that one! He announced to God and everyone there that he was "kind of a pot head". He shared a memory - his 21st birthday. Exactly 1 year earlier. (yes, the funeral was on my nephew's 22 birthday) My nephew was at his apartment, planning to drink. Tony stopped by. He didn't drink - but he did smoke a little marijuana. And got sick. He threw up on Tyler's patio - red puke. And Tyler made Tony come back the next day to clean it up! (months later Tony would share that with us) Another friend, Chris, shared the first time he'd met Tony. (I think) How they were exploring an abandoned building - as a potential place to shoot a video they had planned. One of the rooms had a bunch of broken tiles - and many were stuck in the walls. They started picking up the broken tiles on the floor and throwing them at the walls to get them to stick. I don't remember all of the memory - but Tony had shared that with me just a few weeks prior! (We were close with Tony - we didn't always approve of his decisions. but we loved him unconditionally, and supported his free agency to make his own decisions; and to choose his own path). I remember after this I went up to the microphone and reminded everyone that I *knew* my son wasn't a perfect angel. Everyone laughed. I remember at one point my daughter announced she was single. That brought laughs as well. A few other friends shared memories. We didn't get to as many people as we'd hoped because that 45 minutes was up already! It was nice to kind of laugh and remember the good things!

Grace and Hannah sang a song by Queen - "You're my best friend". Tony loved all music but classic rock was his favorite. And Queen was his overall favorite. So it was fitting. And beautiful. His friend, and Hannah's sister, Gretchen, accompanied on the piano.

Our friend Mike then delivered the eulogy. I don't remember what he said. He gave us a copy of it. I have it somewhere. I remember it was beautiful. I wish I could remember it now. The bishop spoke after that. He touched a little on our belief of the plan of salvation. And this is just a stopping place for a time in that plan. We had a closing song (In the Garden) and a prayer. Everyone would then begin to make their way to their cars - and we, his family, would go say our final good-bye as the coffin was closed. It took some time to get to the room because I was stopped constantly on that way. So much love! We went in - said our good-byes - cried some - and they closed the lid. There were some momentos his friends had left. I don't know the meaning. I know one was a stuffed horse. The friend explained it to someone - and in the card - that when he moved out, it brought him comfort and kept him company. And he was giving it to Tony. What a sweet gesture! I put a guitar pick in his vest pocket. Steve put the King of Hearts in his other pocket.

Posted by Mike Lingerfelt on facebook: "Today I had the difficult but honorable task of giving the eulogy for my friends 20 year old son. But one theme I heard over and over again in connection with Tony was "selflessness." Tony touched so many peoples lives and as they shared their "moments" it because abundantly clear the full life is the selfless life of loving and caring for others. One young lady said he would occasionally check on her and when she was having a bad day he should go and sit with her and they would watch cartoons just to laugh together so she could feel better. I pray that I can impact peoples lives and love people like Tony did. I will say he came by it honestly because his daddy Steve and momma Melanie are just that way also."

The pall bearers carried the coffin to the front of the church and out to the car. We would have left then - except we had to find Jason! He was running around with a boy from church! So we held everyone up for a bit. But we found it and got him loaded up and then off to the cemetery.

We had 3 police escorts - 2 on motorcycles. It was a pretty long procession. When we finally arrived at the cemetery - we found out one of the police officers had been hit on his motorcycle. He was injured and his bike was totaled. But he would be okay. I was so sad and overwhelmed - here we were burying our son/brother/grandson/nephew/friend - because of a car accident. And another accident happens! I immediately asked our bishop to pray for him. So we said a prayer. I think it was just me, Steve and Bishop. But I needed that prayer maybe more than the officer did. I needed to not feel angry at the driver or the careless way people drive, or the inattentive drivers, or the selfish drivers that don't respect funeral processions. The prayer helped.

My mother in law was helped from her car to the chairs by 2 of Tony's friends. One was dressed nicely and the other was dressed more casual (we asked people to come as they wanted - we didn't want a formal affair. Wear red if they wished, and wear what they would when they were with Tony). This man had large holes in his ears where gauges had been and he was covered in tattoos. It was such a beautiful sight - because it totally represented how our son viewed people. Or rather, didn't view people. They were just people. They weren't based on their clothes, their appearance, their religion, their politics, anything. He just liked people for being good people. And these were good young men.

