Dreams

I said previously that I would share about dreams I've had. Unfortunately, that was awhile back - and I have already started to forget the details. I will do my best to remember. The first 3 dreams came back to back.

Dream #1
I was on a social media site, similar in look to instagram. I saw a "selfie" Tony posted of himself, in a bathroom mirror. He wasn't smiling in the selfie. And he had bruises and cuts about his face and head. I remember *feeling* shaken. I searched for him and found him, tho I can't remember where. He was visibly upset and unhappy. Not crying. Not mad. Not upset at me or being found. Just - upset and unhappy. I remember telling him "We buried you!" "I saw you in your casket!"  I woke up shaken to the core. Other than my nightmares I had for weeks after his death (of him being stuck in his casket, buried - and unable to get out), this was the first dream I had of him.

Dream #2
I came in the house and Tony was sitting on the couch with friends. He was younger. Looked like early to mid high school. He was wearing a teal polo. He wasn't happy. I didn't know why. I woke up confused.

Dream #3
I was driving down our driveway, coming home from who knows where? Our driveway is kinda long and curved. I came around the last curve, and saw him, standing by a car. I want to say it was his car but I can't remember that for sure. But it was him. I was so overjoyed! I parked and jumped out and hugged him! He was WHOLE! He looked GOOD! I remember that we talked - but I can't remember about what. I remember thinking "this isn't real". Again - he was unhappy. Not joyous or happy or himself in any way mood wise. I don't know why. But what I distinctly remember - and what I woke up with - I remember the FEELING of hugging him. Like I TOUCHED him. I could FEEL it. This was - by far - the hardest dream. I woke up - and remembered "Oh GOD! My son is DEAD!" To go from a joyous - albeit confusing - dream, to a bitter, horrid reality it just......heart wrenching.

I had begged God; I had begged Tony even; to please, please, God PLEASE, let me see my son in a dream. I NEED to know he is ok. I NEED to know he is happy. I NEED to know he still exists!! (yes my faith has wavered in ways I never imagined - to the point that I even question whether there truly is life after death.) And for months - MONTHS - my prayers went unheeded. And finally, I get these. And I found little to no comfort in them.

Was I dreaming of him because I craved it so badly? Was my sub conscience finally trying to relieve itself of the burden and anxiety? Or was it an answer to a prayer? And if so, why? Why like this? Why was he unhappy - in every dream??

I shared with my mother. She told me that she also felt strongly that he was unhappy. She felt (if I remember correctly) that he was running out of time and that he was unhappy because he was in spirit prison.

(Mormons believe that when we die - we go to a sort of holding area. We will stay there until resurrection and final judgement. This holding area is divided into 2 areas. Paradise - for the faithful and believers; Spirit Prison - for the non-believers. Paradise is a place of rest from our work on earth, as physical beings. But it is also a place where we sit around and play harps and sing songs (Alma 40:12). It is a place of work and growth and development spiritually. We minister and help among those in spirit prison (D&C 138:30). Spirit prison is not a prison in the sense that we understand it here on earth. I have a friend that described it best - as "spirit school'. It is a place for the non-believers to hear the Gospel and learn and grow and DECIDE whether they believe (Alma 40:13-14). Yes, after death, Mormons believe choice still exists (Alma 34:34-35). Which plays into another belief - unrelated to THIS blog post - but I'll share anyway. Mormons believe that every soul needs to have been baptized and to take on Jesus' name. Even those who have passed before; those who may have heard the Gospel and denied it; those who have never been given the chance to hear the Gospel, and anyone else we can imagine. We are so big about family history - for this reason. But - let's say Grandpa didn't believe in the Gospel, and after he dies, his name is taken to the temple and he is baptized by proxy. Does that automatically make Grandpa a Mormon? Or take away his beliefs he always held here on earth? Nope. It gives him the baptism that is needed - SHOULD HE ACCEPT IT. He can still choose to not accept it. Anyway - so that's a big purpose of "spirit school" - and paradise - to teach and to learn - and to accept or not accept.)

Tony believed, for a large part - in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, as Mormons are taught. But some areas he believed differently. He also didn't live his life 100 percent faithful and clean. He had vices and sins (as do we all). So the question - would he automatically go to Paradise? Or would he go to Prison first? We have 4 basic "jobs" here. To have faith. To repent. To get baptized. To receive the Holy Ghost. Would he go to "school" first? To be given a chance to repent of things he hadn't before death? (again Alma 34:35) Or to learn about those things he differed with among the beliefs? I don't know the answer there. But my mom believed he went to spirit prison first. I don't know why she felt he was running out of time.

I do wonder though - was he unhappy? Is he still unhappy?

It is quite frustrating to hear and to read stories of someone being comforted after the death of a loved one. To hear how they had a visit - and found answers and comfort in the state of their loved one. I felt so incredibly alone and abandoned - by God, by Tony - because I didn't receive that. I have since read many other accounts of those with similar experiences - of not getting that comfort or knowledge that their loved one was well and good and happy. So I know I'm not alone. But it has been difficult.

I have often wondered, but only lately, about these dreams in a different sense. Is it possible that the first dream was to prepare me? And to show me Tony as he was when he first entered the spirit world? Or heaven? As a broken person, filled with visible markings and injuries (sins perhaps)? And the 2nd dream was to show me how he would have to go and find that younger version of himself - or rather, the more spiritually minded; the true follower of Christ; not the questioning version he later became? So that he could find the truth? And the finally, the last dream - where he was whole and unmarked - was he finished repented and had found a way to make his spirit whole and clean? Was he "unhappy" because of MY unhappiness? That *I* was not joyful in his return to Heavenly Father? Was he sad because I grieve on a daily basis for what I do not have any longer - despite what he possibly DOES have? Was he sad because I have let my faith waver and be shaken to the core? What the hug - the actual TOUCH and FEEL - a physical sort of of "good-bye"? (for now)

I do not know. I may never know. What I do know - is I HAVE let my faith be shaken. I have become angry and bitter with God. I have even questioned whether He exists at all. I have worn my bitterness and misery like a blanket - wrapping my own self up in the cold roughness of it. Somehow I have to find a way to fold that blanket up and put it away. (shoot, maybe I should throw it on the burn pile) So that I can find the truth again. To find my faith again. And to wrapped in the soft, comforting warmth of His grace.

Grief is ugly and dirty

Grief. What is grief? I dont know the words to explain grief. But I do know how it feels.

It's been almost 8 months since Tony died. Not a day goes by without feeling his absence. Not a minute goes by, it seems. I see him every where. The memories overwhelm me sometimes. A lot of the times.

I feel this awful emptiness; sadness; loneliness. The days seem to get dimmer and dimmer. And no, that's not the time change. I feel I have no faith anymore. I feel like heaven doesn't exist. That when we die, that's it. There's nothing. That this feeling or belief of something coming after is just to bring us comfort. So it's not so hard to deal with - versus knowing that when we die, we cease to exist. I feel like when people have near death experiences, they are their brains reacting to lack of oxygen, and the "dreams" or whatever you want to call it, are reflections of their personal beliefs. That's why "heaven" looks different to different people.

So I don't think I believe Tony is in some wonderful after life. I don't believe he exists at all anymore.

And that's hard to swallow.

No one wants to witness grief. So we hold everyone at arms length, so we don't get dirty. Grief is messy. And anyone who gets close, gets splashed with it. No one likes that. And so people choose to avoid. They use words like "you handle this so well" and "I dint think I could handle this as gracefully as you". That avoids the question of "how are you today? How are you really?" No one asks that. Everyone offers to be there if you need them. But when you do, they are no where to be found. And thus, grief is loneliness.