We took our seats. We played a song (This is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham). Bishop spoke a few words on the resurrection and then Jason Mosis - who had baptised him at a young, tender 8 years old - dedicated the grave. Then that was it. The long line of coming to hug the family began. It seemed never ending. I'm still amazed at how many people came to pay respects - how many lives were touched or influenced by my son! We visited with some folks and they gradually made their way to their cars and left. Eventually we left as well. It was surreal - because I left without feeling like I was leaving my son there. I don't know if it was because I have faith that he isn't truly there? Or maybe it was the "shock" part of the grief cycle? (which just means - it doesn't feel real) Why did I walk away without hardly a look back at the coffin? We found out later that 1 or 2 young men had stayed behind. They stayed with Tony until it was time to lower him into the ground. And then they helped. What a beautiful gesture! I get choked up thinking about that service!

There were so many people there that stand out - and yet there are still more that came. I saw teachers - from elementary school through high school. His band directors. Obviously lots of young people who knew him from band. His current work people showed up. People from his job at the school. Church people of course, even those young poeple that I didn't know. I have a group of friends I met online about 15 or so years ago. They live all over. 4 of them came (from dallas and close by, from austin, from west houston). And they brought the love from the rest of the group. People from Steve's old job (that he'd lost the year before). And his current job. Local friends. Motorcycle buddies that had become like family. Some had known Tony since he was a pre-teen or even younger. Family I hadn't seen in a long time. My cousin with her 3 babies - that I had seen the morning of the bad day. It was estimated about 300 people showed up. It was standing room only in the gym - and both foyers and hallways were packed and the room with the casket had people too.

We came back to the house and my sister ran back to the church to get all the stuff. A LOT of stuff we had taken to display! Plus all the food and flowers! We had a few friends, plus family, and Grace had a few friends come over. It was a busy late afternoon. It was good to visit - and it was a distraction from the actual issue. The death. The loss. It was fun to talk about memories we all had of each other - but also about Tony. My friend Anna - one of my besties from high school - had her son Mason here. Jason and Mason played together and were so cute! Eventually everyone left. We were left to decompress from it all. Come together as a family. We stayed up late visiting with Ashley and then got her back to her hotel room.

Today was a good day. As good as can be when you bury your love, your child. Sad, yes - but good and full of new memories.

The weekend

March 19 was Saturday. We had had SO many messages, phone calls, text messages, visitors to give us love and support. I read every message, but rarely responded. I didn't have time, or I didn't have energy. And what do I say? Every time someone asked what they could do to help - how do I answer that? Because I truly had no clue what I needed. I knew what I wanted - I wanted my son back. But who could give me that? Only God - and that wouldn't happen for a long time. Did I need someone to clean my house,? Maybe. Meals? Already set up. Someone to watch J? Lots of people offered and helped when needed. My mom and my sister especially were there. Always there - taking care of things. Watching J, cleaning my house, organizing meals, helping go through pictures, setting up crowd funding, making the funeral announcement, working constantly behind the scenes - to keep us as stress free as possible. To say I'm grateful is a severe understatement.

The bishop and Stake President of my church came Saturday morning. The LDS church is the same everywhere. Wards are based geographically. And you attend where you are "assigned" (based on where you live". Stakes are made up of about 10 wards. So the Bishop is the ecclesiastical leader of the ward. And the Stake President oversees all the wards. Also - all the leaders in our church are "lay" - they do not get paid to do the jobs they do. They are great and humble men, serving God and His people.

They visited with us, listened to us ramble on. I felt all the time that if you get me talking - I'm going to ramble. Trying to communicate what was going on in my head. We worked out the details of the funeral service and shared thoughts and feelings. They prayed with us.

We decided that the casket would be in the Relief Society room (a room where the women of the church meet for a class.) It has 2 doors and a few rows of chairs. People could come and go as they wished. But it would be a quiet place. We ended up with church hymns (instrumental) playing quietly as well.