Everyone grieves differently. I've never been one to hold feelings inside. I did it in high school. My depression was all consuming. I dressed in black. I rarely smiled one year. Or I put on a fake face. I mean, that's what everyone wants to see. I cut myself. The sadness had to get out somehow. Now, I'm faced with holding it in again. No one talks about it. My husband shuts up if I being it up. But if I wait for him, he never brings it up. He just goes about life life he always did. Ignore the bad. Ignore it and it doesn't exist. Tony's death is bad. So just ignore it. I'm the one that decorates his grave site. I'm the one pushing to find a head stone, tho he refuses to even sit and discuss it. I'm the one that wanted the memorial birthday. I'm the one that brought up having a scholarship in his name, and worries if we will find enough $ to fulfill the obligation. Grace also doesn't talk about it. Ignores it. She has said if we stay home on Christmas and do nothing, she will go hang with get friends. She doesn't want to be in a sad house.

So I hold it in. Every once in a while, it gets out. I talk or I cry. But inside, day by day, minute by minute even, I'm withering and shriveling up. I fear it won't be long until there's nothing left to feel inside. But maybe that's better, because feeling this awful consuming grief is overwhelming most of the time.

Jason woke up this morning and said "I'm glad Bubba died". Does he understand what he said? No. Probably not. Heck, we question if he even remembers Tony. I dont think he does. But, regardless if he understood his words or not, it doesn't hurt any less. It thrust a knife deep inside me when I heard the words.

No one understands this pain. Everyone grieves differently but no one - no one - wants to get dirty from it. No one wants to get close enough. 

6 months

Six months since the day you left us.

Six months since I had a hug, touched your scruffy beard, heard you complain about needing a haircut.

Six months of not seeing your man sized hands - and marveling that they were once as small at Jason's are - as small as Jason's used to be even.

Six months since I rejoiced with you over good things in your life.

Six months of not hearing your plans for moving in with Carolyn, or reminding you about looking into colleges.

Six months of not seeing you do vape tricks or hearing about Civil (the store) or the vape tricks team.

Six months of not hearing about your friends, your antics, your plans.

Six months of not hearing fun facts, watching videos of something you found fascinating, or watching some new skill you learned.

Six months of not hearing your voice, your laugh.

Six months of an empty place at family dinners, or family game nights.

Six months of not enjoying a meal prepared by you.

Six months of wanting to do family pictures but feeling sad because you wouldn't be in them.  

Six months of crying every day, feeling like the hole in my heart is getting bigger or more sensitive in some ways, and harder and tougher in other ways.

Six months of not planning birthday or Christmas presents - of knowing that this year, and every one after, your birthday and Christmas will be emptier without you here.

Six months of memories that I never get to have with you.

Six months of questioning my faith - and what I truly believe happens when we die.

Six months of trying to make your things be enough without you. They will never be enough.

Six months of looking at every picture I have of you - and realizing it just isn't enough. It will never be enough.

Six months feels like a lifetime. And it feels like the blink of an eye.
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I posted this on a grief group yesterday:

Today marks 6 months since my 20 yo soon died in a car accident. They say it gets easier, and it some ways it has. I can get chores/work done. I can laugh. I don't have a panic attack every time my daughter or husband drive off. But, in many ways, it is harder. I cry a lot more these days. The depression is real and tangible. I don't feel his presence like so many people speak of with loss of a loved one. I question my faith all the time. I'm told this is normal. I went to a group therapy for 8 weeks (for a program for my 3 yo - the little ones met while the adults met separately ) and it was helpful to know all the feelings I have are shared by others. 

But, if I had one wish - it would be to go back to March 16 - and call him that morning. Even if I was just saying "I love you".

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I posted this graphic on facebook because it describes exactly how I feel

Bo's Place

Bo's Place (www.bosplace.org) is a place for grief therapy. They have many different groups - from pregnancy loss, to adult groups, young adult groups, school based, to preschool groups. Once you complete a group (typically 8 weeks), ages 5 and up can join the ongoing groups at any time. 

We decided that Jason and I would attend the "Little Friends" group - for preschoolers 3-4 years old. It started on a Wednesday. June 29. 1030 in the morning and lasted until noon. The last class was August 17. 