In the gym - we would have several tables with displays - to represent Tony. I wish I had gotten more pictures of the gym in the end. It looked really nice. We wanted the first 45 minutes to sort of be a "mingle" - watch a video of pictures, view the displays, and to visit. We wanted to encourage people to talk to each other - and share how they knew the boy we love. After that - we would have a more formal sharing time. Steve, me, and Grace would share some thoughts and memories. And hopefully others would follow. Grace and a friend, Hannah, would sing a song. This would then be followed by a eulogy by our longtime family friend Mike Lingerfelt. Tony spent 2 weeks in Mexico (age 12) with Mike and his wife Pati - while they were missionaries in Tepic. We felt Mike would deliver a heartfelt eulogy. The bishop would speak a few words about our beliefs. We would conclude this and then move to the cemetery for the graveside. There it would be short and sweet with words on the resurrection followed by a grave dedication (by Jason Mosis - who baptized him at age 8). We felt we had come up with a good plan.

As we were wrapping up with the Bishop and Stake President - 3 of Tonys friends were coming by. Dylan again, this time with Jeremy (JT - also there the day it happened) and Chris. So we said goodbye to the church leaders and welcomed the boys with hugs. We got to visit with them. We had heard many things about JT from Tony. But we had no clue that he was married and had a new baby on the way. (due in October! Wouldn't it be neat if it were October 15? Tony's earthly birthday!) He was well spoken and mature. He was grateful that he would get to see his child born and hopefully to grow up. Both JT and Chris were fun young men. We visited for a couple hours and told stories, cried some, but mostly enjoyed remembered our wonderful boy.

Austin, Tony's best friend, stopped by. The day before, Steve and I had ventured to Target in search of a red dress shirt for Tony (unable to find his own), and red shirts for me and Jason. It was a surreal time - as people made their way about the store completely unaware that my world was off kilter. We didn't find him a shirt. So Austin was here. I was sad and didn't really have energy to visit. I'm so grateful that Steve asked Austin to go with him to find a shirt. They got to visit and Austin picked out a great shirt for Tony!

We had also asked all the boys to be pall bearers. Austin, Dylan, JT, Chris, Jeff (whom we hadn't met yet but was friends with our Tony). And our nephew Tyler. We weren't sure about Jeff - and we asked another friend of Tony's - Adrian - to be one as well. Which, the day of the service would leave us slightly lopsided as all would be there. But that was ok. 

We now had to deal with our oldest. Ashley - originally born Devin - is transgender. She left home at 17, and came out as trans after she left home. She left on bitter and angry terms with us. And for about 5 years we had had minimal contact - and what we did exchange was rarely pleasant. Part of that is on us as parents - and part of it is on Ashley.

Regardless - a couple weeks before, Ashley had opened up some communication. Mostly for medical purposes. She was never evaluated or diagnosed with the genetic condition we have. And now, at 22, she was suffering, requiring a cane to walk around and sometimes a wheelchair.

The day after Tony passed, once Grace was told, I sent Ashley an email. I hated to tell her this way - it seemed so impersonal. I finally heard back from her. She wanted to come to the funeral but would have to look into funds to do so. We decided we could afford to buy her a bus ticket (she said if she could come, she would travel by bus). We worked it out - and she would leave Sunday I believe and arrive Monday afternoon I think. Steve bought the ticket. Later, Saturday evening, she would discover that we had ordered the ticket with her preferred name, not her legal name. She had travelled by bus enough to know that it was unpredictable and she could easily be stranded by having a ticket that didn't match her state ID. She said it had happened before. Steve tried to speak with the bus company but they wouldn't budge. We couldn't change the ticket - because WE had made the mistake. And the only way to rectify was to purchase a brand new ticket - and not receive a refund for the incorrect ticket. He could try to go downtown to the bus station and see if someone would have mercy. So he left around 9 pm I think.

I took to facebook. Asking for prayers. Surely - if I have faith, God will give us a tender mercy - and soften a heart somewhere. I had many many friends ask to help financially with a new ticket. Or even an airline ticket. I was adamant that God would help because I was faithful. My friends gently reminded me that sometimes God bestows the blessings we want through the hands of others.

I contacted Ashley - about a plane ticket. Once we knew for sure that the bus station would not be merciful to our pleas, we went ahead with a plane ticket. My friend Crysty, 4 hours from me, took charge of that. She had plenty of sky miles - and got donations from others as well - and purchased a round trip ticket for Ashley (using her legal name and physical gender) - to arrive Monday evening and leave Thursday evening. We would face many more challenges with regards to that. But in the end - it would all be okay. I think we were up til midnight or later getting the tickets ordered and info sent from Crysty to me, and from me to Ashley. Our oldest would be home to say good-bye to her younger brother (and also to meet her baby brother for the first time!).