The sessions were all pretty much the same. We met for circle time, in a large room called a tornado room (padded walls - where kids could go normally and let out their aggression and anger). There were pillows on the floor, in a circle. Each pillow had a name tag on a string. We all sat on the pillows (some adults in chairs), and then went in a circle. We introduced ourselves and who in our family died. (Every week except the first, we also talked about our homework) About half of the circle was volunteers - they said their names and what group they would be with. Almost volunteers worked with the kids. After introductions, the director went over the days plans. Then the kids lined up, grabbed an instrument (maracas, tambourines, bells, etc), and then they marched a noisy parade to the group room. They had sharing activities, play time, pretend play, etc. At this time, the adults went to our group room. It was a room with several chairs and couches set up in a circle. We typically had 1 or 2 volunteers with us to facilitate our discussion. 

Our group time consisted of introductions (not in order. That kind of drove me nuts b/c I would have preferred to just get that out of the way. Instead, whoever felt like going, went. And there was a lot of uncomfortable silence while people waited). After introductions, we discussed how our week went, or talked about what the facilitator suggested. It was good I think. Initially we started with 9 kids I think, and 9 adults. I think we ended up with 8 and 8. There was me, and Jason - who lost a son, and a brother. There was a mom and dad and their daughter - who lost an infant and baby sister. There was a man with his grandson - who lost his daughter and the boy's mom. There was a lady with her granddaughter - who lost her daughter, and the girl's mom. (this was the woman I became closest with. Her granddaughter and Jason became fast friends. The lady lost her 23 year old daughter in a car wreck. So I think our grief mirrored each other much more so than others.) Then there were 4 ladies who all lost a spouse and 5 children who lost dads. (one mom had twin boys) One of the moms only came the first week. The kids lost a loved one to SIDS, car accidents, murder, suicide and cancer. 

Once our group times were over, we went back to the tornado room, to circle time again with the kids. This is where we got our homework for the week, counted how many sessions we had left, grabbed hands and did the wave (sort of) for a positive good-bye. Then we left! Normally, Jason and I went outside and he ran around the memory garden with some other kids and then we headed home. 

, 

 This was week 1. Each child got to pick a stuffed dog - a lab (Bo was a boy that the place is in memory of. Bo loved lab dogs). In the beginning circle time, we got to put beads and individualize our name tags. J picked dinosaurs. J picked a brown dog named Chip. They also got to pick a quilt. J picked a pink one because it had purple and blue on it - which are his favorite colors. At home, he curled up with his dog and blanket to watch tv. 

The 2nd week, our homework had been to bring a picture of the loved one to share with the group. Jason picked a picture of Tony and him, where Tony is showing J how to play the guitar. Then he had fun running around the memory garden with the other children.

Week 3, the children learned about living and dead things. We had to bring both something living and something dead to share. We brought some dead pine tree needles; and a spider in a jar. The kids got to plant grass seeds too - to take home and water and watch grow. (which, we tried to keep alive but eventually died)

This week, the kids continued to learn about living and dead things. They received a book called Lifetimes (which I already had bought myself, so I donated one to the town library, since the library didn't have any books to help explain death to children). You can see J with his friend K in the memory garden, and posing with the statues.

There is a week i didn't get pictures and the kids (and adults) painted rocks in memory of our loved ones. And we placed them in the memory garden. The following week however, Jason decided he wanted to keep his memory rock and brought it back home. 

This week the children painted memory boxes to take home, and put
items in that reminded them of their loved ones or that had special
meaning. We were to bring the boxes back the next week
I didn't get pictures the following week again, as the kids brought
back their memory boxes. J had a photo album of all the pictures I could find, since his birth, of him and Tony. He also put a red hot wheels car inside - since red was Tony's favorite color. He placed his memory rock inside. Also a harmonica that Tony had given him.

Here we are at the last week. This week we talked about goodbyes. J and I got there a little early so we got pictures outside first. Which was a good thing, because good-byes are hard. The adults exchanged emails after our group. We got several pictures. The kids made handprint posters for each other - of the kids waving good-bye. We got to keep our name tags. The kids released balloons - which caused J to have a complete meltdown. He didn't want to release his balloon and he felt it was broken at that point. He was crying and upset and wouldn't say good-bye to his friends. And then cried the whole 45 minute drive home because he didn't say good-bye, and because he lost his balloon.