Sunday came. Grace went to church. I don't know how she does it. She is so strong! I actually slept late for a change. 

The day brought lots of pictures and trying to get better organized to get things done. Working on organizing for the video; what pictures to display; what needed to be printed; TONS of anxiety and stress for me. I swear we collected every single picture of Tony ever taken. How do you choose? Can you? When we were so fresh with the loss - I think we wanted every picture. Maybe it would somehow be enough to show everyone the amazing young man we called Son! Truthfully, it would never be enough. 

I finished the obituary and had it proofed. Tony loved to nit pick grammar mistakes, and I didn't want to screw this up! I felt it was good. 

Steve's facebook 3/20 12:57 am "Mel and I were blessed to spend part of the day with 3 young men who we're friends of my son. We hung out and shared stories for a few hours. Just before leaving, they helped me get the chickens back into their pen, and each one got a chance to have a chicken eat right out of their hands.

Then, this evening, Tony's best friend came with me to buy a shirt for the funeral.

It was a good day today."

Trying to deal with details

Day 2 came. I can't believe I even slept at all. But I did. Maybe just 4 or 5 hours, but I slept. I've always slept late - totally not a morning person. For the first time, I was up with the sun and before Steve.

March 17 6:07 am - my facebook post "I slept some and just woke up. I don't know how to navigate this. Please share your favorite scripture or saying. I need comfort in my soul"

He had gone to Tony's apartment after Grace and I had gone to bed. He went to change the locks - because we didn't know who had a key to Tony's apartment. And we knew he had some electronics that were valuable, as well as possible sentimental things. (maybe we wouldn't have even thought about that - except after Steve's dad died, he had brothers go in to his mom's house and take things they felt were valuable to them and that his mom didn't or shouldn't have. Piece of advice - don't ever do that. It's morally wrong.) Steve brought back some clothes too we had discussed burying Tony in. (He also stopped by the wrecker yard to retrieve items from Tony's car. He went with a friend. He took pictures but won't show them to me. I was told that the driver's side is basically gone - it was crushed in so badly. I'm sure I don't want to see the pictures. The ones in my head are bad enough).

Tony liked 2 things with clothes. Maybe more. But 2 stood out. He LOVED to dress up - he was snazzy when he wanted to be! Nice button ups, vests, ties. He also loved tying those ties in fancy knots! His other was graphic tees. Boy did he own a lot of those! And his love of Vans shoes. He had a red pair that we had given him for Chistmas a couple years prior that he wore completely out!

We wanted to bury him in his fancy dress with a tie tied in a trinity knot. So he had some clothes. He said it was hard and he sat there longer than he needed to (as far as getting stuff) but not longer than he needed to (emotionally).

After we were up, and my friend Stacey showed up (wonderful friends that help at a drop of a hat), Steve and I left to visit funeral homes and stop again at Tony's apartment. My timeline may be off. It's hard to remember and I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks already. (I always wonder, how do people make it 1 year, 5 years, 10? But here we are, almost 3 weeks. Time keeps moving, even if I don't want it) We stopped by his apartment. It was obvious he was a 20 year old bachelor who hated living alone. He was never home to clean up! Holy moly what a mess! There was actually a pan of burned food on the stove (my son wanted to be a chef at some point, took 3 years of culinary in high school, and took pride in his food. And he BURNED food! We had to giggle at that). Clothes everywhere. Trash. Just - a mess. I started cleaning - or picking up - the living room. We were trying to find his important papers - bills, insurance, etc. Honestly, that gave my mind something to do. It wasn't difficult to be there - I thought it would be. I felt he was there too. Maybe that's why it wasn't as hard as I thought.

We went to 2 funeral homes. We didn't have a clear idea of what we wanted, and certainly didn't know what to expect. We didn't have life insurance - my husband had lost a job last year that had great benefits. All of our kids were covered medically and with life insurance. Now, his currently job, had nothing. Maybe it's a kind of blessing he passed instantly too - because he had no medical coverage. And if he'd survived, surely he would have had a long hospital stay - or even lifelong care needed. Anyway - by speaking with these 2 people at the home, we were able to kind of get an idea of cost, and maybe what we would want to do. No plans were made. We came back home.

My sister and her older daughter was there, Faith. My mom. I can't remember if anyone else was there. It seemed like our house had a revolving door for a few days, and everything kind of blurs together.

One thing I forgot to mention - we have a lab. Tony brought her home as a stray, starving puppy last year. We were so MAD! We didn't want a lab. We'd just had to rehome one b/c he liked to chase our chickens (and dig holes, and chew up things). We told him this was HIS dog, and we wouldn't take responsibility for her. Well, of course that changed. Eventually he moved out and couldn't take her with him. So she stayed. Finally in January I scheduled her a vet appt to be spayed. Of course by February we realized that was too late. On March 2, she gave birth to 10 puppies. I told Tony he was a grandpa. haha! On March 14, he came over and met his future roommate here - and they picked out a puppy!

Anyway - so we had Lucy (the lab) in the house with 10 puppies. And because so many people were in and out, as well as possibly the negative emotions, she began to get defensive and protective of her puppies. While we were gone - she bit my 18 yo niece and drew blood. I was mortified! But my friend Stacey was still here when it happened and she is a nurse  - and tended to the wound. Faith was ok when we got home. I can't remember if that night or the next day - but moved Lucy and her puppies out to the stables in an enclosed area.

Grace had several friends come over this day as well. And it helped keep her occupied. They made plans for the next time to have a get together at one of the homes and get her out of the house.

Tony had his 2 best friends, Austin and Dylan, come by the house. Dylan was with Tony, in a separate car, when he had the accident. They were actually on their way to Dylan's house when it happened. I don't know if there was a specific reason they wanted to come by. Maybe Dylan felt guilty because he was there? Did they want to say sorry? Were they scared we would be angry? I don't know. I do know that I felt good when they were there. Like a piece of my son was there too. Steve cried. Dylan told us what happened, which we kinda already knew. Austin wasn't there. Austin and Tony were really close. There was a point where we wondered about Austin - like, was he a good influence or not for Tony? Was he just an "Eddie Haskel"? (from the show Leave it to Beaver. Eddie was always polite and nice and charming to the parents but a real hellion when away from the parents). But Tony was fierce about his friendship with him.

We hugged on them, cried. Steve talked to him.

Steve's facebook post March 17 at 4:47pm "2 of Tony's best friends are here at the house. Just hanging out. They came to offer condolences. One of these young men was with my son when he left this world. The other is his closest friend. I cannot feel any anger toward the boys he was with. I feel relieved that they were spared. I held to both these boys, and just cried with them. I asked them to please not let his death be in vain. Please take a lesson. Life is not going to fly by before you can enjoy it all. SLOW DOWN. Not just your speed. Slow down and don't be in such a rush to soak up every experience like it won't be there tomorrow. I want you boys to be old. I don't want your parents to bury you. I want to be a memory and you to be old before you meet this fate. There is so much left to do, but you can't experience it at the pace you are going."

My post at 5:35pm "So grateful for these young men. Especially that they were spared. I told them that they will feel guilt. It's normal. But don't let it consume you. Embrace the good times. Remember the funny moments, happy moments, even the drive-you-up-the-wall moments."

They stayed for maybe 2 hours? I got to spend about an hour on the porch with them just visiting - and talking about some of the fun times. When they left, some of the gloom returned. Like Tony's spirit had left with the boys.

That night, our bishop came by to meet with us. We talked about our funeral plans and began to put ideas on paper. We would completely finalize it the next day, when we went back to the funeral home and cemetery. It was a good meeting with our bishop.

Thursday night I slept again. Maybe just 4 or 5 hours and again, it was dreamless. I woke early and sat on the porch. It was kind of peaceful. I cried some. But it was peaceful also to think about all that was happening.

I found an instagram post. This was on a band nerd page, but one of the leaders/founders of the page was in the same band my son had been - and knew him. (She later told me Tony was her first kiss)

We met with the cemetery at 10 am. That was hard. Where is the perfect space? There were no spaces under trees or in shade. But Tony lived his life wide open - so maybe out in the sun was ok. There were 2 parts of the cemetery - one was more crowded, but cheaper. It was the older section. The newer section was more expensive. But it was likely that in a year or so - we could get spaces next to him, if we decided to do that. There were a couple of young people nearby. And a couple soldiers to look after him. And as we were walking, Steve saw a headstone - it was a dear friend who had passed a few years earlier. He knew it was the right place and I did too.