Overall, I felt the group was fantastic. Jason is not old enough to continue on to the ongoing groups. We are debating going through another session of little friends. I miss that weekly group session of talking with others grieving and experiencing a lot of the same or similar emotions. Even though our losses were all different, a lot of the emotions were very similar.

Little friends ended a month ago. J still talks about "sharing time" (his name for it). He even sang/chanted a song they would do at the beginning of their group. I'd never heard it before a week ago. "Hey, Hey! What do you say? We are here to start our group today. We come to talk, we come to share, we come to show how much we care! Hey hey!"

I am considering taking Grace to the teen group, once marching band is over. She has made several comments in the last few weeks, which lead me to believe that she could benefit from it. She, of course, will say no, she doesn't need it. But I think, meeting with other teens, who have experienced traumatic/sudden loss (her teen group would be divided into traumatic/sudden loss - versus the chronic illness or something. I can't remember the name of the other group). Even if it's just relating to parents grieving and trying to find her place.

Check in

It's been awhile since I posted last. We have passed the 4 and 5 month marks - and I'm learning if I stay busy on those days, I don't focus on it as much. Thus, it's a little easier to get thru the day.

Jason and I went to a Grief Therapy program in Houston - a facility called Bo's Place. They have lots of therapy options but we attended an 8 week class called Little Friends (for ages 3-5). I'll make a separate post about that.

We had a family activity the other night - painting rocks (a local facebook group started this fun thing - where you paint rocks and leave them around town and people find them and keep or rehide them. Kinda like geocaching or pokemon go). So we all painted rocks (and found out Grace is PHENOMINAL at her art). We enjoyed our time doing it - and for the first time, I didn't feel extra sad that we were doing something Tony couldn't do with it. Maybe it was because it was an activity we had never done before with him. I'm not sure. But I went to bed that night almost feeling a little guilty - that I didn't feel sad. I had to recognize that this was a good thing. I still need to make memories with my kids and they don't need to always be overshadowed by sadness.

A couple months ago - I had a few dreams about Tony. I had begged and pleaded with God to let me dream of my son, to give me some message he was ok. I always read about people getting all these signs that Their loved one is ok. I haven't really gotten that. So I finally dreamed about him - and it wasn't reassuring. I may make a post about those dreams too.

I did end up having a day where 3 things happened that made me FINALLY feel he was telling me he is ok.

We are trying to plan a 21st birthday bash - a memorial birthday party. I need to get on the ball with that. We are also trying to organize his scholarship fund. (and everyone else is having birthdays too coming up - mine is next week, followed by Jason's 4th at the end of the month. Then in November is Grace and Steve's)

Grace wants to invite a friend over for Thanksgiving because she spent it alone last year and it looks like she will again this year. I told her it was fine - but to realize it may also be a hard day for us. I'm hopeful that having a friend over, and possibly going to my sister's, will keep us distracted enough to not focus on the empty seat.

In some ways, I feel the grief has gotten worse. But in therapy, I realized that it is possible I have moved from beyond that "shock" (where we still felt this was a joke, or that he would still walk thru the door) - to "acceptance". That's a hard stage. Accepting that my beautiful boy - this handsome young man so full of life - is now gone. It's very hard to look at pictures and not feel that grief. The pictures, for me, just show how much life he had.

But in some ways I think things are getting easier. Or rather, I've gotten stronger. I don't panic every time Grace leaves the house to drive somewhere. I don't panic every time she forgets to text me that she arrived ok. I can talk about Tony a little more often, without tears.

We are approaching the 6th month mark. Steve will be out of town at that time, and I'm not sure how to keep myself occupied. I dread this anniversary. To know half a year has passed - in a freaking blink of an eye - without hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hug, witnessing his vibrance. It's very difficult.

We are also experiencing facing death in a new way. Steve's mom had another heart attack and was hospitalized in July. This time there was enough damage that she has been placed on hospice. She is currently in a nursing home not far from here and Steve can visit every day. Jason and I go up about 3 or so times a week. But, for me at least, it brings up a lot of emotions about Tony and his death.

I had a neat message from a friend of Tony's. Her grandfather had passed away - and she wanted to know if I could help plan the funeral. She said funerals have always been sad, but Tony's wasn't. At first I was taken aback. But it was also a compliment. Because we really wanted that - for his friends to not have such a sad memory. I didn't help her plan it - but I did tell her the starting point we had for Tony. Who was he? What did he love? What kind of person was he? And how do we honor those memories? How do show others the beautiful person - without making it about our loss and grief?

Jason doesn't talk about Tony as often. He still includes him in the family (when he names people or draws pictures). I do wonder if almost 6 months is taking its toll on his memory. It makes me so so so sad to think about Jason not growing up with his fantastic older brother. I hope we can do a good job of keeping his memory alive.

I think Grace is struggling. And I think this is what we sort of expected. Marching Band is in full swing. Grace is a drum line leader. She's playing snare again this year. However, the percussion director has left and a new director came in, but he doesn't know percussion. So there is a lot of stress on her - both as a leader this year - and as a possible teacher since they don't have that. She had a breakdown the other night - crying and letting out all the stress and frustration with band and school. She doesn't talk about Tony much. Occasionally mentioning a memory but she never talks about his death. I am considering taking her to Bo's place after marching season - even if she doesn't want me to. Just to see if it helps her. I feel she needs to connect with other people, her age, that lost someone. But also - that are dealing with parents that are grieving. I think that might be the hardest for her - maybe she doesn't feel she can talk about it. Or maybe she feels like she isn't grieving correctly. I'm SO open with my grief, and Steve is stoic and rarely talks too. I worry a lot about her.

My faith is practically non-existant these days. I've lost faith mostly in the people in my ward as a source of strength. I need to put that aside and go to church for me. But my ward is a difficult one. Many people have left over the years and talked about how different it is elsewhere. I attend very occasionally with my mom at her ward. There's such a difference there for me. I feel, in a way, several of those members care more about me and my family and our grief - than my own ward. But I'm currently bitter and not really wanting to let go of that either. I need to find a place where I'm comfortable letting go of that grief. Mom is praying for me.

I guess that's pretty much what's happened since my last post.

3 Month Heavenly Birthday

To you,  my son, 

Yesterday was 3 months to the day you passed from this life, to the next. I wonder what you are doing in heaven and I wonder if you miss us, or miss this life. There's so much we miss about you, but I wonder if it matters because you have moved to the next stage. So is it selfish to wish you were still here to show us a magic trick, bake a cake, fix my computer, tell us some new fun fact, show us math tricks, play with your brother or razz your sister?

Yesterday Jason and I bought some balloons and stopped by your grave.  I cry every time I'm there. I don't feel you when I'm there and it's just sad. Jason initially picked out a cars happy birthday balloon. It's kind of a birthday tho. Your 3 month heavenly birthday. He picked out a spiderman small balloon on a stick for him. But he decided on the way to the cemetery that he wanted the cars balloon. So we stuck the spiderman balloon stick in the ground. Jason and I talked about you and what we remember about you, and what we miss.

Jason says he's Bubba now. He says this often. Or he says he's a Bubba too. Sometimes it makes my heart hurt but it also makes me happy because he had a great example of a Bubba.

J was telling me not to cry, and I said "it's so hard because I miss Bubba so much". He said "it's so hard for me too". He asks so many questions. He said the white ford that is still sitting out here - "Bubba can drive the white car when he's not dead anymore".

 

We need to get a headstone one day for you (we have to wait 6 to 9 months for the dirt to settle). I don't know what to put on it. I wish I had something that just was so you - but you were so many things! A clue of what you'd like would be nice! ;-)

I bought Jason a bunch of new games to play at home. We used to love to play games as a family and it's hard now with just Grace, me and Dad. All our games are beyond Jason's level. And Candyland and Chutes & Ladders is frustrating to play. I think you'd like the games we bought him. I remember us having so I much fun playing games with you, so I want Jason to have fun family memories too. Grace even thought they were fun. Haha!