March 18 11:24 am "Picking your child's final resting place is one of the hardest things to do. And something no parent should have to do this. Yet we have found out many of our friends and family are members of this "grieving parents club". So we know we aren't alone."

We then went to the funeral home. We went with the nicer home - and it was a little pricier but not much. Honestly it didn't matter which one we went with - as far as facilities - because we wouldn't be using them. The nicer one was just closer to us. And once we were done nickle and diming everything - it was essentially the same price. We looked at their coffins. What an awful selection. Not meant for a 20 year old man at all! Baby blue or ruffles or bland. I envisioned a lot of elderly funerals. Not for children, or for young people.

Tony's favorite color was red. So we told the funeral home we would order a coffin online and have it sent there. The funeral home expected Tony's body to be released that afternoon or Saturday. I forgot to mention - that the day it happened, once an hour or so had passed from Steve getting home, he spoke with the medical examiner. Gave some medical history. But also asked about organ donation. (A year and a half previous - Steve's sister lost her 24 year old daughter tragically. Sarah was able to donate her organs. This brought up conversations with our kids. And Tony had agreed to be an organ donor. He was already one on his license - but as a family we had discussed it.) Because he died at the scene of the accident, his organs themselves were not salvageable. And once the tissue donation place called and found out he (and we) had Ehlers Danlos - a connective tissue disorder - he was ruled out there! But the eye donation place said it didn't matter. So maybe he can help someone see. And maybe I can see his eyes again. But even if they don't go to anyone - they will go to science. And he always wanted to help further science.

Anyway - with the donation as well as the autopsy - he should be at the funeral home Saturday perhaps. We also requested from the funeral home - that we could finish dressing him. This would be my last act of service for my boy. I didn't feel right completely dressing him. Mainly because I wasn't sure emotionally I could handle it - but also because he was a young man. In adulthood - in life - he didn't want his mama and daddy to dress him. So we would take the final part only. They said they would call us.

We decided the funeral would be on a Tuesday. It would be a 1 day event - with the viewing and service held in a 2.5 hour time period with the graveside after. This would save us some money but also make it easier on everyone. I've never been a fan of drawing a funeral out - with a viewing one day, a funeral the next and sometimes the graveside on another day. But mainly, sadly, we focused on cost.

We decided to celebrate his life. He was such an interesting and fun loving person, and our family has been filled with laughter and joy. Steve wanted to leave the young people that would attending a sense of peace about it all. They needed to know it was okay to laugh and remember the good times. I feel like funerals can be very depressing. Lots of crying, remember the person but feeling sad because they are gone - and the life that won't get lived. I felt like we would always have sadness or depression because our boy was gone. Maybe not. But it's what I felt at the time. I didn't want to feel depressed and sad on the day we laid him to rest. So we wanted a joyful ceremony. (and Tony was always full of information. He was always learning and doing new things. One of the most common things to come out of his mouth was "Fun fact..." followed by whatever new information he had learned or felt contributed to the conversation.)

My sister had set up a crowdfunding site the night before. She set the goal at 10,000 to hopefully cover the funeral, cemetery, coffin, etc. And with our cost cutting - it would be plenty. In less than 24 hours we had surpassed that goal. She raised the goal to 15,000, simply to give us additional for a headstone, cover any unexpected expenses, time off work, etc. By the time the funeral would roll around, we would reach that goal as well. The day after the funeral, she shut the crowdfund down. We were in awe, though, with that first day of raising funds. Steve has a LOT of friends in the motorcycle community, around the world. And he has a lot of friends in general. Tony had a LOT of friends and coworkers that donated. And me as well. Not to mention strangers. It was touching and humbling. We could bury our boy and not have to worry. And we would find that there were plenty of expenses outside of the funeral! (We would also have friends give us cash, or continue for weeks to receive cards in the mail with cash or checks. One thing I want to say - you could honestly FEEL the paper were desperate themselves to help us somehow. Maybe it was a young person giving just $5 b/c that's all they could spare; or a friend we knew were struggling financially that still gave. It was humbling for sure. I hated being in the position of asking. But this - the money - became one area we didn't have to worry about thanks to people's generosity)

I don't remember how the rest of that day went. People would come by to visit. It was nice to see friends and be comforted. Food would be brought. Jason would be tended. It was a blur.