Jason is such a smart boy. He's always learning something new. In some ways he reminds me of Ashley. But in others, you. He's using a lot of math, but doesn't realize it. He makes shapes out of his cars. He knows what rhombus and trapezoid shapes are. I think you'd be really happy with that! Maybe he will be a math nut like you!

(J building a trapezoid with his cars)

He also has taken to playing "chef" and "restaurant". He likes to have customers tell him what they want to eat and then he makes is. It's really cute. I think I might give him one of your old chef coats.

Grace showed me a video the other day. She is getting very very talented with makeup and hair. She spends a lot of time watching makeup videos. Do you remember the movie Now You See Me? Well the 2nd one came out. So this video was a makeup artist, for the movie I think? Or promoting it. Not sure. Anyway, she was doing magic tricks w the makeup and her face (being made up). It sort of combined you and Grace! I thought you would really like it, even tho Dad says the magic tricks weren't great. Haha!

Finding Dory is out now. I can't remember if you wanted to see that. Jason is excited about it.

I worry about Grace. Her anaphylaxis is becoming more frequent and I wonder if it's stress induced. But we are having to increase and add medications. I fear often that we will lose her to this and I can't bear that.

Ashley has pushed me away again. It was expected, tho there wasn't a blowout this time. I really feel like even tho I birthed 4 children, I only have 2 left. It's hard on this mama's heart. I hope one day that Ashley can accept us, despite our political or religious or social differences. I hope we can one day put all the negative past behind us. Maybe you can help influence her? Or help me to find a better perspective, since you have a better eternal view than me now?

I think your friends are doing ok. They all got tattoos in your memory. Dad did too. I want one, even tho I know it's against the Gospel. But I don't know what I want, that would represent you or you and me. Any ideas? ;-) I don't hear from many friends but I follow them on social media. Jana got married. I know that you wanted to be there. Carolyn got engaged!! Imagine if you were here and rooming with carolyn! I'm excited for her, even tho I only met her once. Tristan and Ammie got married in the temple. Maybe you got to see that? I don't know. Austin took your puppy and named him Bubba I think. He shares pictures sometimes. Seems to be doing good.

Your cousin, Faith, graduated. She got accepted to Sam Houston State I think. Someplace in Huntsville anyway. Haha! I'm so excited for her! Grace finished 10th grade and also made drum line captain.

(Alex, Faith and Grace at Faith's graduation party)

We set up a scholarship in band in your name and Bowen made a spirit award too. So at the banquet, Ari Mancha got that. I guess yall knew each other?

Angie isn't doing so good. She seems to have left the church and moved in with a boyfriend. I wish you could somehow influence her. She was planning a mission. I don't know what happened.

It seems a lot has happened in 3 months, but also not a lot. I wonder what the 3 months feels like where you are. How does time pass there and what measurements are used? Who are you talking with and helping. You were always a helper so I know you are helping there too. I wonder if you miss us. Because you understand things differently now, I wonder if that's just a mortal, earthly emotion. Do you have regrets? Do you visit us? Or watch over us? I wonder about you all the time. I love you so much. I hope you still feel that.

Happy 3 month heavenly birthday Son.

Love, Mom

Unrealistic dream

I had another dream the other day about Tony.

I ran across a photo of him on instagram. He had updated it with a selfie showing a new gun he had bought. (When he turned 21 later this year, he was going to get his license to carry and a gun to carry) I saw it and thought it was a really neat thing for him!

But then I remembered - he's dead. We buried him! I texted him to call us right away! My feeling was panic and excitement - he wasn't dead!! He wasn't dead!! 

I mean, what happened? We buried him but it wasn't his body then! Right? 

I remember later in the dream showing Steve and we saw injuries on his mouth and head that looked like they were healing. I felt upset that he hadn't texted me back and I couldn't get a hold of him!! But he had to he alive - and ok!! Why hadn't he reached out to us in these past weeks and months? Why hadn't his friends told us? I was so excited that he was alive and that I would he able to hug him again!

And then... I woke up.

And then... had to face That he was still gone. 

That it was just a dream.