That night, I do remember, Grace went out with her friends. They played games and had fun and watched movies I think. I know it was good for her to get out of the house - away from the gloomy mood. I was grateful for the good friends she has.

Steve had run an errand - I can't remember what. But he also met with my nephew. Tyler was struggling pretty hard. We wanted to ask Tyler to be a pall bearer but we weren't going to push it - and if he couldn't do it, that was fine. But Steve wanted to meet with him to give him a chance to voice it all. They talked about everything, not just Tony. In the end (maybe that night? Maybe later? I can't remember) Tyler said he would do it; he would be a pall bearer.

While Steve was gone, I was looking for pictures. And I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk - and just started crying. Really hard crying. The gut wrenching cry. The ugly cry. It comes from deep inside and it just pure anguish. I was so devastated that my son, my beautiful, sweet, funny boy was gone. The pain was just awful.

Jason came over and rubbed my shoulder and said "It's okay mommy. I can make it better" (or something like that). I said "I just miss Bubba so much!" (now at this point - we had not formally sat down with Jason and explained death. We didn't know how) Jason said "It's okay Mommy. Bubba is at church with Jesus." I was shocked. Sometimes the veil - the thing that keeps our memory from remembering Heaven, God, Jesus - is so thin in babies. Maybe he understood death in a way that we could not.

Steve came home shortly after and sat on the floor and held me. (One thing we began to notice - my really hard, weak moments, were moments when he was strong. And vice versa) He then suggested we pray. Now, I love my husband and I know he has a belief in God and a faith. But he doesn't show it or say it much. And while he's prayed at home, it's not been (to my memory) something he, himself, iinitiated. He would pray if I asked. Or at meal times. And here he was, leading the family in prayer. And it was such a heartfelt, anguished prayer. Thanking God for things, asking for blessings. And in it - he spoke to Tony. Told him that we loved him, we were proud of him. that we were proud he'd been our son. He said a lot of things that were so touching and personal. It is a moment that sticks with me.

(I remember something else we did that day it happened. Around 1030 that night, I sent Kelly a message. Kelly is Tylie's mom. Tylie is Grace's best friend. Steve spoke with Kelly about the situation. And the reason was this: we knew that once Grace found out, and things calmed down enough for her to go to bed, she would probably send Tylie a message. And we wanted Tylie to be prepared ahead of time. I always wondered if that was the right thing - to tell Grace's best friend before we even told her. But ultimately I did not want her friend to be blown away with the news. I wanted her mom to help her with it - and then maybe she could help Grace. Kelly and Tylie stopped by either Thursday or Friday - I can't remember. I remember Kelly telling me she was in awe that we thought of Tylie at all. But really - that's almost all we did with everyone. It was hard to focus on our own grief - when we were thinking of others. Thinking of Tylie. Thinking of those boys - those friends of Tony's. Thinking of the men that pulled Tony from the car and tried CPR. Thinking of the job the police officers have, especially when they have to notify family of tragedy. And most especially thinking of our living children.)

March 18, 10:18 pm "I was sitting on the floor in front of my desk trying to find a lost cd of pictures. And feeling really down. And then I just lost it. I can't help it. J, in his infinite wisdom and thinner veil than I, says "mommy, it's ok. (He came and rubbed my shoulder) I will make you feel better. It's ok (he hugs me). It's ok. Tears make it better."

I said I missed Bubba (we haven't told J). He says "it's ok (rubbing my shoulder). Bubba is with Jesus. At church."

A red cardinal stopped and rested on the porch railing while we were outside. The birds never come by when we are outside. Tony loved them bc they are red."

Steve went back to Tony's apartment that night to look for specific things. 

March 19 3:41 am - His facebook post "It is 2:45 in the morning. I am just leaving my son's apartment after going to collect some of his clothes and special items for his funeral. Perhaps it was a selfish endeavor to go by myself, but I wanted a moment alone in his presence. I sat in his apartment and spoke to him as if he were there. I collected a few token pieces of who he was to display by his casket. I remembered events in his life that are so precious. I filled a suitcase with these items, along with his acoustic guitar, and I paused for a moment as I locked his door. Almost as if I was expecting him to tell me goodnight.

How do I define the beautiful boy, and the incredible man that my son was, inside the confines of a 2 hour gathering? There is no way."